Hey, which part II is the correct one? I just posted on the other part II. Do we have a imitator or what????? How about a drag race to see which one is the REAL part II? I've got two threads to put to "use".

My apoligies if you've seen this before.

SUBJECT: OLD FARTS & TERRORISTS
I'm over 50 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down
terrorists. (You can't be older than 35 to join the military.)

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds
off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to
join a military unit until you're at least 35.

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more
than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky
soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll
complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the
remote?"

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys always get up early to pee.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we
put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real
brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed
and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns.
We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in
combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the
side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I
can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never
seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning
to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the
top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't
figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a
400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum,
and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his
head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us
on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now
is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.


Share this with your senior friends.

 

Has anyone seen Stevie Wonders Wife?


























Well nether has he.

 

not to leave any one out, here's some jokes for the blind.

 

I LIKE this thread. You guys/gals are mean......Loveit.

 

oops, my goof... didnt know someone had already started a part II.....maybe one of the kind admin types will merge them..

 

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...........but I was wrong .

 

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."

"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honour, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a tire sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just Lost it."

CASE DISMISSED

 

Subject : Getting married...

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

Merged.


phox

 

This is certainly not as funny as some of these, but I'll tell it anyway. Great thread BTW.

True story...

Circa 1974, My Dad worked at FMC corporation in Minneapolis, MN. The company did machine work for the US military as well as multiple civilian contracts. The company was world renown for being at the state of the art. One day a high ranking official at the company recieved a very small but very important package. The package originated from a Swiss counterpart to FMC. They sent a drill bit. Not just any drill bit, but a microscopic drill bit. I really wish I could remember the actual size, but needless to say it was invisible to the naked eye. Tiny would be an understatement. There were specifications included with the iddy biddy bit basically boasting that it was the smallest bit that could possibly be machined and flat out DARING the famed FMC corporation to try and match it. A few days later FMC sent a package to the Swiss company. They sent the drill bit back to them slightly "modified"....to put it another way...they sent the drill bit back to them with a HOLE DRILLED RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF IT! They never heard back from the Swiss.

There was picture taken of the new hole in the bit and was blown up into a gigantic poster and hung in the middle of the main machine floor at FMC to give the machinists a little morale booster. My dad had a smaller version of the picture that he got and I remember seeing it when I was younger.

 

Almost tempted to post this in the water cooler/coffee pot thread but decided since most of you hang out over here anyway........




Doughnuts originated in 16th-century Holland. They were
cooked in oil, and were so greasy that the Dutch called
them olykoeks, or "oily cakes."

The Pilgrims, who'd lived in Holland, bought the cakes with
them when they came to America. Their version: a round
doughy ball about the size of a nut - a doughnut.

The origin of the hole in the doughnut: Captain Hanson
Gregory, a 19th-century Maine sea captain, was eating a
doughnut while sailing through a storm. Suddenly the ship
rocked violently and threw him against the ship's wheel -
impaling his cake on one of its spokes. Seeing how well
the spoke held his cake, Gregory began ordering all of
his cakes with holes in them.

Doughnuts were popularized in the U.S. after the Salvation
Army fed doughnuts - cooked in garbage pails and served on
bayonets - to troops during World War I. Soldiers got so
hooked on them that they were called "doughboys."

The French have a doughnut they call pet de nonne, or
"Nun's Fart." According to legend, a nun living in the
abbey of Marmoutier was preparing food when she farted,
and the other nuns laughed at her. She was so embarrassed
that she dropped the spoonful of dough she was holding
into a pot of boiling water - accidentally making a
doughnut.

Doughnut-dunking was first popularized at the Roseland Ball-
room in the '20s, when actress Mae Murray slipped and
accidentally thrust a doughnut into a cup of coffee.

The glazed doughnut is almost three times as popular as
any other type of doughnut.

 

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more,
yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved,
congratulate them and put them in top management .

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

 

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help . While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?



Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950's:

1. Teaching Math In 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?



2. Teaching Math In 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?



3. Teaching Math In 1970:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?



4. Teaching Math In 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



5. Teaching Math In 1990:

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

(There are no wrong answers).



6. Teaching Math In 2007:

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

 

2 THINGS.

FIRST,

SECONDLY,

~because it is true...

 

LOL it is funny, and sadly true

On a side note, love the sig. Ledoux is the man!!