That's good.

 

HA! "Thats funnier then watchin midgets run track right there"-Larry the Cable Guy

 

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared
at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

 

Very nice.

 

I will never be able to understand how Larry Ellis thinks, but to comply with his wishes i am moving this from the quote section to the humor section?
I don't see anything humorus about this list of factual quotes !!

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)


We always hear "the rules"
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine..Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh!!

 

Herb this is a quote;

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers We are the president....Hillary Clinton

This is a joke;

How many Electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

3... one to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder.

I hope this helps you determine the difference between a quote and a joke

 

Thanks for that clarifacation Larry. think I got it now:

Quote :
 THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS TO CONTINUE DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING THE RESULTS TO BE DIFFERENT

Joke :
George Bush

 

As learned from watching the election results of the Dem party candidates.

 

"BURN!!"...Chris

 

A Rooster Named Ralph

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster. He wants chicks so he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster named Ralph. He'll service every hen you got, no problem." Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000. It's a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So he buys Ralph.

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gives the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of hens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. Wham! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times. The farmer is shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham!, Ralph gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out, both feet sticking straight up in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down. Now look what you've done to yourself!"

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhsshh! They're getting closer."

 

They're getting closer!!

 

The diet clinic was so successful it took your breadth away.

 

There were two nuns... One of them was known as
Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what
has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,
so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down .

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty...
I'll pray for you!

 

Thanks for the prayers ... my mind was wallowing in the gutter on that one ... .

PISTOL

 

Applicants for Lion Taming Job



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.. One is a good looking, older retired navy chief in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try
out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her; feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired chief and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old chief replies, "No problem, just get that dang lion out of the way."

PISTOL