More Humor
Thread Starter
Chapter President
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 4,983
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From: Sedalia, Texas
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy Bob. So they loaded up jack's mini-van and headed north.After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 3,733
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From: Austria Europe
A doctor talks to a patient in the hospital:
I'm afraid I must tell you that you've got a terminal disease...
P: (shocked) Ohh ***** , but I'd like to get a second opinion.
Dr.: You're ugly too.
I'm afraid I must tell you that you've got a terminal disease...
P: (shocked) Ohh ***** , but I'd like to get a second opinion.
Dr.: You're ugly too.
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Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 139
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From: Interior BC
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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Joined: Apr 2003
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From: Orlando, Fl.
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud."White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?""$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies."That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?" "Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll." The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne." "Why?" asks the confused clerk. "Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."
Banned
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From: Cedar Grove, New Jersey
Bear and a rabbit were in the woods, they both decided it was time to take a dump, Bear leans over and asks the rabbit if he had any trouble while taking a dump with Edit sticking to his fur. The rabbit says no, no problems ever..... why do you ask? Bear says " good, then you won't mind this" reaches over picks up rabbit and wipes his Edit 
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 1,234
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From: outside of Duluth MN
Is this a better way to copy a word document??? Or is it the 'blonde' way???
http://www.big-boys.com/pictures/picture0598.html
http://www.big-boys.com/pictures/picture0598.html
Registered User
Joined: Jan 2005
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From: Camden, Ar.
Originally posted by doodah
well, ya know the "TOOTH BRUSH" was invented in Arkansas, cause If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a "TEETH BRUSH"!!!!!
well, ya know the "TOOTH BRUSH" was invented in Arkansas, cause If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a "TEETH BRUSH"!!!!!
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Joined: Jan 2005
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From: Camden, Ar.
Subject: Kentucky Firewood
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?" "Yes." "I'm calling to report about my neighbor
Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come today?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
Who says rednecks aren't real bright!
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?" "Yes." "I'm calling to report about my neighbor
Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come today?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
Who says rednecks aren't real bright!
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 256
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From: Fort Worth Texas
A woman goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish Sausage.
The clerk looks at her and says, "Are you Polish?"
The woman, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the woman says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
John (DH)
The clerk looks at her and says, "Are you Polish?"
The woman, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the woman says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
John (DH)
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 256
Likes: 1
From: Fort Worth Texas
UGLY PEOPLE
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms do! wn and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
SO........ THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'........BE HAPPY
Everything happens for a reason!
John (DH)
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms do! wn and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
SO........ THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'........BE HAPPY
Everything happens for a reason!
John (DH)
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 267
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From: Native Texan now traveling the Beautiful USA
Human Resource Complaint
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to
her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her
hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her
complaint to a supervisor in Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she
explains what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this request and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to
her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her
hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her
complaint to a supervisor in Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she
explains what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this request and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."
Thread Starter
Chapter President
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 4,983
Likes: 1
From: Sedalia, Texas
WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER!
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is
just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You
can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never
have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them. Her wedding dress costs $5000; your tux rental, $100. The
occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Same mood all the time, never accused of
"PMS." Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff
about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If
someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to
see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have
to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes
one color for all seasons. Your wardrobe is complete with 2 items, shirts
and pants. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You're not
criticized for overweight or baldness. You can "do" your nails with a
pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can
do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is
just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You
can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never
have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them. Her wedding dress costs $5000; your tux rental, $100. The
occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't
cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Same mood all the time, never accused of
"PMS." Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff
about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If
someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to
see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have
to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes
one color for all seasons. Your wardrobe is complete with 2 items, shirts
and pants. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You're not
criticized for overweight or baldness. You can "do" your nails with a
pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can
do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
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From: Gardendale Al
This may be the same bird from Gunracers post..
A fellow and his old lady walk into a pet store one day, the woman walks all around the store until she comes to a parrot on a stand way in the back, she looks at the parrot and says “hey bird how are you”. The bird takes one look at her and squawks back “Lady your are UGLY, I’ve never had someone so UGLY talk to me before! GET AWAY!!!”.. The lady is appalled and tells her mate what has happened the fellow gets the manager of the shop and tells him, he jumps into action and grabs up the parrot runs to the back of the store and throws him into the office. After giving the couple a generous discount on their purchase he goes to the office and tells the bird that if he EVER makes a rude comment to a customer again he will be cooked and eaten as lunch for the employees! The bird agrees and everything goes great for a couple of weeks. Then the SAME couple come in, the woman walks about the store and the parrot just follows her and looks at her the whole time, the man can take no more, he looks at the parrot and asks “What the heck are you looking at?”.. The parrot looks back at him and calmly squawks “You KNOW”…
Disclaimer “This story is told best in person after a couple of beers.”
A fellow and his old lady walk into a pet store one day, the woman walks all around the store until she comes to a parrot on a stand way in the back, she looks at the parrot and says “hey bird how are you”. The bird takes one look at her and squawks back “Lady your are UGLY, I’ve never had someone so UGLY talk to me before! GET AWAY!!!”.. The lady is appalled and tells her mate what has happened the fellow gets the manager of the shop and tells him, he jumps into action and grabs up the parrot runs to the back of the store and throws him into the office. After giving the couple a generous discount on their purchase he goes to the office and tells the bird that if he EVER makes a rude comment to a customer again he will be cooked and eaten as lunch for the employees! The bird agrees and everything goes great for a couple of weeks. Then the SAME couple come in, the woman walks about the store and the parrot just follows her and looks at her the whole time, the man can take no more, he looks at the parrot and asks “What the heck are you looking at?”.. The parrot looks back at him and calmly squawks “You KNOW”…
Disclaimer “This story is told best in person after a couple of beers.”