I was taking a drink and spit water onto my keyboard, thanks I needed that.

 

Things Not To Say at a Job Interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.

Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

Brought her large dog to the interview.

Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.

She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time.

Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office.

Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.

Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.

Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.

When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.

Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.

Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.

While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.

His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.

He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.

He took off his right shoe and sock, opened a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.

Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.

Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

 

The Nature of the Universe

Carl Zwanzig
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together..."

Douglas Adams
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

Albert Einstein
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

Rich Cook
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

Edward P. Tryon
"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."

Max Frisch
"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."

Woody Allen
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

Fred Hoyle
"There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."

Christopher Morley
"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."

Edward Chilton
"I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."

Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

 

A Child's View of Life

Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received some interesting responses from those of a younger generation...

What Exactly Is Marriage?

Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, AGE 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, AGE 9

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, AGE 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind... That's what I'll do... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, AGE 8

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, AGE 5

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, AGE 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, AGE 8

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, AGE 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, AGE 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, AGE 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you ..If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, AGE 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, AGE 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, AGE 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, AGE 7

 

A Drink for My Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

 

BREAKING NEWS:

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu,
George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

 

Good for him! Gotta start somewhere.

 

...the Galapagos is next...

 

Maybe Cheney can hunt people with the "bird" flu...

 

A 'Touchy-Feely' CNN reporter was interviewing a Marine Sniper. He
asked him "What do you feel when you kill a terrorist?"

The Marine answered: "Recoil."

 

that is the best answer to a question i have ever heard!!!!!!

 

This is an oldie, but thought I would post it again. Can you read it without having dirty thoughts?

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....






MOLASSES

 

Nice Stan

Chris

 

This joke won on the "dumb joke thursday" on the local radio in iowa a few years back:

One time there was this Gomer Pile type of lad that joined the army. On the first day of boot camp they were scheduled to practice their marksmanship on the shooting range. But the young private had not tucked in his shirt and was ordered to first do 100 push-ups. So by the time he arrived they were all out of rifles. The sargent gave him a lead pipe and he was told to practice aiming and getting used to the weight. So out to the field he went aiming at the targets with his lead pipe "blammity blam, blammity, blam" he shouted, "blammity blam".

The next morning bayonet exercises were in order. But yet again the soldier arrived late to get his bayonet so they gave him a stick and tied it around his lead pile. "Go out there and practice sticking the dummies with your pipe" he was ordered. So off he went, lead pipe in hand, to stick some dummies. "Stickety stick, Stickety stick" he wailed, "stickety stick".

Late that night while lying in his bunk the sirens began to scream. They were under full attack. The private jumps to his feet and grabs his only weapon, the lead pipe with the stick tied to it. Running out onto the battlefield he begins to fight. "Blammity blam, stickety stick, blammity blam, stickety stick". He fights all night long as hard as he can. "Blammity blam, stickety stick blammity blam, stickety stick".

When the sun begins to rise he looks around and notices that all of his friends and enemies are dead. Hes the only one left with a mountain of bodies strewn across the horizin.

But off in the distance he notices a figure coming slowly closer to him. He raises the pipe. "Blammity blam, blammity blam" but he doesnt fall. The man keeps coming "blammity blam, blammity blam" but still closer and closer until the man is right in front of him "Stickety stick, stickety stick" and the man walks right over the top of the private.

Lying in the dust and dirt the soldier raises his head to see the man who had defeated him. The man walking away is saying "TANKIE TANKIE TANKIE".



Yep and thats the winner. It is what it is....and it was DUMB joke Thursday.

 

a different version of stan's joke:

a daddy duck, a mommy duck, and a baby duck are all swimming in a pond. daddy duck dives under water, comes up and says,"my instincts tells me its time to fly south for winter. mommy duck then dives under water, comes up and says,"my instincts also tell me to fly south for winter. baby duck then dives down, struggles for a few seconds. he finally comes up gasping," my END STINKS too, but it didnt tell me anything!"