dEFINITION OF TOUGH:
3 Cowboys are telling stories of their toughness. The first says he's so tough that when he got bitten by a rattler during a roundup he just manned it out until the last cow was penned.
The second cowboy remembered a time when he was run over by a stampede and still penned all the cattle even though he suffered numerous broken bones and bruises.
The third cowboy said nothing at all while calmly stirring the coals of the campfire with his edit

 

Redneck 10 commandments...

(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(7) No killin'
(8) Watch yer mouth
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.

Hay

 

The 'Rules of the South' are as follows!!!



1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65

goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves a re coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope y ou don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish &; crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
(And that stuff that you eat, with sugar in it and tastes like cake, Ain't real cornbread. No self respecting southerner puts sugar in cornbread ).

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.

17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

18. The south is the greatest!! If you are from the south you are part of the best people in the USA!!

 

Amen (ten character min)

 

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

 

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?", asks the German driver.

"Quattro means-a four", replies the Italian official.

"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can't-a pull-a that-a one on-a me!", replies the Italian customs agent, "Quattro means-a four. You have-a five-a people in-a your car and you are therefore-a breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over - I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian official, "He can't-a come. He's-a busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

 

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of
a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:


1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.


The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by next Friday.

 

^
kills me every time i read it.....best "redneck" joke i have heard....


this was a commercial i thought was hilarious. It is a German commercial about wanting to speak English

<German guy sitting at a control station console>

(English Voice) May day May day, we are sinking!

--pause--

(German guy) What are you sinking about?

 

I love that whole clip. The bad thing is, I work with a guy that talks like that. He's only been living in Canada for 7 years. He hired a new guy by the name of Creighton, pronounces it cretan. I almost fell out of my chair when I heard it. A co-worker and I couldn't look at each other for fear of busting out laughing and having to walk out of the meeting. He's an electrical engineer and calls circuits cir-q-its. His wife drives a Ford Focuse. I need a new job.....

 

 

Anybody going flying today??

 

No - it's not the camel, it's the Mercedes.

It does appear that someone has their camel plugged in. Must be expecting a cold night.

 

You ever try to plug a camel in??? Dang things spit at the wall socket just as your plug is making contact, shocking the way out of both of you.

 

On second thought maybe it's a Dodge after the body had rotted off. Nothing left but pure power.

 

I heard it can get down to as low as +85F there in the winter. I wonder if the camel's spit evaporates before it hits the ground.