Going to war without France is like going hunting without an accordian...

You're leaving behind a lot of noisy, useless baggage.

(Look for "French Military Victories" on Google- Hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky Button".)

 

O.K. Here goes - from today's internet.

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

John (DH)

 

A young woman in New Jersey was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbor. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.


He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."



The girl nodded yes. After all,what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.



From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.



"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."



"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Cape May-Lewes Ferry."

 

after that she headed straight to the bar on the ferry and drank hevily till they made shore, she passed out, and lucky for her she woke up and remembered nothing!

 

I dreamed last night I was having dinner in an exotic restaurant on the moon. Great food but no atmosphere.

 

Stan........lay off the tequila!

 

Why? So you can have more?

 

Hee Hee Heee.

 

A man walks into the Dentist office with a tooth ache Dentist says "that tooth has to come out, I'm going to give you a shot and come back in a few minutes"
The man grabs the Dentist's arm and says "no way I can't take a shot I hate needles"
So the Dentist says "we'll go with the gas then"
The man replies "no way the gas makes me sick for days"
The Dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water and a pill an say's "here take this"
Man ask "what is it?"
Dentists says "it's Viagra"
Man says "will it kill the pain?"
"No" says the Dentist "but it'll give you something to hold on to while I pull this tooth"

 

Yesterday I needed to find the Spanish word for a 'yoke'. You know, the wooden thing that goes across the necks of two oxen. Yoke translates as YUGO. Hmmm, wonder if this has any connection to the car of that same name?

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. --

 

A blonde walks into an electronics store and asks, "Can I have that T.V.?"

The salesman replies, "No. You're a blonde"

So she leaves.

The next day the blonde comes back with her hair dyed red.

"Can I have that T.V.?"

"No," says the salesman. "You're a blonde."

So she walks outs and comes back the next day with her head shaved bald.

"Can I have that T.V.?" she asks.

"No," says the salesman. "You're a blonde."

She asks, "How can you tell?"

The salesman replies, "Because that's a microwave."

 

Military jokes.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower
in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft
asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........ If it is
an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force
plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the
3.If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced
colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled
alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys, "yours is."


Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious
of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman
to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this
afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for
your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the
young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to
hook up your telephone."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it
again!"
"Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet
engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting
in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their
shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife
will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it
on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered
Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be
waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the
Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At
French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer
asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France
previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for
inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to
show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on
arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I
couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

 

Good Ones!

 

A bunch of good ones but gotta love that last one.

 

A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating.

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was
fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
***** are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.