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More Humor (Part III)

Old 09-11-2007, 08:41 PM
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More Humor (Part III)

Time to kick off a new thread of humor.


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting
the toilet seat. just use the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules
of life really are:

In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.

Thought for the Day:

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Old 09-11-2007, 08:44 PM
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Talkative Wife (***Heavily Sanitized***)

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control
at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't
be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep
your darn mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his
wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darnit,
can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic
$75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it
on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I
could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you
didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat
belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."
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Old 09-11-2007, 08:58 PM
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Good stuff!

Brings a chuckle to my otherwise dull life!
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Old 09-12-2007, 03:02 PM
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>>>>>Europeans Heighten Threat Levels
>>>>>The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
>>>>>threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
>>>>>Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or
>>>>>even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
>>>>>blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists
>>>>>been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The
>>>>>time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
>>>>>warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
>>>>>Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
>>>>>terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels
>>>>>France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated
by a
>>>>>recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
>>>>>paralyzing the country's military capability.
>>>>>It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level
>>>>>alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
>>>>>excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
>>>>>"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
>>>>>The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
>>>>>to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two
>>>>>levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
>>>>>Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
>>>>>threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
>>>>>The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
>>>>>These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
>>>>>navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
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Old 09-12-2007, 09:16 PM
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Memories for those of us over 50

Black and White
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE ... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option . even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah ... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

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Old 09-12-2007, 09:32 PM
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I'm 27 and I remember all that stuff.
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Old 09-12-2007, 09:58 PM
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Originally Posted by t-boe View Post
I'm 27 and I remember all that stuff.
HA! I'm 24 and remember it.

Kids today are wimps. I want to have some and raise em the way I was.

How can you drive a car and still not know how to run a chainsaw or build fence

I'm ranting now...
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Old 09-12-2007, 10:16 PM
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Thanks NWDave!!!

No chuckling, all out LAUGHING!!!
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Old 09-13-2007, 06:52 AM
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What will make a relationship last

1. A woman that will be loyal to you and never even think about cheating

2. A woman that will cook for you every day

3. A woman that will clean the house

4. A woman that can make you laugh and has a sense of humor

5. (Most important) Make sure that you never ever, ever, let women # 1-4 find out about each other!!!
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Old 09-13-2007, 06:53 AM
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6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
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Old 09-13-2007, 06:54 AM
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Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined

Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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Old 09-13-2007, 07:37 AM
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Rules of the West

They are as follows!!!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a
pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like
money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65
goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000
combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we
WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to
your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi &
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10.
We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless
of age.
11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or
you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!
Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff
you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and
over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know
how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the
and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it
spooks the fish.
16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities,
Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education
plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So
don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't
music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see
your boxers! Refer back to #1!
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Old 09-13-2007, 07:40 AM
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Texas Home Security


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 Work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. ; ;

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. "PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
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Old 09-13-2007, 08:39 PM
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Texas Security 2:

Take your best two or three "one hole" targets somewhere where folks can see 'em!

Keep your 870 (or insert brand and model) loaded and handy.

Rats, this ain't even funny.
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Old 09-14-2007, 01:02 PM
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A blonde was trying to sell her old car...

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
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