A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

Subject: Grandpa and sex- Oh, oh.



An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather,

who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with

the universally dreaded (by adults) question.



"What is sex...?"



He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but

thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get

a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility.



Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to

describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he

could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and

responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.



When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl

stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at

him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.



Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden

curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and

replied,



"Grandma says dinner will be ready ! in a couple of secs."

 

Fact or fiction? Shoot, I don't know, but an interesting read......

INTERESTING HUMAN BODY FACTS

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- One human hair can support 3 kg.

- Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feel long when he died.

- Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

- Women blink twice as much as men.

- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate -

they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

- It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.

- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.




Side note:

You checked out the length of your thumb,
Didn't ya???


Yes you did, you know you did....admit it!!!

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay cowboy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow s aid "You have done a really good job,and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering his room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands he did as he as was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

Now that's funny .... I don't care who you are!!!!

 

YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A REDNECK BOY SAY:


30. Oh I just couldn't; she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup; it's just not safe.

23. Pro Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a darn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak please.

13. Cappuccino Latte tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are just too big.

11. I've saved it all on the C:\drive.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate.

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND...........

1. Nope, no more for me; I'm driving!

 

Ramblings of a Retired Mind:


I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it's when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when my chest is falling into my drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

 

Idle Thoughts of a Retiree's Wandering Mind

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

*****
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

*****
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
*****
If the world were a logical place,

men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
******
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

*****
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

*****
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

*****
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

*****
One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other

people.

*****
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

*****
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

*****
How can there be self-help groups?

*****
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

*****
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off.

*****
Is it me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

 

If this is a duplicate for you, you have good
friends that send you good e-mails!

ONLY IN AMERICA:
Only in America.....do drugstores make the
sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors
open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth
thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America.....do we buy hot dogs in
packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word
'politics' to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up
ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?!

Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call
what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with
artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests
all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the
whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do
they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once,
it's your turn to spread the stupidity
and send this to someone you want to bring
a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in
other words, send it to everyone.

 

And, finally my last for this evening....Not really humor but an observation on life for some of us.......

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the
same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to
require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the
same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then
gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and
finally has his surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.

The second is a Senior Citizen.

Think I'm kidding? Just ask a senior citizen how long it takes. I didn't believe it until I became one.......

 

Wait till I show my wife this one...

A MAN ASKED AN OLD INDIAN WHAT WAS HIS WIFE'S NAME.
HE REPLIED "SHE CALLED THREE HORSE".

THE MAN SAID, "THAT'S AN UNUSUAL NAME FOR YOUR WIFE. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?"

THE OLD INDIAN ANSWERED
"IT OLD INDIAN NAME.

IT MEAN......NAG NAG NAG"!!

 

A man walks into work on Monday morning with two wonderful shiners - - both eyes really black.

His co-workers asked him where he got the black eyes. Reply - - I got them in church.

How do you get shiners in church.

Well, it happened like this. The preacher had us all stand and pray. During the prayer I looked up and there was a very, very large woman in front of me in the next pew. I noticed that her skirt was caught in her fanny crack and tucked way up. Realizing she would not want this to happen, I looked around and everyone's eyes were closed, so I reached forward and pulled the skirt out of the crack. She swung around and nailed me good in my eye.

Co-workers said - - OK OK, that explains how you got one black eye - - how about the other one?

Well, as I stood there hurting and wondering what in the world just happened, it dawned on me she must have wanted that skirt up her crack - - sooooo, I reached forward and put it back.

 

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. Sounds normal to me! This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

- The car isn't washed;
- The bills aren't paid;
- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter;
- The flowers don't have enough water;
- There is still only 1 check in my check book;
- I can't find the remote;
- I can't find my glasses; and
- And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all darn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

 

confucious says. he who falls asleep with itchy ******* wakes up with smelly finger.

 

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government
official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."


The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend
all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to
think he can improve system like that."

 

The story of "Two Elderly Friends"

Two elderly good friends who were widowers, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Larry didn't show up. Ken didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Ken really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Ken didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Ken was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"

Larry replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Ken. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Ken, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
Go figure ... the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."