Now THAT's FUNNY .... don't care who you are !!!

PISTOL

 

This Blond is driving by a classic car dealer and sees a fully restored 68 Jaguar Convertible sitting on the lot and just has to have it. She pulls into the lot and a few hours later she is cruising down the road, top down, wind blowing through her ears, just having a blast, when suddenly, the car sputters and then dies.....
She is sitting there trying to figure out her cell phone when a tow-truck pulls up. The driver asks if she needs help and she tells him what happened. He pops the hood and tinkers for a minute and says "try it now".....
She turns the key and the car fires right up.....
What is it? Whats wrong..what do I need to do? " she asks as he is reaching up to close the hood.
"Oh, its nothing " he replies as he slams the hood., " just crap in the carberator"

With a shocked look on her face, the blond stutters out....."Just How Often do I have to do THAT!!!!!"

 

what did the blonde's mother say to her on her first date?



















if you're not in bed by midnight, come home

 

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5
years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh ****!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin!"

 

next time i get pulled over, i'm gonna tell the cop to hold my beer while i find my insurance.

 

State Trooper pulls a truck over with two buddies headin' out fishin'. He walks up to the driver's window and slaps him upside the head. The fella asks him "what the heck did you do that for". The Trooper says "you should know better than to be speedin' on my highway". Trooper finshes writing the ticket and then walks around to the passenger side and slaps the passenger upside the head. The passenger asks "what'd I do" and the Trooper says "I just granted your wish" and the fella says "what wish is that?" and the Trooper says "a mile down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said", "I wish that Trooper would have tried that crap with me".

 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

 

This actually should have a thread of its own..... one of the greatest peices of Comedy ever performed.....

http://www.baseball-almanac.com/wind...s_on_first.wma

ENJOY!!!!!

 

For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home.

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken!"

John (DH)

 

A Texas Panhandle rancher and his wife were bickering while on holiday
in France. They were still hardly speaking to each other after being
seated n a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

When the waiter came to take the order, the rancher said: "I'll have a
big, thick Porterhouse steak."

The waiter replied: "Monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"

To which the rancher replied, "She'll have a salad."

John (DH)

 

My Mother-in-Law who is no longer among us gave me a plate years ago that says "I'm the Boss of This House and I Have My Wife's Permission to Say So"

 

Bet he needed that big thick Poterhouse to put on his black eye!

 

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

December 1
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

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December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

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December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

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December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

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December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

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December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The **** from Hell

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December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of
the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

 

A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.

He heard again, "Jesus is watching you." This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.

He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."

The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you? What's your name?"

"Moses."

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same people who named their Rottweiler "Jesus'"........

 

No...he just has lots of experience.