More Humor
09-14-2004, 08:34 AM
#1
Chapter President
Thread Starter
More Humor
This could be most anyplace.
A Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited by a Yankee) after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, May I see your driver's license and registration please?"
The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look, both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."
The elderly Ranger had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
Teaching by example is not a lost art..........
A Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited by a Yankee) after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, May I see your driver's license and registration please?"
The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look, both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."
The elderly Ranger had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
Teaching by example is not a lost art..........
Why did it have to be a yankee driving? I resemble that remark. That's a good one. I'll have to share that one with my co-workers.
09-14-2004, 06:45 PM
#5
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...as long as the theme is law based try this:
Subject: FW: Disorder In The Court!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Subject: FW: Disorder In The Court!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
09-15-2004, 06:52 PM
#7
Administrator
This one was just emailed to me today.
I didn't catch any olympic coverage this time around
(it was on the "other" network, as I work for a CBS owned station),
so I can't validate any of the comments.
Some of the words would not be proper in everyday conversation, but taken in context there isn't any other way to say it
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her ****** this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the *** of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his ***** and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
phox
I didn't catch any olympic coverage this time around
(it was on the "other" network, as I work for a CBS owned station),
so I can't validate any of the comments.
Some of the words would not be proper in everyday conversation, but taken in context there isn't any other way to say it
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her ****** this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the *** of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his ***** and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
phox
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09-15-2004, 07:20 PM
#8
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... man that hurt... I was laughing so hard.
And now to some serious news:
WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."
And now to some serious news:
WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."
New Voting Machine
09-21-2004, 03:17 PM
#11
Chapter President
Thread Starter
Subject: Old, but cunning!
AN OLD FARMER IN KANSAS HAD OWNED A LARGE FARM FOR SEVERAL YEARS. HE HAD A LARGE POND IN THE BACK, -- FIXED UP NICE; PICNIC TABLES, HORSESHOE COURTS, AND SOME APPLE AND PEACH TREES. THE POND WAS PROPERLY SHAPED AND FIXED UP FOR SWIMMING WHEN IT WAS BUILT.
ONE EVENING THE OLD FARMER DECIDED TO GO DOWN TO THE POND, AS HE HADN'T BEEN THERE FOR A WHILE, AND LOOK IT OVER. HE GRABBED A FIVE GALLON BUCKET TO BRING BACK SOME FRUIT. AS HE NEARED THE POND, HE HEARD VOICES SHOUTING AND LAUGHING WITH GLEE. AS HE CAME CLOSER HE SAW IT WAS A BUNCH OF YOUNG WOMEN SKINNY-DIPPING IN HIS POND. HE MADE THE WOMEN AWARE OF HIS PRESENCE AND THEY ALL WENT TO THE DEEP END OF THE POND. ONE OF THE WOMEN SHOUTED TO HIM, "WE'RE NOT COMING OUT UNTIL YOU LEAVE!"
THE OLD MAN FROWNED, "I DIDN'T COME DOWN HERE TO WATCH YOU LADIES SWIM NAKED OR MAKE YOU GET OUT OF THE POND NAKED." HOLDING THE BUCKET UP HE SAID, "I'M JUST HERE TO FEED THE ALLIGATOR."
MORAL: OLD AGE AND CUNNING WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND ENTHUSIASM EVERY TIME.
AN OLD FARMER IN KANSAS HAD OWNED A LARGE FARM FOR SEVERAL YEARS. HE HAD A LARGE POND IN THE BACK, -- FIXED UP NICE; PICNIC TABLES, HORSESHOE COURTS, AND SOME APPLE AND PEACH TREES. THE POND WAS PROPERLY SHAPED AND FIXED UP FOR SWIMMING WHEN IT WAS BUILT.
ONE EVENING THE OLD FARMER DECIDED TO GO DOWN TO THE POND, AS HE HADN'T BEEN THERE FOR A WHILE, AND LOOK IT OVER. HE GRABBED A FIVE GALLON BUCKET TO BRING BACK SOME FRUIT. AS HE NEARED THE POND, HE HEARD VOICES SHOUTING AND LAUGHING WITH GLEE. AS HE CAME CLOSER HE SAW IT WAS A BUNCH OF YOUNG WOMEN SKINNY-DIPPING IN HIS POND. HE MADE THE WOMEN AWARE OF HIS PRESENCE AND THEY ALL WENT TO THE DEEP END OF THE POND. ONE OF THE WOMEN SHOUTED TO HIM, "WE'RE NOT COMING OUT UNTIL YOU LEAVE!"
THE OLD MAN FROWNED, "I DIDN'T COME DOWN HERE TO WATCH YOU LADIES SWIM NAKED OR MAKE YOU GET OUT OF THE POND NAKED." HOLDING THE BUCKET UP HE SAID, "I'M JUST HERE TO FEED THE ALLIGATOR."
MORAL: OLD AGE AND CUNNING WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND ENTHUSIASM EVERY TIME.
09-21-2004, 03:49 PM
#12
Registered User
: OLD ROOSTER!!!
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the
old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old
hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the
farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to
be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the
young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old
rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he
sees the roosters running by. He grabs up
his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly
shakes his head and says,"Dang... third gay rooster
I bought this month."
Moral of this story... Don't mess with OLD FARTS - age and treachery will
always overcome youth and skill
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the
old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old
hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the
farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to
be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the
young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old
rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he
sees the roosters running by. He grabs up
his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly
shakes his head and says,"Dang... third gay rooster
I bought this month."
Moral of this story... Don't mess with OLD FARTS - age and treachery will
always overcome youth and skill
09-21-2004, 04:15 PM
#13
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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
“Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot. I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.”
The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...
“My God, I was riding the mare!”
“Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot. I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.”
The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...
“My God, I was riding the mare!”
09-23-2004, 07:28 AM
#14
Chapter President
Thread Starter
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God . I still have my driver's license!
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God . I still have my driver's license!
09-23-2004, 07:35 AM
#15
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Subject: Little Known Facts
It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a
Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified
by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.
=====================================
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.
=====================================
ZERO GRAVITY
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.To combat this
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen
that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface
including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over
300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy
paying them.
=====================================
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the
stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her
calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
illegal aliens wandering around our country.
! =====================================
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore."
It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a
Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified
by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.
=====================================
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.
=====================================
ZERO GRAVITY
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.To combat this
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen
that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface
including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over
300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy
paying them.
=====================================
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the
stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her
calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
illegal aliens wandering around our country.
! =====================================
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's
worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore."