Well last time I put up some jokes I got in trouble for being a little too risqué, hopefully this is a little more appropriate and everyone can take it as a joke. I hope everyone has a great day.



ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

my ex would buy a battleship lying in the middle of the desert if it were on sale!

 

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of Budweiser. The passenger, Bubba, said,
"Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!!



We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin'these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads
then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"Howdy boys ya'll been drinkin'?"

"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels...

Me and Bubba's on the Patch."

 

a blonde girls house catches fire so she runs next door and calls 911. here's the conversation

911 operator: hello, 911 do you have an emergency?

girl: yes! hurry my house is on fire!

911 operator: ok, ma'am, how do we get to your house?

girl: duh!! big red firetruck!

 

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS
NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.
THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT
WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD." WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE
AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

DEAR DAD:
IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE
WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.
I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL
HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY
THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY
TOGETHER

EVEN THOUGH YOU WON'T CARE FOR HER, AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE ALREADY
OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE
WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF
MY DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE
GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE
AND ECSTASY WE WANT. IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A
CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!

DON'T WORRY DAD; I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR
GRANDCHILDREN .

YOUR SON,

Bill

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. I JUST
WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD
THAT'S IN MY DESK, CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU!

CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.

 

The high school coaches in Boise, Idaho went to a
coaches' retreat. To save money they had to room together.

No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he
snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one
of them stay with him the whole time,so they vote to
take turns.

The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes to
breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, eyes all
bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched
him all night."

The next night it was a different coach's turn. In
the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes
all bloodshot.

They say, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched
him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big
burly ex-football player-looking type of man's man.

Next morning , he comes to breakfast bright eyed and
bushy tailed. "Good morning."

They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what
happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He
watched me all night."

 

i did the exact same thing once. i got bad grades once my senior year and had a friend drop me off at home and i told my dad i wrecked my truck. i got into even worse trouble for lying!!!

 

Another one for my collection!

 

As seen in a dog's diary:
7am -Oh Boy! A Walk! My favorite!

8am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My favorite!

9am - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

2pm - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

4pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!

7pm - Oh Boy! Dad! My favorite!

8pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

11pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in a people bed! My favorite!



As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity...My captors continue to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while
I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another house plant. Today, my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded - must try
this at the topof the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on
their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was. Hmmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed
in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and
smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due
to my powers of inducing "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies
and maybe snitches.

The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be
an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety
is assured. But, I can wait, it is only a matter of time......

 

a jew, a muslim, and a televangelist are all traveling together. late one night when they finally decide to stop for the night, the only building around is an old farm house. the three knock on the door and the farmer comes to the door. they tell him they need a place to stay for the night. he agrees to let them stay but one of the has to sleep in the barn. well the jew steps up and says he'll sleep out side. they all go to bed and 10 minutes later the jew comes back "i cant sleep out there w/ the pigs. it wouldn't be kosher" so then the muslim agrees to sleep outside. once again they all go to bed and 10 minutes later the muslim comes back. "i can not sleep out there! the cow is sacred in my religion, i am not worthy" the televangelist finally agrees to sleep in the barn. they all go to bed, once again. ten minutes later the farmer hears another knock on the door. when he opens it, there standing are the cow and pig.

 

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well it was like this", said the man." I was having a quiet round

of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our *****

into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting

around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a

golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle

of the cows butt.

" That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cows tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this

looks like yours!'

I don't remember much after that."

 

i hate cats

 

whats the difference in lettuce and boogers?




















kids wont eat lettuce

 

from the Family Guy
peter, while doing a planet of the ape spoof: "how many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3, 1 to screw the light bulb in and 2 to fling poo at each other

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later,
Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky,....what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three
in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful
and we are but small and insignificant creatures. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than
buffalo. Someone has stolen tent!"