And you thought we didn’t know.

Man Dictionary

I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."


Love this thread especially the blonde jokes.

 

i dont remember where i got this but it a good one!

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you
make today?" The Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64."
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new 'fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine
Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

 

Local News




Cops wonder, will it be a boy or girl

By Vicki Graves
Herald Democrat

BONHAM - A woman who, apparently, really needed to know, was arrested after using a $4 pregnancy test in the bathroom of a discount store in the 2100 block of State Highway 121 and leaving the store without paying for it, reports state.



I don't even want to know the details!

 

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while awaiting their respective flight.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show
and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl. "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

 

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation
in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,
and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses
who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy
with their cells or pagers.

14. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

15. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

16. The Terminator is your governor.

17. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here
illegally, they want to give you one.

 

Hehehe...
I live a few miles from Kevin Costner and I can jump the fence to be in Patrick Swazey's back yard...

 

Anywhere close to Malibu?

 

Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Oklahoma? Anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

 

Nope. Inland Empire- The sky's constantly grey, we have known cancer causing pollutants in the tap water, you can't see through the tap water, our river has no water in it and catches fire every few months, we are legally the "official fly capital of the world", it rains about three inches a year, temperature peaks above 110 degrees, and a run-down 1400 square foot house on a half acre costs well over half a million dollars. There's also a large prison in town and a rocket-engine laboratory.

Wait a second, I just read that we are broadcasted t have 65 MPH winds this evening, meteor showers and probably an earthquake.

 

Santa's Bad Day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy
bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
Shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had
hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke
into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to
get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree......................

 

That's the way it was when I lived in East LA back in the early '60's. I guess some things never change.

My daughter was raised in Sant Monica and now lives in Malibu. She's ultra liberal and I'm ultra conservative......needless to say, we seldom talk.

 

You know you're living in 2004 when...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself

 

Hey, that's not funny

That's just true

 

You know you're living in 2004 when...

Good one crobtex!

 

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's >>>
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark
shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on
the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 >
>reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on
sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell
all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As
she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds
like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally
breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is
no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the
sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "The woman is totally confused by
this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you
get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the
Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."