More Humor (Part III)
09-18-2007, 04:12 PM
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George Carlin Humor
Subject: New Rules from George Carlin
New Rules For 2007
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
New Rules For 2007
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
09-18-2007, 07:08 PM
#18
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Definition of old . . .
First you tell your friend that you are having an affair.......
Then your friend asks you.......... "Are you having it catered?"
That, my friend, is the definition of OLD . . .
First you tell your friend that you are having an affair.......
Then your friend asks you.......... "Are you having it catered?"
That, my friend, is the definition of OLD . . .
09-19-2007, 07:44 AM
#19
Registered User
4th Wedding....
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent.... if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon, that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
'What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be.... but nothing ever happened!"
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent.... if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon, that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
'What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be.... but nothing ever happened!"
09-19-2007, 07:46 AM
#20
Registered User
The Purina Diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in
line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was
starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out
of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying
it.. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way
it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the
food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in
line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was
starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out
of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying
it.. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way
it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the
food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
09-19-2007, 07:49 AM
#21
Registered User
>
>The Canadian Mountie was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
>party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are a great Canadian
>Mountie.
>In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
>But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your
>first request?" The Canadian Mountie responds, "I'd like to speak to my
>horse.
>The Chief nods and the horse is brought before the Canadian Mountie, who
>whispers in his ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, the
>horse returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian
>Chief watches, the blonde enters the Mountie's tent and spends the
>night.
>
>The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
>very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days.
>
>What is your second request?" The Canadian Mountie again asks to speak
>to his horse.
>The horse is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
>As before, the horse takes off across the plains and disappears over the
>horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, he again returns,
>this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She
>enters the Canadian Mountie's tent and spends the night.
>
>The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
>indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is
>your last request?" The Canadian Mountie responds, "I'd like to speak to
>my horse .....alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and the horse
>is brought once again to the Canadian Mountie's tent.
>
>Once they're alone, the Canadian Mountie grabs his horse by both ears,
>looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb
>*** horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSE!!!!"
>
>
>The Canadian Mountie was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
>party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are a great Canadian
>Mountie.
>In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
>But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your
>first request?" The Canadian Mountie responds, "I'd like to speak to my
>horse.
>The Chief nods and the horse is brought before the Canadian Mountie, who
>whispers in his ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, the
>horse returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian
>Chief watches, the blonde enters the Mountie's tent and spends the
>night.
>
>The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
>very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days.
>
>What is your second request?" The Canadian Mountie again asks to speak
>to his horse.
>The horse is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
>As before, the horse takes off across the plains and disappears over the
>horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, he again returns,
>this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She
>enters the Canadian Mountie's tent and spends the night.
>
>The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
>indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is
>your last request?" The Canadian Mountie responds, "I'd like to speak to
>my horse .....alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and the horse
>is brought once again to the Canadian Mountie's tent.
>
>Once they're alone, the Canadian Mountie grabs his horse by both ears,
>looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb
>*** horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSE!!!!"
>
>
09-19-2007, 02:00 PM
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____Four Worms and a lesson____
Fw 4 WORMS AND A LESSON.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following resul ts:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --
Fw 4 WORMS AND A LESSON.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following resul ts:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --
09-19-2007, 02:47 PM
#23
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Where's Rick?
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told
him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6
seconds and it better be there ... !"
The next morning Rick got up early and left
for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the
window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and
brought the box back in the house. She opened it
and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Wednesday. Please
pray for him.
anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told
him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6
seconds and it better be there ... !"
The next morning Rick got up early and left
for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the
window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped
in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife
put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and
brought the box back in the house. She opened it
and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Wednesday. Please
pray for him.
09-20-2007, 01:27 PM
#25
Registered User
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the
cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but
I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun
as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's
nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do
about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes,
I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush. But when they
get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you
crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin
and I'm going to a Halloween party."
cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but
I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun
as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's
nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do
about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes,
I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush. But when they
get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you
crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin
and I'm going to a Halloween party."
09-20-2007, 03:40 PM
#26
Registered User
09-20-2007, 06:51 PM
#27
Registered User
I rear ended a car this morning....
.....which meant it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT happy'.
I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's when the fight started!!!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, 'I am NOT happy'.
I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's when the fight started!!!
09-20-2007, 06:55 PM
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09-22-2007, 04:02 PM
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09-23-2007, 08:04 PM
#30
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
Talking Dog for Sale
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into one of the toughest branches of the armed services ... The United States Marine Corps... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.
So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!"
Talking Dog for Sale
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into one of the toughest branches of the armed services ... The United States Marine Corps... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.
So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!"