---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have
bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But,
thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Texas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. But, before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed.

"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

 

Hahahaha. Good one.

 

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

 

Hope this isn't a duplicate-


A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.


There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."


Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.

What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered,










"THE TEETH"

 

Why does a man's heart beat quicker, his knees get weak, his throat
get dry, and he starts thinking irrationally when a woman wears
leather clothing?
>>
>> *

>>
>> *

>>
>> *

>>
>> *

>>
>> *


>> Because she smells like a new truck!

 

HAHA Its funny cause its true

 

Here is one i heard years ago...and is quite dumb but still funny.

A piece of rope walks into McDonalds and tries to order a burger and fries but the woman tells him "I'm sorry we only serve humans here, you must leave." The next day he tries the same thing to no avail, he keeps getting turned away because they will not provide service to a piece of rope. One night he gets a bright idea. He twists himself into a pretzel shape and unwraps his ends to to look very ragged. When he enters the McDonalds and orders his burger and fries, the woman asks "Aren't you the same rope that keeps coming in here?"

To that the rope replied "No, I'm a frayed knot!"


(afraid not)

 

That's not why

 

im afraid you're wrong

 

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all
other system activity. Applications such as Poker
Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5,
and Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm
thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.


Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is
designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return
to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or
purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0
is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0
manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support. I
recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving
the situation. I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software
augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give
the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support
programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and
Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the
program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way
to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is
not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

 

2005 Darwin Award Winners:
>
>1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
>during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot
>did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
>and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
>
>And now, the honorable mentions:
>
>2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
>machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
>insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
>its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
>finger The chef's claim was approved.
>
>3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
>during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman
>had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
>
>4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
>found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
>from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
>incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
>waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
>mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
>and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
>days.
>
>5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
>wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
>injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
>he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
>
>6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
>counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
>the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
>the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
>fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
>got from the drawer..$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you
>money, is a crime committed?)
>
>7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
>carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
>MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A Edit-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
>Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and
>doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been
>about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief
>got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
>event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the
>words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a Edit-up!"
>
>8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
>he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
>booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
>at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief
>on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
>of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
>
>9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
>grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
>woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
>Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
>car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
>and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
>officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
>
>10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
>Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
>demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
>open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
>rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
>frustrated, walked away.
>
>A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
>
>11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
>a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
>at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
>spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
>to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
>sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
>charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

A true irishman................





Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford
Excursion into an Irish gas station.


An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware of whom the
golf pro was. "Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing
his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his
pocket.


"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.


"They're called tees." replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my ***** on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at FORD think of everything."

 

A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: "I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please." The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.

All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.

The barman rushed over and said: "Argh!! You just shot my friend!!!" The Panda calmly replied: "Do you know what I am?" "Of Course I do," the barman answered, "you're a Panda!" "Good," the Panda replied, "now go home and look me up in the dictionary." And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition...

PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

 

Read very carefully.....




Instructions on how to clean your toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo
to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a
"power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that
there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the
bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.




Sincerely,
The Dog