The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.


"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.


"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.


"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.


"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"







The third piggy says -










"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

 

> Two Cowboys, Steve and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking
> beer.
>
> Steve turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
> without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College
> and
> sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
>
> The next day, Steve goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions
> who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and
> Logic.
>
> "Logic?" Steve says. "What's that?"
>
> The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
>
> "Yeah."
>
> "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
> would have a yard."
>
> "That's true, I do have a yard."
>
> "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
> that you would have a house."
>
> "Yes, I do have a house."
>
> "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
> family."
>
> "Yes, I have a family."
>
> "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have
> a
> wife.
>
> And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
> heterosexual."
>
> "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of
> that
> because I have a weed eater."
>
> Excited to take the class now, Steve shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to
> go
> meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up
> for
> Math, English, History, and Logic.
>
> "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
>
> Steve says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
>
> "No."
>
> "Then you're a queer"
>

 

 

I've seen that one several times and every time I laugh because I know it's most definately true.

 

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the
> service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how
> consultants can make a difference to an organization.
>
> Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that
> the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
> seemed a little strange, but when another waiter brought our water and
> utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I
> looked
> around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
>
> When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
>
> "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
> Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of
> analysis,
> they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
> It
> represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
> hour.
> If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips
> back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
>
> As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
> with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen,
> instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
>
> I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
> the
> waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the
> same
> string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
> waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
> there?"
>
> "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
> observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can
> save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know
> what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to
> wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
> percent.
>
> I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
>
> "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
> spoon."

 

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop. "Oh no!" cried the brunette. "Is he following me?" "Yep," replied the blonde.

"I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the brunette. "Yep," replied the blonde.

"Is the cop still following me?" "Yep."

"Are his lights on?" "Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."

 

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."

 

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one
of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over
toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned
around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he
said, "Small world!"

 

Hi there!

Just a note to tell you that my mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not; to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.

Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me. My response solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems... I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in Pesos so they have to go home to spend it.

Don't you love it when a plan comes together?

 

Ban DHMO: Dihydrogen Monoxide!

The Invisible Killer
Dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:
is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal.The impact on wildlife is extreme,and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The Horror Must Be Stopped!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billiondollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

It's Not Too Late!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination .Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout the world.Send email to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE to:
Coalition to Ban DHMO211 Pearl
St.Santa Cruz CA, 95060

 

I had my drinking mug tested and it has major Dihydrogen Monoxide contamination.
Washed it and the contamination level didn't change.
Let it soak in a sink of water overnight and the level actually increased!


phox

 

1. John McLain
This name was the answer given when Osama Bin Laden was asked what his worst fear was. Before we had homeland security, we had John McLain. He single-handedly thwarted every terrorist attempt on US soil from the late eighties to the early nineties, half the time without even having proper footwear.

2. Mad Max
drove a Ford falcon with a roots blower through the hood, had a dingo and chained a man to a car and told him to cut his leg off or die.

3. Punisher
You killed his family, so he MADE you kill your wife, best friend, killed your sons, then he blew up your car lot in the shape of a skull with you in the middle of it.

4. Gladiator
My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. Then proceeded to kill pretty much everyone. Need we say more?

5. "Dirty" Harry Callahan
Two lines that will live in infamy. "i just dont think we can let you leave here", "what you mean we honky?", "me, mr. smith, and mr. wesson" AND "this is a 44 magnum automag, when properly used, it can remove the fingerprints".

6. Conan the Barbarian
Pushed a giant water pump for 20 years and could swing a 25 pound sword with 1 hand and slayed all the demons of the ancient world.

7. James Bond
There is only one Bond and his name is Connery. This guy could show up in your country, sleep with all your women, kill them along with all your henchmen, destroy your plans to dominate the world, blow up your hideout, and drink all your martinis before you could utter the phrase “Shaken, not stirred.”

8. Obi Wan Kenobi
He may not be the most powerful Jedi, but on any given day he can triumph in a battle. He is like the wildcard. Whether his opponent is Darth Maul, Darth Vader, or just a super crazy Jedi-killing machine, he can pull out the win. Obi is the underdog that too many villains have taken lightly and ended up either cut in half or burned beyond recognition.

9.Jules Winnfield
Samuel L. Jackson's character from pulp fiction. Not only is he a cold blooded killer, but he recites a bible verse to you before he does the deed. Bonus points awarded because his wallet has "*** ************" embroidered on it.

10. Batman
You can not defeat the bat. Not even if you have super powers and he does not. One might argue that he is nothing without his toys, but don’t let him hear you say that. He might just drop his utility belt and punch you in the face so hard your future kids will be born knocked the {expletive} out.

11. Red Foreman
“I may be the only man in this room who has actually killed a guy.” The thing about Red was that he never had to kick anyone’s ___. A look was enough to shiver the timbers of the even most seasoned pirate. A police officer ONCE pulled Red over. Red let him off with a warning.

12 .J.J. McQuade
From Lone Wolf McQuade. He had a supercharged Ramcharger that could drive itself out of a 8' deep hole while covered in dirt after he was beat half to death and still whip the crap outta David Carradine

 

I'm going to close this one down because it's getting huge, but please feel free to start a new one if you'd like.