A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...

Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.

The student replies, "Ghost?!?"

"Dang it, I thought you said goats.'"

 

 

Hoss, that one got a belly laugh out of me.

 

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

 

 

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why We chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile!

 

Thanksgiving humor


::Purchasing A Turkey

-- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



::Stuffed Turkey

-- Baby Bruno was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal. "What are you doing?" Bruno asked. "Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied. "That's cool!" Bruno said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"



::Things for Which to be Thankful
--The mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by family and friends; The taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed; The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat; All the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech; and The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive.



::How to Cook a Turkey by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class:
Russell - You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.

Meghan H. - You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. You let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.

Danny - You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.

Irene - Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for 1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked.

Moriah - First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.

Vincent - You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19 degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.

Alan - First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then you eat it.



...and for dessert:

Christopher - Pumpkin Pie: First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.



Disclaimer: Mrs. Geraghty is not responsible for any medical bills resulting from these "recipes"!

 

DIARY

of a

SNOW SHOVELER



DECEMBER 6: 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love the snow.


DECEMBER 7:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight ! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World ? Moving here was the best idea I ever had.

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a young boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life !


DECEMBER 12:

The sun has melted all of our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a White Christmas.

No snow on Christmas would be awful ! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.


DECEMBER 14:

Snow lovely snow ! 8” last night. The temperature dropped to – 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and the sidewalks.

This is the life ! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize that I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.


DECEMBER 15:

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra snow shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t living in Alaska, after all.


DECEMBER 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a$$ on the ice in the driveway, putting down salt. Hurts like the dickens. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.







DECEMBER 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but I won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.


DECEMBER 20:

Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the darn stuff last night.

More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel for me, but they all said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re all sold out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.


DECEMBER 22:

Bob was right about a White Christmas because 23 more inches of the darn white stuff fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out and shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, pee’d and got dressed again, I was to tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the a$$hole is lying.


DECEMBER 23:

Only 2 inches of snow today, and it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts ! ! ! ! ! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago ? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.


DECEMBER 24:

Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his ears. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes roaring down the street at 100 mile an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just shoveled !

This evening the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for that darn snowplow.


DECEMBER 25:

Merry Christmas.

20 more inches of the white stuff last night. Snowed in.

The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow ! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation for the needy and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot.

If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life “ one more time, I’m going to kill her !







DECEMBER 26:

Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here ? It was all HER idea.

She’s really getting on my nerves !


DECEMBER 27:

Temperature dropped to – 30 and the pipes froze.


DECEMBER 28:

Warmed up to about – 20. Still snowed in. She is driving me crazy ! ! ! !


DECEMBER 29:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof off or it could cave in.

That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am ?


DECEMBER 30:

Roof caved in.

The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars.

The wife went home to her mother.

9 more inches of snow predicted for tomorrow.


DECEMBER 31:

Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling ! ! !


JANUARY 8:

I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

Why am I strapped to this bed ?

 

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a

woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her

rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple

seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still

working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me

so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my

other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car

using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away

from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and

burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the **** phone, soaked my trousers,

and disconnected an important call. Darn women drivers!!!

 

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, slowly kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and has not
seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."_
_
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find
it.__Be strong, honey. I love you too.

PISTOL

 

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

DW

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied to the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the
ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to
the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks
great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into the town one Saturday
night. One o'clock cam, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock,
and no hired hand.

He returned around 2:45 a.m. and upon entering the room he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed
neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now, she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, I'll fire you."

 

The History of French Military Victories

So the French still aren't on board with us spanking Iraq. Oh boo hoo. Let's take a look at the mighty French military prowess, shall we?

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France surrenders?"

 

Ivory Coast is kicking their sorry butts now too. I wonder how it feels to get your butt kicked by a country that sounds like a bar of soap?

 

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"