AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

 

Take 60 seconds to do this. it's too funny not to show others.
1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps," above the search bar...
3. click on "get directions"
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box) 5. type "Paris" in
the second box (the "to" box) 6. click on "get directions"
6. scroll down to step #23

 

Charlie, I gotta ask, how did you find out about this?

 

I was planning my vacation.

Not really. My nephew sent it to me....no telling where it came from.

 

It's amazing what amusing things you can find with Google searches. Saw one one time that said if you put in "French Military Victories" it would come back with "Do You Mean, French Military Defeats?"

 

That is just TOO Funny!
LMBO

 

I had to try this and found this article....apearnatly a canadian student rigged Google to dco that somehow and it was there for awhile before it was discovered and corrected!

http://www.google-watch.org/newsday.html

 

I work for a big, French owned company. There are lots of ex-pats in the office. They are definately a little "different" than us North Americans.

 

You ought to work for the Germans!

John (DH)

 

1. Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
2. why is it a pair on panties but only 1 bra?

 

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all

of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your

mother, cause I still have mine"


"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce

Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now

and then I'l! l try t o send her a few bucks myself, "




A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I


don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and

really good with the kids.


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan

Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

 

A blond heard that milk baths would make her
beautiful so she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of
milk.
When the milkman
read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.
The
blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found
your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with
milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my shoulders.
I can splash it on my eyes."

 

new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:



"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.





Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.





After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."



*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.





*******************************





FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!





1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.





SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK You
CAN
HANDLE IT!

 

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" She tasted some more and asked? "Is It Scotch?"

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!