More Humor
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 78
Likes: 0
From: New Mexico
You guys up there in Canada can pretend you're Wyoming.
HOW COLD IS IT?
60 above zero:
Arizonians turn on the heat.
People in Wyoming plant gardens.
50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Casper sunbathe.
Being from Wyoming I can attest to all of those
40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Wyoming drive with the windows down.
32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Jackson Hole gets thicker.
20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Wyoming throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wyoming have the last cookout before it gets cold.
Zero:
People in Miami all die.
People in Wyoming close the windows.
10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Wyoming get out their winter coats.
25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Wyoming are selling cookies door to door.
40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Wyoming let the dogs sleep indoors.
100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wyoming drivers get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.
460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Wyoming start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"
500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Wyoming public schools will open 2 hours late.
HOW COLD IS IT?
60 above zero:
Arizonians turn on the heat.
People in Wyoming plant gardens.
50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Casper sunbathe.
Being from Wyoming I can attest to all of those
40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Wyoming drive with the windows down.
32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Jackson Hole gets thicker.
20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Wyoming throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wyoming have the last cookout before it gets cold.
Zero:
People in Miami all die.
People in Wyoming close the windows.
10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Wyoming get out their winter coats.
25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Wyoming are selling cookies door to door.
40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Wyoming let the dogs sleep indoors.
100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wyoming drivers get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.
460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Wyoming start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"
500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Wyoming public schools will open 2 hours late.
Being from Wyoming I can attest to all of those.....
Thread Starter
Chapter President
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 4,983
Likes: 1
From: Sedalia, Texas
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even th ough he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumpersticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Administrator/Jarhead
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,984
Likes: 25
From: Jonesborough, TN
I know that the numbers don't add up... had to take some out...
>*********************************************** ** *************
>**Quickie #2**
>
>A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into
>the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
>"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my
>God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" *
>
>"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>*********************************************** ** ****************
>**Quickie #3**
>
>Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
>other is a husband.
>*********************************************** ** *************
>**Quickie #4**
>
>A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
>him a card with the letters:
>
>'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>
>"Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy
>replied, "I know the guy."
>*********************************************** ** **********
>**>********************************************** *** ***************
>**Quickie #6**
>
>A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. *
>
>*"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them TURN THEM NOW!
>We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
>They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
>NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are
>you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
>know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
>SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" *
>
>*The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly
>replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
>*********************************************** ** *****************
>
>*********************************************** ** *************
>**Quickie #2**
>
>A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into
>the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
>"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my
>God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" *
>
>"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>*********************************************** ** ****************
>**Quickie #3**
>
>Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
>other is a husband.
>*********************************************** ** *************
>**Quickie #4**
>
>A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
>him a card with the letters:
>
>'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>
>"Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy
>replied, "I know the guy."
>*********************************************** ** **********
>**>********************************************** *** ***************
>**Quickie #6**
>
>A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. *
>
>*"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them TURN THEM NOW!
>We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
>They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
>NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are
>you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
>know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
>SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" *
>
>*The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly
>replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
>*********************************************** ** *****************
>
Thread Starter
Chapter President
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 4,983
Likes: 1
From: Sedalia, Texas
Fifty years together
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ... "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient,you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasp and said, "You mean we're ?"
"Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ... "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient,you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasp and said, "You mean we're ?"
"Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
