Yes, the day came, the thread got too big...

Feel Free to post jokes and humorous stories here...

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

Mike

 

It was huge!! But feel free to keep posting in this one...

 

1. John McLain
This name was the answer given when Osama Bin Laden was asked what his worst fear was. Before we had homeland security, we had John McLain. He single-handedly thwarted every terrorist attempt on US soil from the late eighties to the early nineties, half the time without even having proper footwear.

2. Mad Max
drove a Ford falcon with a roots blower through the hood, had a dingo and chained a man to a car and told him to cut his leg off or die.

3. Punisher
You killed his family, so he MADE you kill your wife, best friend, killed your sons, then he blew up your car lot in the shape of a skull with you in the middle of it.

4. Gladiator
My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. Then proceeded to kill pretty much everyone. Need we say more?

5. "Dirty" Harry Callahan
Two lines that will live in infamy. "i just dont think we can let you leave here", "what you mean we honky?", "me, mr. smith, and mr. wesson" AND "this is a 44 magnum automag, when properly used, it can remove the fingerprints".

6. Conan the Barbarian
Pushed a giant water pump for 20 years and could swing a 25 pound sword with 1 hand and slayed all the demons of the ancient world.

7. James Bond
There is only one Bond and his name is Connery. This guy could show up in your country, sleep with all your women, kill them along with all your henchmen, destroy your plans to dominate the world, blow up your hideout, and drink all your martinis before you could utter the phrase “Shaken, not stirred.”

8. Obi Wan Kenobi
He may not be the most powerful Jedi, but on any given day he can triumph in a battle. He is like the wildcard. Whether his opponent is Darth Maul, Darth Vader, or just a super crazy Jedi-killing machine, he can pull out the win. Obi is the underdog that too many villains have taken lightly and ended up either cut in half or burned beyond recognition.

9.Jules Winnfield
Samuel L. Jackson's character from pulp fiction. Not only is he a cold blooded killer, but he recites a bible verse to you before he does the deed. Bonus points awarded because his wallet has "*** ************" embroidered on it.

10. Batman
You can not defeat the bat. Not even if you have super powers and he does not. One might argue that he is nothing without his toys, but don’t let him hear you say that. He might just drop his utility belt and punch you in the face so hard your future kids will be born knocked the {expletive} out.

11. Red Foreman
“I may be the only man in this room who has actually killed a guy.” The thing about Red was that he never had to kick anyone’s ___. A look was enough to shiver the timbers of the even most seasoned pirate. A police officer ONCE pulled Red over. Red let him off with a warning.

12 .J.J. McQuade
From Lone Wolf McQuade. He had a supercharged Ramcharger that could drive itself out of a 8' deep hole while covered in dirt after he was beat half to death and still whip the crap outta David Carradine


i figured id throw mine back in here since mine was the last joke.

 

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow . The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo

"Defrost the chicken."



THIS IS TRUE!!!! a friend of mine works for G.E. at their peebles ohio test facility and it was the germans that did this after they got the idea from G.E.

 

my friend from england worked for rolls royce was involved in the frozen chicken experiment gone bad, his version was funny to hear.

 

Don't know if this is a duplicate or not, but here goes

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands, so it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly stained, heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou Finless Brown Trout...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub that you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycle s, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large, stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large, stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maxi mum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts .

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DANGIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the shop while yelling "DANGIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

Since the other thread hasnt been touched for awhile, and was getting kinda ungainly huge, lets have another one....post your favorite funnies, just keep'em clean guys!
heres one to start:

Those who grew up in small towns will laugh when they read this. Those who didn't will be in disbelief and won't understand how true it is.

1) You can name everyone you graduated with.

2) You know what 4-H means.

3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #6.)

4) You used to 'drag' Main

5) You whispered the 'F' word and your parents knew within the hour.

6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.

7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.) Besides, where would you get the money?

8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.

9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer dropped off.

10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson 's, and it's four houses left of the track field.

13) The golf course had only 9 holes.

14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

16) The town next to you was considered 'trashy' or 'snooty,' but was actually just like your town.

17) You referred to anyone with a house newer than 1955 as the 'rich' people.

18) The people in the 'big city' dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.

19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the Dairy Queen.

20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.

21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.

23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.

24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.

25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.

26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.

27) There was no McDonald's.

28) The closest mall was over an hour away.

29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

30) You've pee'd in a cornfield.

31) Most people went by a nickname.

32) You laughed your butt off reading this because you know it is true, and you forward it to everyone who may have lived in a small town. I would not have wanted to have been raised any other way!!!!

 

So Chris, you grew up in Amsterdam too?

 

word for word my home town.

 

Your hometown's name was "Hometown", PA.

steve

 

I rear-ended a car this morning...right then I knew it was going to be a really bad day! When the driver got out of his car, I realized he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

John (DH)

 

I don't care who you are, that's funny!

 

How do all ethnic jokes start?



With a look over your shoulder...

 

Now ^THAT'S ^ funny! And true!

 

So-o-o-o-o, this is where you've been hiding the humor thread...... Top had to point it out. Well, you're in for it now..... you lucky devils.

My apologies if this has been posted before:

When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted
he join the Army. At the induction physical, the Army
doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye
chart across the room. "What chart?" the young man
asked.

"The one on the wall! "The doctor said.

"What wall?"

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor
asked his beautiful nurse to walk in naked. "What do
you see now?"

"Nothing."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said,"
but your indicator is pointing toward Ft. Jackson!.
Welcome to the Army son."