Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's
apartment when Paddy Murphy lost $500 on a
single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead
at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,
the other five continued playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looked around and asked,
"Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.
Who will it be?"

They drew straws. Liam Gallagher picked the short one.
They told him to be discreet, be gentle; don't make a
bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll
ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me".

Gallagher went over to Murphy's house and knocked on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answered and asked what he wanted.

Gallagher declared: "Your husband just lost $500 and is
afraid to come home".

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." said Gallagher.

 

This happened tonight, my aunt asked my sixteen year old blond cousin if it was brown outside (we live in West Texas and could hear the wind blowing), it was 9:00, she looks out the window and says, no it's black out.

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.


When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, ***** it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the nads to pull the trigger."

Don't ya just love lawyers

 

the sad part is I know exactly what you are talking about...brown out...

 

I know about that too.......but a good laundry ussually can taek care of it....

 

It takes a really good laundry, otherwise you feel gritty for 2 washes. It's fun watching the sand dunes go across the dash of an 84 Chevy.

 

I saw this hanging in one of the professors offices. "Secure the Building: a study of communications" If you tell the Navy to secure the building they'll turn the lights out and lock the door. Tell the Army to secure the building, they will occupy it and set up a parameter letting no one in. Tell the Marines to secure the building, they will assault the building using covering fire and hold it using close combat techniques. Tell the Air Force to secure the building, they'll have all paper work filled out and the thing financed.
He was retired Air Force. (Maj. Arthur Dearing.)

 

Nuther old son" I got tears in my ears from lying on my back crying over you." Herd it the other night on a oldies station

 

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

 

Oh my God .... that is some funny stuff !!!! I would have paid money to see that one.

PISTOL

 

OH MY GOSH!!!! That was a good un!!!

A lady went to the pharmacist and asked him for some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When
he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They
came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag
in the window. "This house is yours for eternity,
Peyton," said God.
"This is very special; not everyone gets a house up
here."
Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his
house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another
house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion
with a purple and black sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole
with an enormous Ravens logo flag, and in every
window, a Baltimore Ravens towel.
Peyton looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to
be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro
QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the
Hall of Fame."
God said "So what's your point Peyton?"
"Well, why does Ray Lewis get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said "Peyton, that's not Ray's
house, it's mine."

 

Zookeeper that is a great diet you have there. Hope I get the oppertunity to try it.

Did convince a NY State tourest, visiting OR that thunder eggs came from thunder birds, and the thunderbird was the Oregon state bird. She ask if I was from Oregon. Nope Washington state at that time. When she asked what the Wa state bird was, I told her it is a geoduck.
Wife acted as if she didn't know me

 

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New England & fell into it:

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas, & was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event & a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn`t be all that spicy, & besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike`s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that`s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur`s Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I`m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred`s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I`ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I`m getting faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba`s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or Other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I`m eating.

Chili # 5: Linda`s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted & four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera`s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice & peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions & garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I need to wipe my with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan`s Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, & I wouldn`t feel a thing. I`ve lost the sight in one eye, & the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they`ll know what killed me. I`ve decided to stop breathing, it`s too painful. Screw it, I`m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I`ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen`s Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell, & pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he`s going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: --------------(editor`s note: Judge #3 was unable To report)

 

Madhat, you need to watch your language. You're totally ruining perceived stereotypes here.