More Humor
Registered User
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 267
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From: Native Texan now traveling the Beautiful USA
Originally Posted by crobtex
Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had been giving
their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and
house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a
couple of days for her to do it, but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had
Given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day
it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done
and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a TEXAS girl. He said that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything, but
by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load
the dishwasher and telephone the landscaper.
their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and
house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a
couple of days for her to do it, but on the third day he came home to a
clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had
Given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day
it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done
and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a TEXAS girl. He said that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything, but
by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load
the dishwasher and telephone the landscaper.
Thread Starter
Chapter President
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 4,983
Likes: 1
From: Sedalia, Texas
Originally Posted by PistolWhipt
Subject: Sensitivity ... love this guy!
Classic Statement!
December 9, 2005 (CNN)
While interviewing an anonymous US Special Forces soldier on his
sniper skills, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when
shooting members of al Qaeda in Afghanistan.
The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
PISTOL
Classic Statement!
December 9, 2005 (CNN)
While interviewing an anonymous US Special Forces soldier on his
sniper skills, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when
shooting members of al Qaeda in Afghanistan.
The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
PISTOL
It's my pot and I'll stir it if I want to. If you're not careful, I'll stir your's as well!
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 3,264
Likes: 209
From: Central Mexico.
Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Mundo, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?"
I don't know," Mundo replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."
"Are you sure?" Mundo asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Mundo asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"
I don't know," Mundo replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."
"Are you sure?" Mundo asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Mundo asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,686
Likes: 0
From: Battle Creek Michigan
When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work
and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,
attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult
kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school
as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What is a retirees definition of "Getting Lucky"?
Answer: Means they found their car in Walmart parking lot!
Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them!
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work
and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,
attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult
kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school
as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What is a retirees definition of "Getting Lucky"?
Answer: Means they found their car in Walmart parking lot!
Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them!
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 476
Likes: 33
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box.
He turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed,
.....
.....
.....
.... "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box.
He turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed,
.....
.....
.....
.... "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
DTR's Night Watchman & Poet Laureate
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,156
Likes: 1
From: Lyndon KS
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait until you see the last one)
DORMITORY
When you rearran ge the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION
Whe n you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!
DORMITORY
When you rearran ge the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION
Whe n you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 504
Likes: 0
From: near Magnolia, Tx.
These fellas are hilarious. Proof that you don't have to open your mouth to be funny !!
http://www.koreus.com/media/men-in-coats.html
If you can't make the link work (foreign wesbsite).... do a search for "Men In Coats" or go to Putfile.com ... they are on there as well.
PISTOL
http://www.koreus.com/media/men-in-coats.html
If you can't make the link work (foreign wesbsite).... do a search for "Men In Coats" or go to Putfile.com ... they are on there as well.
PISTOL
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 207
Likes: 0
From: Ingleside, Tx.
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.
Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.
Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include pounding headache, resistance to loud noises, dizziness, nausea, dehydration, dry mouth, vomiting, dry heaves, diarrhea, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, loss of spouse, loss of job, loss of life, delusions of grandeur, fighting, table dancing, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind.
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.
Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.
Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include pounding headache, resistance to loud noises, dizziness, nausea, dehydration, dry mouth, vomiting, dry heaves, diarrhea, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, loss of spouse, loss of job, loss of life, delusions of grandeur, fighting, table dancing, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind.
Thread Starter
Chapter President
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 4,983
Likes: 1
From: Sedalia, Texas
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American
engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern
and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is
three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my
son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
Pooooof!
With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can
come into our precious state."
Pooooof!
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet
high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can
get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."
engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern
and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is
three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my
son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
Pooooof!
With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can
come into our precious state."
Pooooof!
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet
high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can
get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."
Registered User
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 76
Likes: 1
From: Midwest - St Louis, MO
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through immigration.
The INS Officer said, "Mujibar, congratulations, you
have passed all the tests so far, except there is one more test to take.
Unless you pass this one you cannot enter the United States Of America."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The Officer said, "Make a sentence using the words,
Yellow, Pink and Green."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes Green, Green, Green
and I Pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar."
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works
at Cingular's help desk. I just talked to him yesterday.
The INS Officer said, "Mujibar, congratulations, you
have passed all the tests so far, except there is one more test to take.
Unless you pass this one you cannot enter the United States Of America."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The Officer said, "Make a sentence using the words,
Yellow, Pink and Green."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes Green, Green, Green
and I Pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar."
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works
at Cingular's help desk. I just talked to him yesterday.
Banned
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 1,278
Likes: 2
From: Christiana,Pa
FILL It with water...True american sprit, Btw the sniper story was proven false by Snopes.com
http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/recoil.asp
http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/recoil.asp
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 504
Likes: 0
From: near Magnolia, Tx.
Has anyone ever done a SNOPES on SNOPES ??? I think it is just some Nay-sayer out in the backwoods of Montana somewhere. 
Whoever this SNOPES guy is ... he's worse than my father-in-law .... who really does think he knows it all
.
PISTOL
Whoever this SNOPES guy is ... he's worse than my father-in-law .... who really does think he knows it all
.PISTOL
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 0
Likes: 0
correction
Mujibar does not work for cingular, him and several of his kinfolk work for hewlet-packard and I just spoke with them.It was a free call and worth exactly that much. He speaka engalais but not my variety of englais.Twentyfive digit number/letter seqences, what a hoot. It just amazes me what we will tolerate.