Oh....I got that part out of it....I just thought you forgot to post the punch line.

 

About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western
Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady
sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.
I noticed that all the staff, ship officers, waiters, busboys, etc. all
seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was,
expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she
had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the
dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We
chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four
cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand"
and she replied without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I
am going to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing
home is $200 a day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can
get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That
leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant
or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every
day of the week.)

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free
washers and dryers and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5
worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.

7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress
replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your
inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for
them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare.
If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship, they will upgrade you to a
suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama
Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia or name where you want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing
home, just call shore to ship.

PS And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no
charge!

 

The Blonde and the Casino:

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A
very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers
stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,

"What did she roll?"
The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching

 

See blondes aren't so dumb after all!

I'd like to see you guys pull something like that off!

 

No problem....................

You should see "The Fully Monty" impression......

 

On Saturday morning, I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog, and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck. Down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage, rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.” To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that weather?"

 

ooooooooooo that hurts...........

 

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of **** glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is **** glaucoma?" he asks.
"I can't see my butt coming into work today."

 

The Outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"

 

Why was Ma stickin' he head in the hole so her beard would get stuck?

Please do not try to explain the joke, I get it. Would hate to see this thread locked!

sickmindedyoungun
Chris

 

You guys are SICK!

 

wow...the beard one is good

 

Bar Serves 'Goldfish Shots'

POSTED: 9:44 am CST February 2, 2005
UPDATED: 10:06 am CST February 2, 2005

CALGARY, Alberta -- You've heard of Jello shots, but how about goldfish shots?

Canadian animal welfare officials say they're investigating a bizarre complaint about people drinking live goldfish, swimming in a glass full of booze.

Cheryl Wallach, a spokeswoman for the Calgary Humane Society, said a downtown restaurant and bar was apparently handing out the goldfish shots. Wallach said people do a lot of crazy things with animals, but this is a first.

Investigators will look into whether the goldfish shot incident actually occurred and whether the fish suffered.

A manager at the restaurant said it's something they've always done, but isn't providing any more details.

 

The Outhouse

Thats too funny !

But OMG that would hurt!!!!!

 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."