Dear Alcohol:

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,

I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends / girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,

aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.


Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

 

Someone will get drunk and try to say those words this weekend....and something tells me BigBlue will be involved

As long as he doesn't try add a Cop Car kill to his signature, I think he'll be fine.

Chris
Now lets see if he'll chime in here

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says . . .
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I
know you' re about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. "

 

So I'm sitting here at work the other day when the phone rings. There's some snickering on the other end and an older gentleman with a bit of a southern accent speaks up and Starts asking about what he could get for a trade on his '01 CTD, for a new dually. Then I hear more snickering. Then he says something about giving me something like his truck and 20 some thousand towards a new one and the snickering starts again. I asked, "Excuse me sir, but would you be from Arkansas by chance? " He said, "I sure am, how'd ya guess?"
I told him "Sir, this was a pizza shop."

 

Ouch


PISTOL

 

Red,
That ain't funny.
Hope you get a fish hook hung up in your **** and have to hike 10 miles to get it removed.
I ran into that "idiot" at the farm show Friday. I bet y'all didn't know that the new Cummins has 610 hp, and is a dual overhead cam hemi. You can take that to the bank, 'cause a salesman told me that. I rather enjoyed breaking it off in him. He even got in one of the trucks and before he cranked it, he pumped the "gas" pedal several times.
Guess he was Army trained.

 

Two goldfish ar sitting in their tank.
One turns to the other and says.
"I'll drive, you man the guns!"

 

Rimind me to show you how squids manuever through the jungle........

 

This Squid trained as a Grunt and lived in the Mud for 4 years before getting the Navy 3 hots and a cot.

1/12th Inf 4th ID Fort Carson 1979-1980
1/9th Inf (MANCHU) 2nd ID Camp Greaves Korea, Imjin Scout 1980-1981
2/1st Inf 9th ID Fort Lewis Wa 1981-1983

And whats wrong with pumping the pedal?

ramlovingvetthegruntsquidout

 

You got 10 years on me, but sometimes the Army seems big and sometimes it seems small. Sorry our paths haven't crossed.

Basic/AIt Ft Sill.
1st A.D. Nurnburg Germany 2/1 FA attached to 4/70 Armor
260th FA 1st Aviation Bde. Ft Rucker Al. and Air Assault School Instructor.
11th Armored Cav Wildflecken Ge. HHT 2/11 ACR
1st I.D. 1/5 F.A. Ft Riley Ks. Attached to 1/16 Inf
4 yrs 1/119th FA 38th I.D. Nat'l Gaurd. Attached to 3/126 Inf AirASSLT

Last Military boat I was in, I got a ticket for poaching. Chumming without a license. 'Course I just had taken a rat fever pill without breakfast......

 

And I've got 10 years on Ram.
Boot camp, San Diego, Sep - Nov '68, Company 658
Lots of places since then and now.

officallyamemberoftheoldphartsclubShortround out

 

I know what a hart is, buts an oldp..... or even a sclub?

 

old pharts club

Didn't know if you were kidden when you asked.

 

1st,
Watch Redleg. He enjoys checking to see how thin some peoples skin is.