Question:
How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question;
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation!?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes and have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!!! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:
BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

 

 

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?????


The 2002 Hide and seek champion!!!!


~Nick

 

I thought flashdancr would like this one :

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

That's great

 

OK, for all the married folk out there...

Why are single women thinner than married women???

Because when a single woman gets home, she looks in the fridge, then goes to bed.



When a married woman gets home, she sees what's in the bed, and goes for the fridge....

 

Two guys decide to set up a bungee jumping service in Mexico. They set up in a plaza, and a large crowd assembles around them, so they decide to give a demonstration.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up, he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. The second guy finally catches him and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?” The first guy replies, “No, the cord was fine…but what in the world is a pinata?”

 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me! Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

 

Subject: MEN'S EDUCATIONAL CLASSES
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 2005 08:25:54 -0500

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Dec. 19,2005

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, Diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

John (DH)

 

Nut case: Couple uncovers condom in hazelnut


Diane Geist holds up the condom and hazelnut shells her husband found New Year's Eve after she bought nuts from the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Rifle.
Post Independent/Kara K. Pearson


RIFLE - Consider it a modern-day twist on the story of the Trojan horse.

When Diane Geist brought home some mixed nuts, still in their shells, over the holidays, it turns out one of the shells was concealing a condom, she said.

Her husband, Brian, discovered it on the morning of New Year's Eve when he was reading a book and dining on some nuts at their home south of Silt, she said.

"My husband cracked open a hazelnut and a condom popped out. He couldn't believe it. He just sort of sat there and stared at it and he said, 'You wouldn't believe what I found in this nut," Geist said Tuesday.

She assumed he might have been talking about a bug. But it turned out to be a bright-yellow condom, still rolled up, she said.

Geist said she called the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Rifle, where she had bought the nuts from a bulk bin about a week before Christmas, and spoke to an assistant manager who told her how to contact the nut supplier, Diamond Foods. The two also had a good laugh over the incident, Geist said.

"It's just too funny," Geist said.

A Wal-Mart corporate spokesperson, Karen Burk, said Tuesday she thought it odd that Geist hadn't brought the condom and nutshell pieces to the store.

"We have no way of knowing if this was indeed an actual incident," she said.

"If that happened we would certainly would want them to bring it to us and let us look at it and investigate it. We would encourage that because we want to make sure something like that doesn't happen," she said.

Geist said she could understand Wal-Mart being skeptical.

"I would be too; it's crazy," she said.

But she decided to make a trip to the store later Tuesday.

"I'll baggie up the evidence and run it down there," she said.

Afterward, she reported that an assistant manager photographed the evidence, then asked Geist what she should do next. Geist suggested e-mailing the photo to corporate offices, but also said she didn't want to give up the condom.

"We probably won't throw it away for a while. It's too funny of a souvenir," she said.

But for now, the evidence is in police custody, after Geist decided she should report the incident to Rifle police late Tuesday afternoon.

Police chief Daryl Meisner said he hadn't had a chance to look into the matter in depth but wasn't sure what laws were violated, if any. "We're trying to figure out what we can do, if anything," he said.

Vicki Zeigler, public relations manager for Diamond Foods, said tampering with food is a federal offense. "People that do that, it's pretty despicable," she said.

Meisner said he has heard that condoms sometimes are distributed in nutshells in bars around the country, and wonders if one of them ended up in the Wal-Mart bulk bin.

As it turns out, the Web site www.thisistrue.com says Reuters reported an incident in which an Ontario woman found a condom in a walnut bought at a grocery store. "Apparently, a nearby sex shop sells condoms in plastic nutshells, and someone tossed one into the supermarket's bin as a joke," the site says.

Told of that report, Meisner said, "I'm suspecting something like that here but I'm not sure how it got into a shell that doesn't appear to be plastic."

Burk and Zeigler both expressed surprise at a condom being able to fit into the relatively small shell of a hazelnut. Geist agreed it was a tight fit. She said her husband speculates that the shell had been cut in half and glued back together.

Meisner, who didn't see signs of sawing or gluing, said he doesn't doubt the Geists' story. Geist said it's not something she could have concocted if she tried.

"It's so bizarre, I'm not clever enough to make up something that crazy," she said.

She said she has no interest in pursuing it from a legal standpoint.

"No one was in danger. It was just a practical joke," she said.

Besides, she said, "I don't think a judge would give any money for a condom in a nut."

But she said the incident makes her wonder if other tampered nuts are out there, and whether someone would put something dangerous in one. Both Wal-Mart and Diamond Foods share that concern.

"We want to make sure we're only putting safe, quality products on our shelves for our customers," said Burk, Wal-Mart's spokesperson.

Said Zeigler, "We're very, very dismayed and we do take it very seriously and we definitely do investigate."

Neither she nor Burk are aware of similar incidents of tampering occurring with the nuts they sell.

Zeigler said she hates to speculate, "but it could have been a prank played by almost anybody."

She said Diamond gets its hazelnuts from reliable companies, and makes use of an internal lab and constant inspections of its products.

"We know they're good when they leave our plant. Once they leave our control, they're out of our control," she said.

One problem with unpackaged products is that they are more susceptible to tampering, she said. She said Diamond is moving toward more packaged nuts.

"We found that a lot of consumers prefer packaged products because of this type of thing or just because it's in a sealed package," she said.

Said Geist, "I know I'm not buying things out of a bin anymore. It's kind of creepy."

But it could have been worse. At least the condom hadn't been used.

"Oh God, that would freak me out," she said.

As for the rest of the nuts she had bought?

"My husband finished them off," Geist said.

 

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute

blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go

quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow

passenger. So let's talk."



The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly

and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh,

I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a

deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes

little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the

horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose

that is?"



The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the

slightest idea." "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it

that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you

don't know poop?"

 

Your right I liked that one! May have to try that some time.

 

It took me three "work days" to read that whole 59 page post.

Here's some more

Bill gates was staring at his computer frustrated and exclaimed "If I had a nickel for every time windows crashed. . . oh wait I do"

aggie joke ( I'm a red raider)

Two aggies go on a hunting trip and hire a guide because neither of them have ever been hunting. Before they left the guide told them "If either of yuo get lost just fire a shot and we will find you." both aggies thought this was a good idea.

Well, the aggies got separated from their guide and one turns to the other and says "well, we better fire off a shot so they'll come and find us". So the other fires off a shot.

They wait about an hour and the aggie looks at his friend says "might as well fire another one" so he did. two more hours go by and they fire another shot.

after 3 more hours they are both hungry and one aggie looks at the other and says "well we don't have any choice fire off another" his friend looks at him and says "I can't" his friend says "well why not you don't want us to starve to death in the middle of the forest do you?" his friends reply "well, I agree with you, but I'm out of arrows."

 

one friend tries to get another to quit smoking. the friend, being tired of this attempt, says "you know i could be eating and choke on my food, or i could get struck by lightning or run over by a bus while crossing the street, I could die a number of different ways"

His freinds reply "well, if you hadn't smoked you could have gotten across the street a hell of a lot faster"

 

ron white:

Did you know that in California they have sea shell bikinies?
and did you know that if you pick a girl up that is wearing one and hold her up to your ear. . . you can hear her scream.