wow...shoulda kept that one to your self.

 

Found this interesting:

The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries.

In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail."

In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed.

In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year.

In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.

In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment.

In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad.

From the August Road & Track.

 

And then run the other ten?

That'll cut down on repeats.

 

Mary, the office manager, had some errands to do one day, so she asked her boss if she could borrow his car due to hers being in the shop.
He said sure, she could use his VW, he wouldn't be needing it because he was going to be in a high level meeting for most of the day, and while she was out she could stop by his house and pick up his spare glasses, as he had broken his earlier that morning.
He reminded her that she would still need to be back soon to handle some paperwork that had to be completed before the end of the day.
She took the keys, found the boss's car was an old beat-up VW Golf in the parking lot.
She was driving around performing her errands, when the car's engine conked out in the middle of the road.
She pulled out her cellphone and called the Boss's office to let him know what had happened.
A temp in the office answered the line.
She asked to speak to the boss and was told he was in a meeting and couldn't take the call, but she would pass him a message.
The temp interrupted the meeting to try to pass the boss the note.
He told her "I don't have my glasses with me, just read it".

The temp blushed and said:
Mary said to let you know she was late, and the Rabbit died".

 

Ha ha...ha...no

 

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma
from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba .....clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanting: "You wuz born a deer........ you wuz raised a deer ....... but now you is a catfish."

John (DH)

 

Here is positive proof of the effects of global warming

 

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when
I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

 

Tour the state

Celebrating our western heritage:


Cut n Shoot, Texas
Gunshot, Texas
Gun Barrel, Texas

Need to be cheered up?

Happy , Texas 79042
Smiley , Texas 78159
Paradise , Texas 76073
Rainbow , Texas 76077
Sweet Home , Texas 77987

Why travel to other states? Texas has them all!

Detroit , Texas 75436
Colorado City , Texas 79512
Denver City , Texas 79323
Nevada , Texas 75173
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami , Texas 79059
New Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861

Feel like traveling outside the country?

Don't bother buying a plane ticket!

Canadian , Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613
Egypt , Texas 77436
Turkey , Texas 79261
London , Texas 76854
New London , Texas 75682
Paris , Texas 75460


We even have a city named after our planet!

Earth , Texas 79031

And a city named after our State!

Texas City , Texas 77590


Exhausted?

Energy , Texas 76452


Need Office Supplies?

Staples , Texas 78670

Men are from Mars, woman are from


Venus , Texas 76084


You guessed it..it's on the state line..


Texline , Texas 79087


For the kids..

Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie , Texas 77665


Other funny city names in Texas :

Beeville , Texas 78102
Bigfoot , Texas 78005
Buda , Texas 78610
Cactus , Texas 79013
Mercedes , Texas 78570
Nixon , Texas 78140
Telephone , Texas 75488
Whiteface , Texas 79379
White Deer, Texas 79097
Muleshoe, Texas
Loco, Texas

Our own Satellite

Dish , Texas 76247

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City

Kilgore , Texas 75662

 

Hope this one's not already on here--I didn't read all 100 and some pages:

A businessman goes into a bar after a hard day at the office. It's midafternoon and he's the only one in the place. He orders a beer and is sitting there drinking his beer and eating some peanuts, and he hears a little voice say, "Nice tie, dude." He looks around, doesn't see anybody, shrugs and drinks some more of his beer. Then he hears another little voice say, "Man, that is one nice suit." He gets a little shook up, looks around, doesn't see a soul--the bartender's at the other end of the bar, washing glasses. He thinks, I haven't even had a whole beer yet, I shouldn't be hearing little voices, so he goes back to drinking his beer and eating some more peanuts. Then he hears another little voice say, "I really like your haircut." He freaks out, calls the bartender down, says, "I'm hearing little voices, saying they like my suit, they like my haircut--there's not a soul in here. What's going on?"
The bartender replies nonchalantly, "Oh, that's the bowl of complimentary peanuts."

I won a radio contest once with this joke and got free tickets and backstage passes to see Bill Engvall.

 

Out of those cities, these are the ones I support with my job. I'm not kidding.

Muleshoe, Memphis, Denver City, and I live about 50 miles from Happy, Texas. Ran out of gas there once...not a very "happy" experience

I love me, I'm so funny

 

A Woman's Guide to Her Terminology


1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument
when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Fi ve Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means
a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if
you have just been given five more minutes to watch
the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This
means something, and you should be on your toes.
arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do
It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a
nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud
sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why
she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning
of nothing.)

6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
means she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question,
or faint. Just say, "you're welcome."

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying UP yours.

9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another
dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a
woman has told a man to do several times, but is now
doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer
to # 3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about
arguments they can avoid if they remember the
terminology.

Send this to all the women you know to give them a
good laugh - they know its true!!

 

Redleg, good one, are you going to put it to music? A new song.

 

Nothing can also be interperated as "You should've listened to me the first time" after us saying "What?". Example:her "bla bla bla girly stuff" me "What?" her "nothing." Me "why don't you just tell me what you said" her "fine".

I need to listen.

 

Listening can turn out bad also, one Sunday morning I'm reading the paper and she starts talking to me , what she didn't know becuase I had my nose buried in the paper and she couldn't see my face was that I was listening to every word she said! When she is through talking I was thinking about what she said and didn't answer right away since I was trying to come up with
a good response. All she sees is me silent and buried in the paper. She
starts in on the "You never listen!" rant and I calmly
recite back to her every word she said and what my answer was.
She pauses then says "okay", (see number 6 on the above list!)
So many times since then she has suspected I'm not listening( I probably wasn't) but she's scared to call me on it, doesn't want to get stung again.
Women have looong memories!!!