More Humor
09-27-2004, 09:18 PM
#31
Chapter President
Thread Starter
We Texans love y'all, but we'll have to take action if Kerry wins president over Bush. We'll miss you too.
Here is our solution:
#1: Let John Kerry become President of the United States. (all 49 states.)
#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic Of Texas.
So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. (we will control the space industry.)
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.
3. Defense Industry. (we have over 65% of it) The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.
5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm....
6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola,Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.
8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT Texas, A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, Ivy grows better in the south anyway
9. We have a ready supply of workers. (just open the border when we need some more)
10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and lets not forget seafood from the gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic Of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.
Signed, The People in Texas
Have a nice day! Ya hear!
Here is our solution:
#1: Let John Kerry become President of the United States. (all 49 states.)
#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic Of Texas.
So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. (we will control the space industry.)
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.
3. Defense Industry. (we have over 65% of it) The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.
5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm....
6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola,Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.
8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT Texas, A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, Ivy grows better in the south anyway
9. We have a ready supply of workers. (just open the border when we need some more)
10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and lets not forget seafood from the gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic Of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.
You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.
Signed, The People in Texas
Have a nice day! Ya hear!
10-07-2004, 02:35 AM
#32
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The train was quite crowded, so the US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, the only seat left was taken by a well dressed French womans poodle. The war weary Marine asked "Maam may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular " Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."The Marine walked the entire train again and the only seat was under that dog. "Please maam. May I have that seat? I'm so tired." She snorted "not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant"
This time the Marine didn't say anything he just picked up the little dog and tossed it out the train window and sit down. The woman shieked "someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now sir you've thrown the wrong b**ch out the window!"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular " Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."The Marine walked the entire train again and the only seat was under that dog. "Please maam. May I have that seat? I'm so tired." She snorted "not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant"
This time the Marine didn't say anything he just picked up the little dog and tossed it out the train window and sit down. The woman shieked "someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now sir you've thrown the wrong b**ch out the window!"
10-07-2004, 12:12 PM
#34
Registered User
Redneck Jedi
You know you're a redneck jedi when..
You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You know you're a redneck jedi when..
You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
10-07-2004, 03:44 PM
#38
Registered User
CHEERIOS !
A 9 - year old and a 7 - year old were upstairs in their bedroom one morning,
when the 9 - year old says " You know what ? I think it's about time we
started swearing."
The 7 - year old eagerly nods his head in approval.
The 9 - year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say hell,
and you can say A.. OK ?
The 7 - year old agrees with enthusiasm and they head for the kitchen.
Their mother walks to the kitchen table and asks the 9 - year old what he
wants for breakfast.
Aw' hell, Mom, I guess I'll just have some Cheerios."
With a WHACK , his mother knocks him off his chair.
He tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs
crying his eyes out.
She looks at the 7 - year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do you want for breakfast young man ?"
Reflecting back on what has just happened to his brother,
he thinks for a minute and says, "I don?t know,
But you can bet your A.. it won't be Cheerios !"
A 9 - year old and a 7 - year old were upstairs in their bedroom one morning,
when the 9 - year old says " You know what ? I think it's about time we
started swearing."
The 7 - year old eagerly nods his head in approval.
The 9 - year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say hell,
and you can say A.. OK ?
The 7 - year old agrees with enthusiasm and they head for the kitchen.
Their mother walks to the kitchen table and asks the 9 - year old what he
wants for breakfast.
Aw' hell, Mom, I guess I'll just have some Cheerios."
With a WHACK , his mother knocks him off his chair.
He tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs
crying his eyes out.
She looks at the 7 - year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do you want for breakfast young man ?"
Reflecting back on what has just happened to his brother,
he thinks for a minute and says, "I don?t know,
But you can bet your A.. it won't be Cheerios !"
10-08-2004, 05:09 PM
#40
Administrator / Scooter Bum
Found in my E-mail today:
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget
about the tooth ache.
AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really
are:
You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget
about the tooth ache.
AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really
are:
You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10-08-2004, 07:08 PM
#41
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10-08-2004, 08:33 PM
#42
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Location: Super Natural, British Columbia
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Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning
for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his
back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days,
you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and
gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs
and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling
to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his
morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that
Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when
Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You
were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God
and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his
back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days,
you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and
gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs
and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling
to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his
morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that
Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when
Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You
were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God
and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
10-10-2004, 08:37 PM
#44
It's my pot and I'll stir it if I want to. If you're not careful, I'll stir your's as well!
"If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside."
Robert Cringely
Robert Cringely