Couldn't even hope to top the previous two, so I'll post an oldie but goodie:



Getting Old
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: I
started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat
cause...kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

 

Driver's Emergency

LITTLE JOHNNY returned from his first time riding the bus from school. His mother asked him who the bus driver was, and he proudly stated that it was Elmer Gency. Knowing full well that wasn’t the bus driver’s name, she asked Johnny again.
“But, Mom, I know that’s right,” said Johnny. “It was written right on the back door of the bus: E-M-E-R-G-E-N-C-Y.”

Burning to Learn

INSIDE THE jacket of a used textbook, the previous student added his own words of advice: “In case of fire, throw in.”

Ashes to Ashes

A 6-YEAR-OLD boy asked his mother if it's true that God made man from dust.
"Yes, son, it's true that we're made from dust, and to dust we shall return," replied his mom.
"Well," said the boy, "I just looked under my bed, and there's someone either coming or going."

Reliable Source

SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER: What time of day was Adam born?
Pupil: A little before Eve.
Sunday school teacher: And why did Mary and Joseph take Jesus with them to Jerusalem?
Pupil: They couldn’t find a babysitter.
Teacher: What story in the Bible are you showing in this picture of people on an airplane?
Pupil: The flight to Egypt. See, that’s Mary, Joseph, Jesus and Pontius, the pilot.
Teacher: Who can tell me what a “mystery” is?
Pupil: A mystery is when someone colors on the table, but no one knows who did it.

Diet Tips

• IF NO ONE sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
• Foods eaten for medicinal purposes, such as chocolate for energy, have no calories.
• Cookie pieces contain no calories because the breaking process causes caloric leakage.
• If you eat standing up, the calories go to your feet and get walked off.
• “Stressed” is “desserts” spelled backward.

Get Your Money's Worth

EACH YEAR, Sam and Sarah went to the state fair, where Sam would ask Sarah to take a ride with him in an open biplane for $10. But each year, Sarah would refuse, saying, "Ten dollars is $10."
Finally, after several years of this, the pilot offered to take them for a ride for free if neither of them would say a word during the flight.
Sam and Sarah agreed, and off they flew as the pilot took them through loops, spins and dives. They never said a word.
As they landed, the pilot said over his shoulder to Sam, "I thought for sure you'd say something with all the maneuvers I did."
"I should have said something when Sarah fell out," Sam replied. "But $10 is $10."

Memory Lapse

AN ELDERLY COUPLE recently had dinner at another couple’s house. After eating, the women went into the kitchen and the men visited in the living room. One man started telling the other about a great restaurant he and his wife had just been to.
“What was the name of that restaurant?” asked Joe.
Tom thought for a while and said, “You know those flowers you give to someone you love…the one that’s red with the thorns?”
“A rose,” replied Joe.
“Yes, that’s it,” said Tom as he turned toward the kitchen. “Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to?”

No Lumps for Mom

A FRESHMAN IN high school brought home his class picture to his mom. She asked him to write something soft and mushy on the back of it.
So he wrote "Oatmeal."

Serving a Life Sentence

A MARRIED COUPLE was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, but the husband looked miserable. One of the guests finally asked him why.
The husband replied, “Her father and three big brothers came to me and told me they’d throw me in jail for 20 years if I didn’t marry her. I just can’t help thinking that if I’d chosen jail, I’d be a free man by now.”

Cured of a Bad Habit

AFTER YEARS of trying, a wife finally got her husband to stop biting his nails. When asked how she did it after so many years of trying, she said, “I hid his teeth.”

Grade School Lessons

TEACHER: Why are you late?
Pupil: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Pupil: The one that says, "School Ahead. Go Slow."
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Pupil: HIJKLMNO.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Pupil: Yesterday, you said it was H to O.
Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: George.
Teacher: Johnny, your composition "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Johnny: No, teacher. It's the same dog.

 

"Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over
50 Years To Learn" by Dave Barry

1) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2) If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5) You should not confuse your career with your life.

6) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7) Never lick a steak knife.

8 ) The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9) You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11) There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12) The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14) Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

 

> >>> A little boy got on the bus, sat next to
>
> >>> a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar
>
> >>> on backwards.
>
> >>>
>
> >>> The little boy asked why he wore his
>
> >>> collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "
>
> >>> I am a Father."
>
> >>>
>
> >>> The little boy replied, "My Daddy
>
> >>> doesn't wear his collar like that."
>
> >>>
>
> >>> The priest looked up from his book and
>
> >>> answered "I am the Father of many."
>
> >>>
>
> >>> The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4
>
> >>> girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his
>
> >>> collar that way."
>
> >>>
>
> >>> The priest, getting impatient, said, "I
>
> >>> am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading
>
> >>> his book.
>
> >>>
>
> >>> The little boy sat quietly thinking for
>
> >>> a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you
>
> >>> should wear your pants backwards instead of your
>
> >>> collar.
>

 

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay
called "pygg". When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars
became known as "pygg banks." When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches,
while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold
and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the
precious metals Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave..

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most
people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through
holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write,
documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called "passing the buck"?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to the next
player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him
a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became
customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the limelight"?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by
burning a cylinder of lime which roduced a brilliant light. In the theatre,
performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen by the audience to be the
center of attention.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday"as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning "help me" -- and is
pronounced "mayday,"

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud nine"?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with
nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that
person is floating well above worldly cares..

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called "love"?
A: In France , where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on
scoreboard looked like an egg and was called l'oeuf," which is French for "egg." When tennis was introduced in the US, >>Americans pronounced it "love."

Q: In golf, where did the term "Caddie" come from?
A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for
education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot
game "golf." So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her
enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is
pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into "caddie."

 

Noah and the Ark, Part 2

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So , forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

 

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing
with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe
approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large
piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its
face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in
wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they
decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The follow-
ing week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti
sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-
Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which
Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I think I'm gonna switch back
to paper."

 

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

 

A hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed
with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and
cutting firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door,
and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his tally-whacker
in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up hillbilly was
terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that
rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's
hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town
for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."

 

As most of you receiving this know, New Orleans residents are
challenged often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, making it quite difficult to establish ownership.

Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a
client that I thought was absolutely priceless! This is one lawyer you gotta love!...... It's too good not to share


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted, if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's
loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.
Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.
God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our **** loan?"

The loan was approved.

 

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.









The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to

30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."







That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"







No response.









So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"









Still no response.








Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"







Again he gets no response.






So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
for dinner?"






Again there is no response.







So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"






(I just love this)











" Walter, for the FIFTH Freakin' time, CHICKEN!

 

that will never sound the same after that dern gay cowboy movie:

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal
slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

 

You know you're from Oklahoma if:

1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, Chickasha, Coweta and Lookeba.

2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

3.. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4 Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. that was today!

5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals & church.

9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

10. You measure distance in minutes. ...so?

11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."

12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

13. Little smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

20. You know in which state Miam-uh is and in which state Miam-ee is.

21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Dodge Diesel 4x4 is.

24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.

25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin" to send them to your friends.

Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation:

"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

 

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

"The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,
"He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that
said, "This bull mated 120 times last year.

"The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow?"

*NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable
and he should eventually make a full recovery