More Humor
Registered User
Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 423
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From: Left Coast, (Right Wing)
Sergeant Major
A crusty old Marine Corps Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sgt. Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sgt. Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sigma's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex ?"
The Sgt. Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955 ! Isn't that a little extreme ?"
The Sgt. Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so ?.......... It's only 2130.
"Negative, ma'am," the Sgt. Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sigma's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex ?"
The Sgt. Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955 ! Isn't that a little extreme ?"
The Sgt. Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so ?.......... It's only 2130.
Banned
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 3,337
Likes: 0
From: Place with no quail:(
An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he has been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture.
The soldier did what any squared away soldier would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."
The soldier did what any squared away soldier would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 479
Likes: 0
From: SC
Sorry if this is a repeat....Didn't read all 49(!) pages...
Four Religious Truths
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
Four Religious Truths
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 479
Likes: 0
From: SC
This one is for SHOVELHEAD...
Top Ten Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf! in the wrong pot?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk ..
Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."
Top Ten Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf! in the wrong pot?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk ..
Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."
Banned
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,997
Likes: 0
From: Baltimore, MD
A guy was selling raffle tickets for his mule. Raffle tickets said the mule was a fine animal, quiet, didn't eat or drink much, very little exhaust (if you know what I mean). Well, the mule was dead, he didn't mention that fact. He sold over 1000 tickets at a buck a piece. He only had to give one guy his money back.
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Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting to get to and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."
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For flashdancr because she loves jokes about the wives!!
A husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
---------------
Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting to get to and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."
-------------
For flashdancr because she loves jokes about the wives!!
A husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
Registered User
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 267
Likes: 0
From: Native Texan now traveling the Beautiful USA
Originally Posted by getblown5.9
For flashdancr because she loves jokes about the wives!!
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
Yep, sounds like something I'd say! 
Thats MR Hoss to you buddy!
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 2,759
Likes: 3
From: Central Texas
A guy was selling raffle tickets for his mule. Raffle tickets said the mule was a fine animal, quiet, didn't eat or drink much, very little exhaust (if you know what I mean). Well, the mule was dead, he didn't mention that fact. He sold over 1000 tickets at a buck a piece. He only had to give one guy his money back.
Chapter President
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 357
Likes: 0
From: Michigan
Originally Posted by displacedtexan
An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he has been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture.
The soldier did what any squared away soldier would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."
The soldier did what any squared away soldier would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."
Administrator
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,522
Likes: 4
From: Sandy, Utah
The Blonde Year In Review
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January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."
October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
phox-nonblonde.
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January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."
October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
phox-nonblonde.