More Humor (Part III)
09-27-2007, 04:57 PM
#32
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Even better, I'm 17 and remember it all. Thats exactly how I plan on raising my kids, with discipline
09-27-2007, 11:17 PM
#33
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09-28-2007, 12:46 PM
#34
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What do you call a guy standing next to three musicians?
A drummer
How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
12 - one to put in the bulb and the other 11 to say "oh, I could do that".
What do you call a Bass player with no girlfriend?
homeless
A drummer
How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
12 - one to put in the bulb and the other 11 to say "oh, I could do that".
What do you call a Bass player with no girlfriend?
homeless
09-29-2007, 01:56 AM
#35
DTR's Night Watchman & Poet Laureate
indian wireless.....
After having dug to a depth of 50 feet last year, Mexican scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago .
Not to be outdone by the Mexicans, in the weeks that followed, Texan scientists dug to a depth of 75 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the Houston newspapers read:
" Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Mexicans."
One week later, "Navajo Nation Council", in its Window Rock, Navajo times newsletter reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 90 feet in wash beds near Kayenta, Elmer Chee, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Chee has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Natives had already gone wireless."
Not to be outdone by the Mexicans, in the weeks that followed, Texan scientists dug to a depth of 75 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the Houston newspapers read:
" Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Mexicans."
One week later, "Navajo Nation Council", in its Window Rock, Navajo times newsletter reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 90 feet in wash beds near Kayenta, Elmer Chee, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Chee has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Natives had already gone wireless."
09-29-2007, 02:02 AM
#36
DTR's Night Watchman & Poet Laureate
An indian in congress?
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then he just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for position in United States Congress: come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave the mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then he just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for position in United States Congress: come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave the mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
09-29-2007, 06:06 AM
#37
Chapter President
This is too true to be funny! 
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then he just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for position in United States Congress: come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave the mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then he just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for position in United States Congress: come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave the mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
09-29-2007, 10:37 AM
#39
Registered User
After having dug to a depth of 50 feet last year, Mexican scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago .
Not to be outdone by the Mexicans, in the weeks that followed, Texan scientists dug to a depth of 75 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the Houston newspapers read:
" Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Mexicans."
One week later, "Navajo Nation Council", in its Window Rock, Navajo times newsletter reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 90 feet in wash beds near Kayenta, Elmer Chee, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Chee has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Natives had already gone wireless."
Not to be outdone by the Mexicans, in the weeks that followed, Texan scientists dug to a depth of 75 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the Houston newspapers read:
" Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Mexicans."
One week later, "Navajo Nation Council", in its Window Rock, Navajo times newsletter reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 90 feet in wash beds near Kayenta, Elmer Chee, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Chee has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Natives had already gone wireless."
09-29-2007, 08:59 PM
#40
After having dug to a depth of 50 feet last year, Mexican scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago .
Not to be outdone by the Mexicans, in the weeks that followed, Texan scientists dug to a depth of 75 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the Houston newspapers read:
" Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Mexicans."
One week later, "Navajo Nation Council", in its Window Rock, Navajo times newsletter reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 90 feet in wash beds near Kayenta, Elmer Chee, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Chee has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Natives had already gone wireless."
Not to be outdone by the Mexicans, in the weeks that followed, Texan scientists dug to a depth of 75 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the Houston newspapers read:
" Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Mexicans."
One week later, "Navajo Nation Council", in its Window Rock, Navajo times newsletter reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 90 feet in wash beds near Kayenta, Elmer Chee, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Chee has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Natives had already gone wireless."
09-30-2007, 12:03 PM
#41
DTR's 'Go to Guy'
AnotherTalking Dog
A young farm lad from northern Alabama goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Auburn that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this--they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a GUN before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)
A young farm lad from northern Alabama goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Auburn that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this--they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a GUN before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)
10-02-2007, 02:03 AM
#44
DTR's Night Watchman & Poet Laureate
A Small White Dot
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to
present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on
walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a
small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a
period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing
one. Mommy fainted, Daddy had a heart attack and the boy next door
joined the Navy."
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to
present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on
walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a
small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a
period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing
one. Mommy fainted, Daddy had a heart attack and the boy next door
joined the Navy."
11-03-2007, 09:02 AM
#45
Registered User
Why men don't write advice columns...
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.