Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
>mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
> "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the
>happiest day of her life."
> The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is
>the groom wearing black?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast
>as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she
>prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't
>let me be late!"
> While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and
>fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up,
>brushed herself off, and started running again! in. As she ran she once
>again began to pray, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
>don't shove me either!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
>The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
>he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
> The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few
>words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
> The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
>words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight
>people to collect all the money!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she
>requested no male pallbearers.
> In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she
>wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them
>to take me out when I'm dead.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do
>if you had to arrest your own mother?"
> He answered "Call for backup."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
>Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
> A small child replied: "They couldn't get a babysitter."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
>her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor
>thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
>teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
> Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not
>kill."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
>including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
>told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
> Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he
>were ill, and she said, Johnny, what is the matter?"
> Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm
>going to have a wife."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a
>strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think
>about all this Satan stuff?"
> The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned
>out.? It's probably just our Dad.!"

 

Each year the staff at Beloit State Wisconsin puts together a list to try to
give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:


The people who started college this fall across the nation were born in 1986.

They aretoo young to remember the space shuttle blowing up on takeoff.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel",

or "de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930’s 40's, 50's, 60's and 70’s!!


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis ***** and ate worms (only with some tomato sauce for me) and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

 

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost
went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokey Pokey' died peacefully
at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up! You know it's funny.

 

Bill & Hillary at the Ball Game



Bill and Hillary are at the New York Yankee’s season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head no.

The agent then says, Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy.

Bill hesitates.……….
but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, O-Kay!
If that is what the people want.

Come here Hilly baby.

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, & screaming, I'll kill you! You dirty Rotten edit!!!..

The crowd goes absolutely wild.

Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving.

Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what’s wrong.

The agent replies, Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first “Pitch”.

 

OMGosh!!!!!!!!! That was great!! Just don't let herb see it...

 

Geeze, even our favorite future Gunny reads this column. Will wonders never cease.... On that note:

Grocery Shopping

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it
goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the
scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying for breakfast.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &
cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

 

Try smelling the recruit head after the crucible...

 

Bill and Diane were in a terrible accident and Diane's face was severely burned.

The doctor told Bill that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So Bill offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at Diane's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day they were enjoying a quiet moment together when Diane was overcome with emotion at Bill's sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," Bill replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

Remember all in good fun

A hair lip guy goes into a furniture store to buy a couch. A sales man greets him and ask,



Salesman: How can I help you?

Hairlip: Im here to look at couches .

Salesman: Ok lets look at these, this nice model here is 4000 bucks.

Hairlip : My gosh that’s high lets see something else. So they move on to another model

Salesman : Sir this one is only 3500 dollars again the same response

Hair lip: My gosh that’s high don’t you have anything cheaper???

Salesman: Well Sir you know you get what you pay for .

Hairlip Yeah Yeah I know what else have you got?

Salesman: Well this one is only 2300 dollars.

Hairlip: Wow too rich for my blood I appreciate it but I really cant afford any of these I’m gonna go but before I do I just want to thank you for not making me feel uncomfortable I know I have a speech Impediment and I really appreciate you not making fun of me.

Salesman: No problem I was just getting ready to thank you for not making fun of me for being a hunch back.

Hairlip: HUNCHBACK!!! I thought that was your butt every thing else around here is so high..

 

> Cajun's Math Test
>
>
>
> A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
> little math test.
>
> Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
> represent the number 9."
>
>
>
> "Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw
> three trees.
>
>
>
> []
>
>
>
> "What's this?" the boss asks
>
>
> "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
>
> "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
> rules, but this time the number is 99."
>
> The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
> has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>
>
>
> []
>
>
>
> The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
> represent 99?"
>
>
>
> "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
> dirty tree. Dat is 99."
>
> The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
> Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but
> represent the number 100."
>
>
>
> The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
> and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
> hundred."
>
>
>
> []
>
> The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think
> that represents a hundred!"
>
> The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and
> says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty
> tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which
> makes one hundred."
>
>
>
> "So, when I start?"

 

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."


"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.



"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."



"Well, that's interesting . Show Me. "



So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.



"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts GOD



( I love this )



"Get your own dirt."

 

The Cowboys Document of Contrition





Whereas the average cowboy is a person of good intentions generous to a fault and kind to women, children and animals; and Whereas said cowboy is often in the right place at the wrong time and driven by an over developed sense of chivalry, bravado and/or tradition; and Whereas you may feel frequently find said cowboy entangled at the center of many a controversial, embarrassing or blatantly stupidmiscarriage of sanit; this form is offered as a document through which said cowboy acknowledges his participation in some grievous social, marital work-related, or animal-or tequila inspired misbehavior.



I freely admit that I lost control of
a) My mouth

b) My good dog

c) The balloons full of beer I was juggling.



I now realize that
a) it was not as funny as I thought

b) you didn’t have fire (flood) insurance

c) weed-eaters are not the proper tool for slicing cheesecake.



It is true that
a) I didn’t know your uncle had a pacemaker when

I handed him the Hotshot

b) you should avoid microwaving paint-gun *****

c) skeet shooting should be done out doors



I will not be surprised to know that my hosts
a) really expected more mature behavior

b) have written me out of the will

c) have filed suit to recover the cost of repairing

the bass boat I fired up in the yard and the gazebo

I wiped out with it.



What I want the ofendee(s) to know in my defense is


a) I am fully aware of the damage have done to our relationship, the landscaping and the parrot cage, and I humble apologize.

b) I am unable to remember what happened but if the DNA matches I take complete responsibility

c) I messed up. I’m sorry I did. I didn’t mean to wreck (your party, our date, your grandmother’s bowflex).

d) Sometimes I just get carried away, and if you give me one more chance I promise I’ll try to do better.









(print name here)_____________________________________________ _____

 

A LETTER FROM GRANDMA

I got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...



The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If
You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I am glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

Stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, I was just lost in thought
about the Lord, and how good He is... and I did not notice that the light
had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he had
not honked, I would never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a
funny way, with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my
teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was
probably a Hawaiian good luck sign, or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious
experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I
bet they wanted to pray, or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through
the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the
intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I
had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So, I slowed the car
down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love, Grandma

 

Part III thread has been started.

Closing this one.


phox