tbarbee1

Me too. Keep em coming. I'm at a point I cant remember what Ive posted and what I havent.

kevellis32

Well I decided to go through my family photo's to share some pictures...
Im gonna give you my wedding picture
then a picture of my cat
then an article about my wife shopping at wal-mart
and then you can see my hog.

Enjoy!

Chrisreyn

A blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" "Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped. The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while.

He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.

Then she said, "Oh, honey there's more."

"What do you mean more?", he asked.

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

"It was easy," she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive

tbarbee1

> > The Aisle Seat
> >
> >
> > Two Arabs boarded a flight. One took a window seat and the other sat
> > next to him in the middle seat...
> >
> > Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After
> > takeoff,
> > the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in
> > when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a
> > coke."
> >
> > "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it
> > for you."
> >
> > As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and
> > spat
> > in it.
> >
> > When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That
> > looks
> > good, I'd really like one,too."
> >
> > Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the
> > other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
> >
> > When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
> >
> > As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
> > an! d
> > kn ew immediately what had happened.
> >
> > "Why does it have to be this way?"he asked. "How long must this go on?
> > This
> > fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
> > spitting
> > in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
> >
> > THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN

tbarbee1

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

madhat

A 2nd grade teacher was talking science to her students one day, when she said, "Did you know that the human is the only creature that stutters?"

The majority of the class said no, gave the usual responses, when little Sally, (who's father drove a CTD, I might add,) says, "No, Ma'am. I have heard my cat stutter before!"

The teacher, with a somewhat smart attitude, says, "Well, why don't you tell the class about it?"

Little Sally says, "The other day, when I was in the back yard playing with my kitty, the rottwiler next door got a running start and jumped over the fence. My kitty started going 'Fffff Ffffff Ffffff,' and before he could say 'freakin,' the dog ate him..."

madhat

Just seen this one... Bruhahahahahahahahahahhaa

gunny

OK so it ain't really political but here it is anyway.


The healing Revival:

Bubba at the revival

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what do you want me to pray about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while. He cups his hands over Bubba's ears and sways his head back and forth. He puts one finger in Bubba's other ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays some more. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."

UK-RAM

Funny how you can change how something can be
> said and totally change the meaning
>
> Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical
> researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus
> Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana
> Territory in 1889.
>
> The only known photograph of Remus shows him
> standing on the gallows.
>
> On the back of the picture is this
> inscription:"Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial
> Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught
> by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
>
> Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments.
> Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the
following
> biographical sketch:
> ..................
> "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the
> Montana Territory His business empire grew to include acquisition of
> valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana
> railroad.
>
> Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of
> his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to
> resume his dealings with the railroad.
>
> In 1887, he was a key player in a vital
> investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In
1889,
> Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor
> when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

RickG

That's WalMart . Here's an actual listing for the WalMart in Charlotte , N.C.
http://local.yahoo.com/details?id=13242972

Chrisreyn

( sung to the tune of Elvis Presely's "In the Ghetto")

In a Yugo



As the snow flies

At a used car lot on the edge of town
A tree-hugger guy and a tree-hugger gal
Buy a Yugo

And they drive with pride

Cause if there's one thing that this world needs
It's environmental friends who'll take the lead
In a Yugo

They say, "people don't you understand
Those big trucks are ruining the land"
But they'll wish they had a full size van one day
They point fingers at you and me
They say we're too blind to see
But do we simply use our heads
And choose another way?

As those small wheels turn
Fifty miles to the gallon
And their knees on their chest
They're gonna save enough gas
For all of the rest
In a Yugo

Then one day on the interstate
They suddenly lose control
They swerve to miss a baby duck
They're squashed beneath a big Dodge truck

But they drove with pride...

And as the crowds drive past a little flat car
You know they saved a lot of gas
But they didnt get far
In a Yugo

And as they're trapped inside
At a used car lot on the other side of town
A liberal guy and a liberal gal
Buy a Yugo....

And they drive with pride...

berner

I'm going to be singing that around the campfire next year!

Chrisreyn

A number of bartenders were asked if they could predict a
person's personality based on drink they ordered. Their answers were very consistent:


Female Drinks
She orders: Beer
Meaning: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

She orders: Blender Drinks
Meaning: Whiny, annoying, high maintenance.
Approach: Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy.

She orders: Mixed Drinks
Meaning: Older, more refined, very picky; knows exactly what she wants.
Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

She orders: Wine (other than White Zinfandel)
Meaning: Conservative and classy. Sophisticated, yet giggles.
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

She orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: Easy. Thinks she is classy and sophisticated. Actually clueless.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy.

She orders: Shots
Meaning: Likes to get totally drunk... and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait.


Male Drinks
He orders: Domestic Beer
Meaning: He's poor and wants to get laid.

He orders: Imported Beer
Meaning: He likes good beer, isn't poor, and wants to get laid.

He orders: Wine
Meaning: He's hoping that drinking wine will make him look sophisticated and help him get laid.

He orders: Whiskey
Meaning: He doesn't care about anything but getting laid.

He orders: Tequila
Meaning: He's thinking the toothless waitress looks good.

He orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: He's gay.

Chrisreyn

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Francisco ("Pancho") Villa

I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast!
"Black Jack" Ketchum, notorious train robber

Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Voltaire (attributed), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan

Get these CENSORED nuns away from me.
Norman Douglas

Don't worry...it's not loaded...
Terry Kath, rock musician in the band Chicago Transit Authority as he put the gun he was cleaning to his head and pulled the trigger.

Is someone hurt?
Robert F. Kennedy, to his wife directly after he was shot and seconds before he fell into a coma.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
Groucho Marx

Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!
Karl Marx, asked by his housekeeper what his last words were

I have a terrific headache.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage

I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
Richard Feynman

Drink to me!
Pablo Picasso

I have not told half of what I saw.
Marco Polo, Venetian traveller and writer

Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking towards me, without hurrying.
Jean Cocteau

Dangit (edited for content)... Don't you dare ask God to help me.
Joan Crawford. This comment was directed towards her housekeeper who began to pray aloud.

Lord help my poor soul
Edgar Allan Poe

Thank God. I'm tired of being the funniest person in the room.
Del Close, improvisor, teacher and comedian, died 1999

I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy. Kurt Cobain.
Kurt Cobain (in his suicide note), Lead singer for American grunge band Nirvana, referencing a song by Neil Young.

In keeping with Channel 40's policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts and in living color, you are going to see another first -- attempted suicide.
30-year-old anchorwoman Christine Chubbuck, who, on July 15, 1974, during technical difficulties during a broadcast, said these words on-air before producing a revolver and shooting herself in the head. She was pronounced dead in hospital fourteen hours later.

It's very beautiful over there.
Thomas Edison

Now why did I do that?
General William Erskine, after he jumped from a window in Lisbon, Portugal in 1813.

Don't worry, relax!
Rajiv Gandhi, Indian Prime Minister, to his security staff minutes before being killed by a suicide bomber attack.

No! I didn't come here to make a speech. I came here to die.
Crawford Goldsby, aka Cherokee Bill, when asked if he had anything to say before he was hanged.

I really need a therapist'
Christopher Grace, an actor who killed himself during a matinee performance of Grease

I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man.
Che Guevara

LSD, 100 micrograms I.M.
Aldous Huxley To his wife. She obliged and he was injected twice before his death.

Let me go to the Father's house
Pope John Paul II

I know not what tomorrow will bring.
Fernando Pessoa, Portuguese poet

Jesus, I love you. Jesus, I love you.
Mother Teresa

Don't disturb my circles!
Archimedes

They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance.
General John Sedgwick, Union Commander in the U.S. Civil War, who was hit by sniper fire a few minutes after saying it

Dying is easy, comedy is hard.
George Bernard Shaw

Crito, I owe a donkey to Asclepius. Will you remember to pay the debt?
Socrates

My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.
Oscar Wilde

Chrisreyn

On the grave of Ezekiel Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102: The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread. And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake: Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803.
His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange: Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's.
He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore. Four slugs from a .44. No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any. Dig 4 feet deep, and thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont, has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low.
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away Owin' more than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine, didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood enclosed in wood, One Wood Within another.
The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania, is almost a consumer tip:

Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.
But does he make house calls?
Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas: Office upstairs