tbarbee1

It wasnt me Dave we roped a coyote once also a bad idea. Heres one we who have daughters can really appreciate.






APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER > > NOTE: This
application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a
complete financial statement, > job history, lineage, and current
medical report from your doctor. > >
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________>
> HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ >
> SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVER S LICENSE
#________________ > > BOY SCOUT RANK AND
BADGES__________________________________________> > HOME
ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ > Do
you have parents? ___Yes ___No> Is one male and the other female?
___Yes ___No > If No, explain:
__________________________________________________ ___________>
__________________________________________________ ___________________
> > Number of years they have been married
______________________________ > > If less than your age, explain>
__________________________________________________ __________________>
> __________________________________________________ __________________
> > > ACCESSORIES SECTION: > > A. Do you own or have access to a van?
__Yes __No> > B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No> > C. A
waterbed? __Yes __No > > D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?
__Yes __No> > E. A tattoo? __Yes __No> > F. Do you have an earring,
nose ring, > pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
__Yes __No > > (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE
APPLICATION> AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) > > >
ESSAY SECTION : > > In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
> > __________________________________________________ ____________> >
__________________________________________________ ____________> > In
50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?> >
__________________________________________________ ____________> >
__________________________________________________ ____________ > > In
50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?> >
__________________________________________________ _____ _______ > >
__________________________________________________ ____________> > >
REFERENCES SECTION:> > Church/Synagogue you attend
__________________________________________________ _ > > How often you
attend ________________________________________________> > When would
be the best time to interview your:> > father? _____________> >
mother? _____________> > pastor/rabbi? _____________ > > >
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: > > Answer by filling in the blank. Please
answer freely, all answers> are confidential.> > A: If I were shot,
the last place I would want shot would be: > >
__________________________________________________ ____________> > B:
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:> >
_____________________ _________________________________________ > > C:
A woman's place is in the:> >
__________________________________________________ ____________> > D :
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:> >
__________________________________________________ ____________ > > E.
What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________> >
__________________________________________________ ____________> >
__________________________________________________ ____________ > > F.
When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:> >
__________________________________________________ ____________> > F.
What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ > >
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO>
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,>
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE >
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.> > >
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)> > > >
__________________________________________________ _____________> >
Mother's Signature> > > >
__________________________________________________ > > Father's
Signature> > > >
__________________________________________________ ______________> >
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman> > > >
__________________________________________________ > > Thank you for
your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please
allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in
writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since
you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your
application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing
white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back).> > To
prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating. Daddy's
Rules for Dating, Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if
you're a guy) :> > Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk
you'd better be delivering a pizza, because you're sure not picking
anything up.> > Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below
her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's
body, I will remove them..> > Rule Three: I am aware that it is
considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so
loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so
I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact
come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take
my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to
your waist.> > Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's
world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill
you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I
will kill you.> > Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order
for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to
have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is: 'early.'> > Rule Six: I have no doubt you
are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.
This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you
make her cry, I will make you cry.> > Rule Seven: As you stand in my
front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for
the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?> > Rule Eight: The following
places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where
there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands,
or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or
anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -
zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme
are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks' homes are better.> > Rule Nine: Do not lie
to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.> > Rule Ten: Be
afraid. Be very afraid . It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to
bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you
should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no
need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is
mine.> > >

BBWD

Dear Abby:

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating
on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller
hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot
recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some
friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I
usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject
with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the
truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.

Finally, aound midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my
truck so I could get a good view of the whole street when she
arrived home from a night out with "the girls."

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which
was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped
them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my truck that I noticed
a small puddle of diesel by one of the fuel lines.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer where I bought it?

Signed,
Perplexed

tbarbee1

You Gotta Love the Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."







Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. ; ; I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."







Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"







Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"







An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"







Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."







Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as be st he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

DADDY'S DIESEL

This is a old one but I got it in a e-mail today So I thought I would post it for those who have not seen it.

You got to love this guy...
This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University .
It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage
with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them
at their wedding.

He especiall wanted to thank the bride and her family
and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation
he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.


Inside each envelope was an 8x10 glossy
of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious
of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail
them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man
and the bride and said, 'Something bad'

Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled
first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out
about the affair, this
guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations
in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has 'lots of guts'.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride getting it by best man: Priceless!!!!!.

There are some things money
can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD


A Mastercard Wedding

'Life is like a jar of Jalapenos--
what you do today,
might burn your butt tomorrow......'

I hope I edit all bad stuff out.

Tmc243

WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND?

This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you

RickG

Yup , it's old

Link removed due to profanity I took out a few more things... gotta keep the DTR a good G rating! -mad

12valve@heart

Better pull that link. Snopes didn't clean up the original language to meet DTR standards.

madhat

Hey, Jay, thanks for posting the link again... double work for me!
No worries...

Folks, please check the links for profanity before posting them.

Thanks!

madhat

RickG

Thanks for the warning but I got it too late . My apologies . I'll be more careful in the future .

madhat

Nothing that bad. I'm sure that it was not deliberate. I got you. No harm, no foul.

irocpractice

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Need95-00CTD

No one take any offense to this, its a joke.

An old Irish guy walks into a bar, walking hard with a bad hip from herding sheep all his life, sits down, and orders a Guinness, looks down tot he end of the bar, and asks the bartender, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender replies, "Yeah, he stops in here every now and then"

So the Irish guy says to the bartender, "Well give him a Guinness, on me!"

He hands Jesus the drink, and Jesus nods his head, tips the glass, and polishes it off.

Then an old Jewish tailor walks in, with a humped back, callused hands, and a slight limp. He sits down at the bar, orders a glass of wine, looks down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey is that Jesus down at the end of the bar?"

Again, the bartender says "Yeah, he comes in occasionally."

So the old Jewish man tells the bartender to give him a glass of wine on him.

Jesus takes the drink, nods to the tailor, and polishes it off.

Then a union worker comes in smiling, saying hey to everyone, happy as a bird. Sits down at the bar and orders a Boiler-maker. Looks down the bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, is that Jesus down at the end of the bar?"

The bartender says, "Yeah, thats him alright."

The union worker says, "Give him a boiler-maker, on me!"

Jesus takes the drink, nods his head, and polishes off the drink.

A few minutes later he gets up, walks over to the Irishman and says, "You were so kind to order me a drink, for your generosity, you're healed!"

The irishman gets up and dances a jig, like he did when he was 15, completely free of any pain.

Jesus walks over to the Jewish tailor and says, "And you, for your hospitality, even for not believing in my power, are healed!"

The old Jewish man stands up tall and strait, his hands are free of pain, and his back is no longer hunched over. He says to Jesus, "Thank you father, I believe!"

Jesus starts to walk over to the union worker, but before he reaches him the union worker stops him and says, "Oh no you don't, I'm out on paid comp!"

irocpractice

A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen.

She was i n a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

BBWD

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. ... .




(scroll down)













"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

John (DH)

TXlilbro

im 17 and can do all of that and more, Texas boys are raised right!!