True Bravery

True bravery is when you get home staggering drunk after a long night with the guys.
Then being assaulted by your wife with a broom and then having the guts to ask

"Are you cleaning or going to fly somewhere?"

 

Barry, I am not sure if I would classify that as bravery. More like pure stupidity. A death wish.

 

THE DEFINITION OF MACHO!!!- Joggin home from your vesectomy!!!

 

Ouch, ow, ouch, ow, ouch, ow, ouch, ow, ouch, ow, ou ..PLOP!

 

Subject: American Medical info, WOW a GREAT Piece of info



American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know

 

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers"

 

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.




Only in America.......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.




Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.




Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.




Only in America.......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.




Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.




Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.




EVER WONDER ...




Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?




Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?




Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?




Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?




Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?




Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?




Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?




Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?




Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?




Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?




Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?




You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!




Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?




Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?




If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?




If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)..in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

 

Letter from a Senior Citizen to John Kerry

I am a Senior Citizen,

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job, I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraq war.

I lost my home, my health insurance, as a matter of fact, I lost everything and became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to ensure that a Democrat is in the White House come next year.

Bush has got to go!

I just thought you would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein

 

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

 

The older you are, the funnier that is!

 

APARTMENT FOR RENT

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to
spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before
he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash
with him, but he will have his secretary write a check
and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250
and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
> >
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250
for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy
and at home.


However, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was
entirely too large.
> >
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:
> >
Dear Sir,
> >
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know
how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment
is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have
enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the
landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady.

 

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.

I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest--he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.

One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes--it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

" I call them by their last names."

 

**stolen from another forum**

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------



An old farmer in Oklahoma had owned a
large farm for several years. He had a large pond in
the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.
One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a
while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the
pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch
of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made
the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're
not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just
here to feed the alligator."

Moral: An old man can still have fun even after he
retires.

 

A man goes into the pharmacy coughing badly and goes up to the counter and ask the young girl if the pharmacist in. She said no he wouln't be in until later. The man said he couldn't stop coughing and needed something quick. The girl thought then handed him a box of Exlax. The pharmacist saw the man leaving and ask the girl what was wrong with him. The girl said he had a terrible cough and she gave him a box of Exlax. The doctor said what is wrong with you Exlax won't stop his coughing she said no but now he's afraid to cough.

 

Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please try to pay attention.

We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts do not like to be called "Towel Heads," since the item they wear on their heads is actually a small, folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as:

"Little Sheet Heads."

Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.