Or how about??????

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."

 

What??? My turn again? Well ok, you lucky devils....

Bob and the blonde




Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money......

 

Looks like I'm up again.

> Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy
the nation I helped conceive!"
>
> Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
>
> James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is
why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
>
> Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and
snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration
of Independence."
>
> The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe
and
> 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist
Leader.
>
> As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al-Zarqawi
wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
>
> The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting
for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

 

This one came from Mickey's Funnies, a good source for clean humor.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK
Gross pay: $1,222.02
Income Tax: $244.40
Outgo Tax: $45.21
State Tax: $61.10
Interstate Tax: $5.89
County Tax: $6.11
City Tax: $12.22
Rural Tax: $4.44
Back Tax: $1.11
Front Tax: $1.16
Side Tax: $1.61
Up Tax: $2.22
Down Tax: $1.11
Tic-Tacs: $1.98
Thumbtacks: $3.93
Carpet Tacks: $.98
Stadium Tax: $.69
Flat Tax: $8.32
Surtax: $3.46
Ma’am Tax: $2.60
Parking Fee: $5.00
No Parking Fee: $10.00
F.I.C.A.: $81.88
T.G.I.F.: $9.95
Life Insurance: $5.85
Health Insurance: $16.23
Disability: $2.50
Ability: $.25
Liability: $3.41
Dental Insurance: $4.50
Mental Insurance: $4.33
Reassurance: $.11
Coffee: $6.85
Coffee Cups: $66.51
Calendar: $3.06
Floor Rental: $16.85
Chair Rental: $.32
Desk Rental: $4.32
Union Dues: $5.85
Union Don’ts: $3.77
Cash Advances: $.69
Cash Retreats: $121.35
Overtime: $1.26
Undertime: $54.83
Eastern Time: $9.00
Central Time: $8.00
Mountain Time: $7.00
Pacific Time:$6.00
GMT: $24.00
Time Out: $12.21
Oxygen: $10.02
Water: $16.54
Electricity: $38.23
Heat: $51.42
Air: $46.83
Miscellaneous: $154.54
Take Home Pay: $0000.02

(This is where the expression “my 2 cents” came from...)


Why does this look familiar?

 

Help Line:

Dear Miriam

The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching
TV as usual.

I hadn't gone a hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and
the truck juddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I found him in the bedroom. I couldn't believe my eyes! He
was parading in front of the wardrobe mirrors dressed in my underwear and
high heel shoes, and he was wearing my makeup.

I am 32 and my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I
confronted him he tried to make out that he had dressed up in my lingerie
because he couldn't find any of his own underwear. But when I asked him
about the makeup he broke down and admitted that he has been wearing my
clothes for six months.

I told him it would have to stop or I would leave him.

He was made redundant from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much but ever
since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant and I
don't feel I can get through to him any more. Please can you help?

Mrs B Essex

Miriam Replies:

"A truck stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults in the engine and or fuel system. Start by checking that there is no air leaks in the fuel line. If it is clear check the fuel filter for leaks, did you fill it with gasoline? If none of these solves the problem it could
be that the fuel lift pump is faulty and you'll need to have it towed to a shop to have it looked after.

Sincerely, Miriam.





I modified it a tad, as it was UK humor I found on another forum...I laughed and thought of DTR

 

Wedding nite...



Michael and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon they go back to
Michael's mom and dad's for their first night together.


In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast.


As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael
and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school!"

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Michael and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
school!"

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Michael and Mary up
yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I
think........I gave him my airplane glue!"

 

Guts and nuts . .Medically Speaking

Guts and nuts -The Medical Distinction

We've all heard about people having guts or nuts, but do you
Really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
Informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
Being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
ask,

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Nuts - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
Smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your
Wife on the butt and having the nuts to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both
ultimately result in death.

 

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask
you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask
me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would
you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog
would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco
would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why
did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone”

 

>>> Why women should avoid a girls' night out after they are married!
>>>
>>> The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
>>> my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the
>>> hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3am, a
>>> bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo
>>> clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my
>>> husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really
>>> proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in
>>> order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally
>>> smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT! The
>>> next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him,
>>> "Midnight." He didn't seem ****** off at all. Whew! Got away with that
>>> one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why,
>>> he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said,
>>> "Oh crap!," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another
>>> 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee
>>> table and farted."

 

That is classic laugh out loud at your office funny. Thanks Crobtex

 

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's
the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: "Fishing or sex?" and she said: "Wear sun-block."

 

hahaha, ats funny rat ther....!

Hay

 

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

 

I would surely be praising that song!!!!!