[Removed]

 

 

Out of the mouth of small children

Jesus' Dad's Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

***********
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in
heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime,
she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she praOyed,
"but deliver us some E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to
church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 

Subject: Engineering Test


The Southern Association of Professional Engineers is sick and tired
of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. We challenge any
so-called smart Yankees to take this exam administered by the SAPE.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
blocks in our front yard: a '65 Ford Fairlane, '69 Chevy. Chevelle, or a '64
Pontiac GTO?

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at capacity of 20
gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense
the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2,700 RPM. The density
of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is
2.3 acres. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be
consumed before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the South vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone
layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24 inch centers with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The
porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound
dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3. 7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children
place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their
electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
slope on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given average traffic
conditions on secondary roads what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle
with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operated a NFPA Class I, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The
mine employs 200 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning
of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during
the 3rd shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to
breed a country-western singer?

 

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around
the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working
east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking
photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls:
$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the
sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line
to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man
thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit
churches in Seattle, Tulsa, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee and around
the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and the same
answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a
church in Brady, Texas, he saw the usual golden telephone. But,
behold, THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to
talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country
and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been
told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the
other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35
cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now......
It's a local call."

 

I especially like the last one.

 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year . . . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.


There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. I guess we all know who won that stupid argument!

 

HMM Have to give that a try.

 

A recording of a phone message left by a man who witnessed a car accident on his way to work. Listen to his hilarious play-by-play: Wooooooo!!!!HOOO!!! I still have tears in my eyes from laughter.

http://mfile.akamai.com/5022/wma/coa...5_incident.asx

 

Phone call from Daddy

(((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

**Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? Is this 555-7039?????

 

 

One day, a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill and the barber replied: "I'm sorry, I cannot
accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the
barber goes to open, there is a thank-you card and a dozen roses
waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money; I'm
doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the Barber goes to open up, there is a thank-you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept
money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank-you card and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business, and Becoming more successful".

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill, the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from
you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow . The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo

"Defrost the chicken."

 

That telephone call was hilarious.

 

Mar 10, 8:54 PM EST

Florida Lawmaker Seeks Toilet Paper Tax

By DAVID ROYSE
Associated Press Writer

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) -- Florida's Legislature is flush with good ideas. Sen. Al Lawson's involves a 2 cent-per-roll tax on toilet paper to pay for wastewater treatment and help small towns upgrade their sewer systems.

The Democratic lawmaker's pay-as-you-go bill has been the source of many jokes - bathroom humor you might say - but he says the issue is a serious one, especially in some of the fast-growing Panhandle coastal counties in his district.

"They're experiencing a tremendous boom in growth and they're not able to accommodate the growth," Lawson said. "We've got 17 million people in this state and all of them can contribute to protecting our underground water supply."

In a Republican-dominated Legislature that doesn't like new taxes, the idea is likely to pretty quickly end up in the tank.

Senate President Tom Lee, R-Brandon, said he didn't think it would get too far, but didn't rule it out.

"We'll be getting to the bottom of it real soon," Lee said.

The House is skeptical as well.

"We're not wild about tax increases," said House Speaker Allan Bense, R-Panama City. "But we'll certainly let it go through the system."

If it were to pass, the extra two pennies would start being charged in October. Lawson said it could generate $50 million a year.

It would also need approval from Gov. Jeb Bush. He said that if toilet paper is taxed, people might use less of it.

"That's not necessarily a good thing," noted the governor.

And what about consumers? Wouldn't they be squeezed by a tax on the Charmin?

No, says Lawson.

"Two cents is not going to hurt families at all," he said. "This is one thing people don't mind paying for."

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