I didn't know you where a doctor.

 

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down finally - the guy's side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty darn accurate.)
We always hear "The Rules"
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1 Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1.. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1 Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

You guys up there in Canada can pretend you're Wyoming.

HOW COLD IS IT?


60 above zero:
Arizonians turn on the heat.
People in Wyoming plant gardens.


50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Casper sunbathe.


40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Wyoming drive with the windows down.


32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Jackson Hole gets thicker.


20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Wyoming throw on a flannel shirt.


15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wyoming have the last cookout before it gets cold.


Zero:
People in Miami all die.
People in Wyoming close the windows.


10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Wyoming get out their winter coats.


25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Wyoming are selling cookies door to door.


40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Wyoming let the dogs sleep indoors.


100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wyoming drivers get upset because they can't start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Wyoming start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"


500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Wyoming public schools will open 2 hours late.

 

From: DorrieO152@aol.com
To: JIMMYO152@aol.com
Subject: State Trooper in Michigan
Date: Fri, 26 Jan 2007 17:12:54 EST



In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below.

About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call of a car off the shoulder of the road on Shattuck . He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running.

Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find
an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked.

He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"

The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Michigan who could run 50
miles per hour.

Who says Trooper's don't have a sense of humor


Must've been an aggie....

 

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

"My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

"I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

 

Nope, vodka isn't the alcohol of choice.

 

Crobtex, I love it. LMAO, I blew water out my nose on that one. I should have seen it coming. I will repeat it as often as I can.

 

Source: Trek United

When it appears you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not go search for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.

As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.

If you are searching for something which caused a loud noise and you find out it’s just the cat, leave the room immediatey if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take *anything* from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don’t fool around with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

If you’re running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, developing a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth and increasing hairiness, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas late at night, don’t go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay in the car.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any device made from deceased companions.

Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Never listen to music that contains staccato shrieking violins.

If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.

Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.

The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.

The guy with the testosterone overdose is also dead meat.

Along with the guy that is always making jokes

When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the **** lights!

Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.

If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers into the van with you. It’ll be the worst (if not the last) day of your life.

Never babysit.There are enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out there already.

If you ARE stupid enough to babysit, never try on the mom’s nightgown collection. You’ll only end up showing more skin. Remember: Skin=Death.

If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He’ll just pop through and kill you.

Same goes for leaning against the window.

If you are at your Senior prom, and the school reject has just won prom queen, slowly back away and run for the exit. All hell is about to break loose.

Always remember — SEX=DEATH!

For Other Life Saving Tips

If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable one. All the other stoners will be killed.

If the killer has stalked you over the phone lines, don’t take a job as a phone counselor.

Never let someone hypnotize you at a party.

Stay away from sewers.

If you sense something is behind you, don’t bother turning around to check. Just run.

If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.

After you manage to kill the monster/killer, never sit beside it and cry. It will suddenly pop back up to finish the job.

Never go to camp or become a counselor. You’ll be dead by the end of summer.

Never say “I’ll be right back.” You won’t be back. End of story.

Don’t ever do something just because someone dares you to.

If you ever visit some distant planet and find objects that look like eggs, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!

Then when one of your spaceship’s crew members finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of breaking the pervious rule), don’t let him back on the ship.

When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of breaking the previous two rules) NEVER wander off alone to hunt for the ship’s cat.

If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: DON’T fall asleep, DON’T go out there, DON’T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!!

A small town’s little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, “Why you’re the guest of honor! We couldn’t even have the barbecue with out you!”, run like hell.

If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.

Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.

Never go back for anything you lost.

Avoid people with pointy teeh.

Avoid people with lots of facial hair.

Avoid people with pale complexions who sway and moan,

If the barber remarks on the “666″ tattoo your kid has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.

If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT stick around to see if he’s with the Philadelphia Flyers.

Never buy your kid a toy that talks back.

Remember: Just say “NO” to human blood.

Never watch a horror movie while you’re in a horror movie.

Never, under any circumstance, plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.

Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been funny.

If the young girls of the neighborhood start singing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.

If you hit a man with a car in the middle of the night and try to roll him off of a dock, make sure that he is dead!

Never EVER play with any Ouijia board that you find in the basement of your newly bought, run-down house.

Never run into a deserted graveyard at night,

If you are running away from the killer/monster, don’t even try to start the car. It doesn’t matter if the car is brand new, it won’t start.

If running from the monster/killer, try to make the least amount of noise possible. Especially if you are female. Panting, crying and screaming is not going to help you hide any better.

For pete’s sake…NEVER stick your hand down the garbage disposal. Especially if you just heard strange noises in your house or while sinister music is playing.

Don’t marry a guy that has Satan Worshippers as friends. They will want you to birth the new Anti-Christ.

Never answer the phone when you are babysititng. Just get the hell out of there and leave the kids for dead.

