A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a
drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,
the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
only
fair that you should know five things:

Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black
belt
in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.

She concludes by
smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah, not if
I'm gonna have to explain it five frickin times."

 

that was a good one

 

AWW THATS FUNNY, I dont care who ya are thats funny right there

 

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.


The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went to a
shop in town, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came
out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him
and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a ****
.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog poo.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about
20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give two hoots. I came into town by bus. I try
to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important
at my age.

 

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around The
shop was full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the
shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and
said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has
to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill
looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

 

meanwhile, back on the farm, tension mounts and rides off.

 

A German guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked.

The two Aussies just stared at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The German guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first Aussie turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."


PISTOL

 

What happened to the German guy??

 

Hehehehe .... I guess he turned Swiss . (fixed on edit)

PISTOL

 

The Border Patrol is confused . They call wetbacks little sheet heads . ( I apologize if I offended anyone but I just couldn't resist that . )

 

Gotta post it under humor . These people can't be serious . I refuse to buy these magazines . I read the online version or thumb through them at WalMart . Almost as many laughs as reading "Redneck World " . The " Truck Trend " Truck of the year award goes to Honda Ridgeline . Come on now . My wife wants to trade her '99 Durango for something more economical . She told me Honda makes a truck now . I told her Honda makes a new sedan they forgot to design a trunk lid for . I bought her the Consumer Reports magazine showing the best and worst buys on trucks ( all under 1 ton . It oughta be illegal to call anything under 8,000 lbs. GVW a truck.) , SUV's and minivans . Son of a gun . The Nissan Titan , which "Truck Trend " rated the "best truck in America" after testing it against the Big 3 has been downgraded by Consumer Reports from Average to Worst . When describing the running of their Baja DNF Powerstroke , "Diesel Power Magazine " said " We were running at a winning pace but not a finishing pace " How the hell are you winning if you can't finish ? The Ford had to get pulled unstuck by a Toyota several times and was still a DNF . In this same issue " Diesel Power " says Nissan may put an International (Powerstroke ? ) diesel in their pickup and if they do it'll be a winner . Yeah , but will it finish ?

 

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iraqi said: "You know, I have just one question about
what I have seen in America."
President Bush said: "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iraqi whispered: "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
there is Chekov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is
Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Arabs on Star Trek."
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iraqi ambassador, and
whispered back: "It's because it takes place in the future . .. . ."

 

Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

 

Girls night out


Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These **** girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'