crobtex

Redneck Church
-------------------------

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the
"OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500
members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as
"branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is
what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were
donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are
really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a Bell, you are called to service by a duck call

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife
drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet"
applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the
benediction are, "Y'all come back now Ya Hear!"

BBWD

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker-Night 10.3, Football 5.0, hunting/Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run they crash the system when selected..

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but Uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks, A Troubled User (SEE REPLY BELOW)
______________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem about which men are complaining.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run everything.

It is impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. and impossible to uninstall or purge from the system, once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. (Re: Wife 1.0 manual - Warnings/Alimony/Child-Support.)

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I furthermore suggest that you install the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be extremely high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean/sweep 3.0, Cook-It 1.5 and Do-Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5 and once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software such as Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

WARNING!!! Never, under any circumstance, install Short-Skirt-Secretary 3.3 because this application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to your entire operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

John (DH)

Chrisreyn

Funnies in Flight



All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you
want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here,
find a seat and get in it!"




******





On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."




******



"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane"





******







"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."




******



As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice
came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

******



>From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to
Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."





******




"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
favorite."





******




Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."



******



"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."



******



"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."





******




And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none
of them are on this flight!"



******





Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."







******




Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of US Airways."



******



Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em."



******



A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good
and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax... OH, MYGOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front
of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine!"



******



An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

greatwhite

I heard this one myself on a Westjet flight from Edmonton to Winnipeg: "Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome aboard Westjet flight ***.... I would like to tell you that we have one of our most senior and capable flight crews flying you today, but I can't. We're stuck with George and Rich...." And during the seat belt demo with that little short seatbelt... " To use the belt.... and ladies if any of you can fit THIS belt around your waist.. we hate you."

diesel_kid

Heres a little funny for you guys.

The owner of a 1991 F-250 with a 302 5spd stock said 3 very stupid things to me last night. He said first of all that I have a Dana 44 in the front of my pickup, I told him it was a 60, but he wouldnt listen .
He also said there was no such thing as a Dana 80, when I told him that my truck had a 70 and the 1 Tons had an 80 in them.
Then he said the stupidest thing of all, and that was that his truck could out pull my stock truck, which is in my sig. This is what gave me the biggest laugh of all. So i replyed, lets hook up the chains.

crobtex

What did he say?

diesel_kid

Well uh uh, umm, ya see, uhhh, uh I dont wanna because uh uh my truck its the rearends ya, uh their actin up on my lately, when I get them fixed, we will have that pull forsure.
I just laughed and walked away, as soon as the repeated studdering, as noted above, happens you know that they know they just said something stupid and made themselves a challenge they couldnt step up too .

I love my diesel

crobtex

doodah

well, ya know the "TOOTH BRUSH" was invented in Arkansas, cause If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a "TEETH BRUSH"!!!!!

Barry Smith

The Dinner

A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel alittle discomfort thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and she lets out a little "one". It wasn't loud but everyone at the table hear the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends dad looked at the dog that had been snoozing at the womans feet and said in a rather stern voice "Skippy!". A couple of minutes later she was beginning to feel pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let an even louer and longer "one" rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled "Skippy". Once again the woman smiled and thought yes! A few minutes later the woman let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. Once again the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled "Darnit Skippy get away from her before she poops on you!"

TomW

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

Barry Smith

Tom, that was great I've got tears running own my cheeks!

crobtex

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new
BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses,
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his laptop computer, connects it to his
cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he
then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email and accesses a database with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads
all of this via an email and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his HP LaserJet
printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586
cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a democrat consultant," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though
nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...now,
give me back my dog."

DieselDaze

Two guys just finished working out in a gym.
They hit the showers and proceed to the locker room where the first guy notices the other fellow putting on a pair of womens lace underwear.
The first guys says:
"Hey, uh.... when did you start wearing those!"
To which the second guys says:
"Ever since my wife found them in my car!"


Rich

nickleinonen