If you think you see your girlfriend/boyfriend and they are wearing a mask, not talking, or conspicuously hiding their face, it’s not them.

Don’t be mean to the new kid. They will just end up killing you.

If you hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh let’s say a severed head falling to the floor, don’t go trying to find out what it is.

Never touch something that just oozed out of a comet that landed near an abandoned farm house.

When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There’s no hope for you anyway.

Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it’s loaded.

If you have to stay out in the woods or at camp you’re pretty much screwed. But at least you’ll have a fighting chance in the cabin. Never EVER take the tent.

Never try to unmask the killer.

Never hide in a closet.

If you buried your child in a strange place and he came back as a demon, DON’T bury your wife in the same place.

If you find the mangled body of a friend, camping partner, janitor, or whom ever, don’t stay and investigate. Run like hell.

Don’t spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of medivel weaponry. It will be used eventually.

Don’t make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees.

If you are going to the bathroom in a movie theatre and you think you hear a guy and a girl making out in the stall next to you, don’t put your ear closer to the wall to listen.

If you see a short guy wearing green and wearing a shamrock hat, I wouldn’t stick around to ask about his pot of gold.

Never transport the killer in an ambulance from one place to another. Even if they’ve been in a coma for 10 years, they’ll wake up.

Never listen to strange voices on the telephone.

Never say “Who’s there?”

If your hand has been possesed by the Force of Evil, do NOT chop off your hand. Doing so will merely allow the disembodied hand the freedom to wreak havoc independent of your body. And now you have to spend the rest of the film trying to track it down,

If you have a feeling you’ll end up being chased by zombies during the night, remember to wear comfortable running shoes.

After babysitting, don’t walk down any deserted streets with lots of trees and bushes, but no lights.

If you are a girl with long blonde hair, blue eyes and big *****, well, you are pretty much screwed.

Always check the backseat of your car before you get in.

When running away from the killer/monster, NEVER run upstairs.

If you see someone who is within screaming distance while running from the killer/monster, for the love of god, SCREAM!!

If a giant shark is chasing your family, don’t go swimming. Actually, stay away from the water, period.

If you are babysitting, don’t let the kids play with the Chucky doll.

If one night you see a dark haired girl carrying around dolls with the eyes scratched out, back away slowly, then run like hell.

If you go to your school library and there are a lot of books having to do with vampires and demons…move away ASAP

If you are fleeing from a killer or supernatural being and you see a cop car, run right by it. There are three possible ways that things will turn out if you try to get the cops attention and none are good:

A. The cop is already dead in some gruesome way that will cause you to scream and alert the killer/monster as to where you are.

B. The cop will probably end up dead as he tries to help you, this will only distract the killer away from you for a few seconds, but chances are you will end up getting killed anyway.

C. The supernatural being has assumed the form of a cop and just when you
think you are safe…he will kill you.

If the locals say the camp is haunted, it probably is.

If people in your neighborhood have been disapearing and there’s talk about a surge of any type of insect…move. Stuborn home owners always die.

When and if you fall while running and the killer/monster is near you, don’t just sit there screaming like someone will hear you. Get up and RUN!!

Kill the Scientist. No matter what else you do, kill him off right away. They always want to study “it,” or take “it” back to the corporate masters, or learn from “it” at the expense of comrades lives. Eggheads are always trying to understand the unknown, and get nearly everyone killed doing it. Get a clue, kill the guy with the pocket protector, he’s going to sacrifice you anyway.

If the killer if after you and you somehow manage to knock him down,
don’t get up and run for help. Believe me, he will stay down much longer
after you kick him a couple times.

If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you’re pretty much screwed.

If the killer/monster is dead, don’t dig up his grave to try to do a final resurrection. He will only come back to life.

If you disobey the previous rule, don’t try cutting off his head or anything
cheap. Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.

If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don’t just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may comes as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.

A female should never wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping the monster. It will only increase your chances of falling and causing a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.

If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large ,rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary and hangs out with teenage girls with telekenetic powers….you’re pretty much screwed.

If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it’s in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ***, no explanation needed.

 

Southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,

- a silver dollar,

- a bottle of whiskey and

- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he
comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing
that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman,
and that would be okay , too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to
be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up
the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Massachusetts Senator!"

 

To whom it may concern:

Just keeping you posted so you will not embarrass yourself.

Due to the climate of political correctness now "pervading".
America, those of us in Northern Alabama, North Georgia,
Tennessee, North Carolina, Western South Carolina, Virginia,
West Virginia, and Kentucky will no longer be referred to as
"HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as: "APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS".
Thank you!

Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry.

 

and what's the PC term for REDNECK?

 

You better add "parts of Texas"

 

No way. Not even an Aggie can run 50 mph.

 

Can't beat us at basketball either....21 game winning streak OVER. I love rivalries.

 

Even with the punch line spelled out, he still thinks the guy was running 50mph...