Dear Fred,

My wife and I have divorced. In the divorce settlement, she was awarded
the double wide mobile home and the pickup truck.

Per my copy of the court order, I delivered the truck before 2 PM
yesterday!

So, how's your day going?

See you,

Sid

 

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV... The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

 

This is a test to see if you're a Liberal a conservative or a Montanan.

You're walking along a forrest trail with your family. You are carrying a fully loaded Glock 22. as you walk, a man with a knife lunges at you and your family from the tree line. What is your response?

The Liberal:

You think to yourself, why am I carrying a gun? What kind of message does this send to my children? Does this portray a sensative, tolerant attitude? What is it about this area that promots violent crime? Maybe we can organize a community effort to make this place safer. This man's parents must have treated him awfully as a child. I wonder, if I could tackle him and hang on to his knees, if my family could escape as he stabs me to death?

The Conservative:

Bang!

The Montanan:

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

(sounds of reloading)

Son: Dad, I think he's still moving!

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!...

 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."

 

Have you heard about the three men that went deer hunting. A doctor, a lawyer, and a preacher were all in one stand when a great big buck walked up in their view. All three shot at the same time and the deer fell dead. A discussion began as to which one of the three killed the deer. The lawyer finally said, "since I'm accustomed to examining evidence, I'll go all see if I can determine whose shot killed him." He climbs down out of the stand, makes his way to the deer, and in a few minutes calls back, "the preacher killed him." "How can you tell," yelled back the doctor. "Because the shot that killed him went in one ear and out the other."

 

To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells
her it'll make her fat. "I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my
fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" "You'll be fatter than
that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a
very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's
belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this
stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me,
but do you know me?" "No, but I know what you've been doing."

 

Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car
broke down. He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer
if there was a place he could stay over night.
"Sure," said the farmer, "my wife died several years ago, and my two
daughters are 21 and 23 but they're off to college, and I'm all by my
self, so I have lots of room to put you up."
Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back towards
the highway, and the farmer called after him...."Didn't you hear what I
said? I have lots of room."
"I heard you," said the salesman,"but I think I'm in the wrong joke."

 

Okay. I'm done now.

 

And you get paid for doing this?

Daniel

 

Absolutely!

 

Hippie jokes:

Q: What's orange and looks good on a hippy?
A: Fire

Q: How do you know if a hippy has been in your house?
A: He's still there.

Q: What do you call a hippy whose girlfriend broke up with him?
A: Homeless.

Q. How do you keep a hippie from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.

Sent to me by my brother the hippie

[Edited]

 

Hoss - is your employer accepting applications?!

Matt

 

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood
behind the casket during the service. Following the
eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in
the beautiful heart forever. At that point,
one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just
thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.

 

I've never raced a cop but I let my girlfriend at the time drive and she tried to race a sherifff. And yes, tonight, I will try to say those words and I will get back to yall on how good it comes out.

 

Sheesh, took ya long enuff didn't it?!

Check out the redneck I just throwed out there for all to see

Sometimes I scare myself, but not NEAR as bad *** Hoss scares me, and I'm more than 1000 miles away,
Chris