More Humor
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 267
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From: Native Texan now traveling the Beautiful USA
Originally Posted by billygoat02
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well it was like this", said the man." I was having a quiet round
of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our *****
into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a
golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle
of the cows butt.
" That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cows tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
looks like yours!'
I don't remember much after that."
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well it was like this", said the man." I was having a quiet round
of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our *****
into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a
golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle
of the cows butt.
" That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cows tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
looks like yours!'
I don't remember much after that."
OMG LMAO
Mr Flash and I play golf together and that would have been my response!
Registered User
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 59
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From: Overseas
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English."
In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "C." Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "C" will be dropped in favour of "K." This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "PH" will be replaced with "F." This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "E" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" with
"Z" and "W" with "V."
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English."
In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "C." Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "C" will be dropped in favour of "K." This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "PH" will be replaced with "F." This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "E" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" with
"Z" and "W" with "V."
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 540
Likes: 0
From: Crosby, TEXAS
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...66181727845562
smarter than cats!
smarter than cats!
Registered User
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 59
Likes: 0
From: Overseas
prison vs. work
IN PRISON. . . . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK . . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON. . . . you get three meals a day.
AT WORK. . . . . you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON. . . . you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK. . . . . you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON. . . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK. . . . . you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.
IN PRISON. . . . you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK. . . . . you can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON. . . . they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.. . . . you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON. . . . all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK. . . . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON. . . . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK. . . . .you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.
AT WORK . . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON. . . . you get three meals a day.
AT WORK. . . . . you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON. . . . you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK. . . . . you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON. . . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK. . . . . you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.
IN PRISON. . . . you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK. . . . . you can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON. . . . they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.. . . . you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON. . . . all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK. . . . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON. . . . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK. . . . .you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 540
Likes: 0
From: Crosby, TEXAS
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...97087689846900
that aint right!, dear lord please forgive me and be with the starving pygmies down there in new guinea!
that aint right!, dear lord please forgive me and be with the starving pygmies down there in new guinea!
Registered User
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 59
Likes: 0
From: Overseas
Originally Posted by derek840378
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...97087689846900
that aint right!, dear lord please forgive me and be with the starving pygmies down there in new guinea!
that aint right!, dear lord please forgive me and be with the starving pygmies down there in new guinea!
You are so wrong for that! That was funny had to show everyone in the shop that one, just didn't tell them what it was and once it started they were all mesmerized and couldn't stop staring in disbelief.
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 59
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From: Overseas
One day, a bus full of horrendously ugly people was accidentally driven of a cliff. Everyone died.
In heaven, God yelled to them "I realize you have
been shunned by society when you were alive, so I will grant each of you
one wish!". The ugly people formed a big plan at the Pearly Gates, each of
them making a wish: to be pretty and handsome and suave.
One guy at the back started laughing. It started as a chuckle but began
increasing as the line progressed. When it was his turn, he was about to
fall on the floor.
When he finally got a breath out, he laughed " make 'em
all ugly again!"
I know people who would do this.
In heaven, God yelled to them "I realize you have
been shunned by society when you were alive, so I will grant each of you
one wish!". The ugly people formed a big plan at the Pearly Gates, each of
them making a wish: to be pretty and handsome and suave.
One guy at the back started laughing. It started as a chuckle but began
increasing as the line progressed. When it was his turn, he was about to
fall on the floor.
When he finally got a breath out, he laughed " make 'em
all ugly again!"
I know people who would do this.
Registered User
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 267
Likes: 0
From: Native Texan now traveling the Beautiful USA
Originally Posted by derek840378
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...97087689846900
that aint right!, dear lord please forgive me and be with the starving pygmies down there in new guinea!
that aint right!, dear lord please forgive me and be with the starving pygmies down there in new guinea!
Registered User
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 277
Likes: 0
From: rain belt
Originally Posted by derek840378
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...97087689846900
that aint right!, dear lord please forgive me and be with the starving pygmies down there in new guinea!
that aint right!, dear lord please forgive me and be with the starving pygmies down there in new guinea!
that's wrong
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 540
Likes: 0
From: Crosby, TEXAS
yao ming is now a backstreet boy
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...16010568488162
and now the sequel:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...88671797017868
dueling "banjos":
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...=peter+griffin
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...16010568488162
and now the sequel:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...88671797017868
dueling "banjos":
http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...=peter+griffin