A man goes into a lawyer's office and says,

"I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco companies?"

The man says, "Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with."

 

>>Talented Gynecologist
>>
>>A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance
>>and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another
>>career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to
>>change careers and become a mechanic.
>>
>>He found out from the local technical college what was involved,
>>signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned
>>all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached,
>>the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed
>>the exam with tremendous skill.
>>
>>When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he
>>had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the
>>instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
>>outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error
>>which needed adjusting."
>>
>>The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
>>apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You
>>put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also
>>worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say,
>>"I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through
>>the muffler."

 

> NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN
>
>A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The
>husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One
>morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
>take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
>the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to
>read her book.
>
>Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
>says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
>
>"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
>
>"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
>
>"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
>
>"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
>any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
>
>"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
>woman.
>
>"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
>
>"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
>start at any moment."
>
>"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

 

From today's E-Mail

Subject: FW: SADDAM'S BEEN RELEASED!!!!!!
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 14:09:19 +0000

The US Navy today announced that it has released Saddam Hussein after questioning him extensively while he was held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea. In what is being called a humanitarian gesture, $750,000 was returned to Saddam and he was given a white Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody. The attached photo shows Saddam on his way home just after being released by the Navy.

 

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended,
says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
"If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a
taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"


The clerk says, "Well, no."



With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then,
why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"



The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

 

 

For the difficult people in your life!

 

 

How many time have we thought "If I just close my eyes she'll go away"

 

PISTOL

 

The one on the left looks like Paris Hilton.....

 

Hmmmmmmmm, Shovelhead, I think your right! Ugly little sucker....

 

 

YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...
* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You prefer to grind coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
* Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

 

A man is at work one day and notices he co worker has an earring.
He knows this man to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about the sudden change in his fashion sense. He walked up to him and said "I didn't know you were into earrings?"
"Don't make such a big deal about it it's only an earring"
"So...... how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed"