More Humor
Thread Starter
Chapter President
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 4,983
Likes: 1
From: Sedalia, Texas
PURINA DIET
I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (DUH!)
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!
I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (DUH!)
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!
Thread Starter
Chapter President
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 4,983
Likes: 1
From: Sedalia, Texas
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But, honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do,and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the able, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on,
and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head
on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool, and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer
Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . Is this 486-5731?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But, honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do,and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the able, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on,
and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head
on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool, and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer
Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . Is this 486-5731?"
Registered User
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 76
Likes: 1
From: Midwest - St Louis, MO
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she
wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk
slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No
one moves. He remov es his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps .
...He whispers . .
"Iron this. Then get me a beer."
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she
wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk
slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No
one moves. He remov es his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps .
...He whispers . .
"Iron this. Then get me a beer."
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 379
Likes: 0
From: New Braunfels, TX
WOMAN JOKES
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were female, one was a male. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the male gave a truly touching speech saying he would sacrifice himself to save the lives of the others. The females applauded.
Q. Why haven't they sent any women to the moon? A. Because it doesn't need cleaning yet. Submitted by Tom.
Two reasons why a blonde can't drive: 1. she can't reach the steering wheel from the back seat. 2. she thinks the steering wheels a clothes rack.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.
A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
Women think all beer is the same.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were female, one was a male. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the male gave a truly touching speech saying he would sacrifice himself to save the lives of the others. The females applauded.
Q. Why haven't they sent any women to the moon? A. Because it doesn't need cleaning yet. Submitted by Tom.
Two reasons why a blonde can't drive: 1. she can't reach the steering wheel from the back seat. 2. she thinks the steering wheels a clothes rack.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man can forget his past mistakes, there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.
A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
Women think all beer is the same.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 379
Likes: 0
From: New Braunfels, TX
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?' Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'
How many men does it take to open a can of pop? None. It should be open when the woman gives it to you.
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others.
A lady was lost in her car in a bad snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded, and said, "Well I'm through with the Wal- mart lot, now you can follow me over to the K-mart."
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him...Mother didn't come after all."
Josh was helping Sally clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.
Q: Why can't women drive? A: There ain't no road between the kitchen and the bedroom!
Q: Why doon't women need watches? A: Duh!! There's a clock on the stove.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: Forget that, why is she out of the kitchen?!!
Q: What does it mean when your wife serves you breakfast in bed? A: You made her chain too long!!
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb? A: None..let her cook in the dark!!
He he....
Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'
How many men does it take to open a can of pop? None. It should be open when the woman gives it to you.
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others.
A lady was lost in her car in a bad snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded, and said, "Well I'm through with the Wal- mart lot, now you can follow me over to the K-mart."
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she quickly replied. "Tell him...Mother didn't come after all."
Josh was helping Sally clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.
Q: Why can't women drive? A: There ain't no road between the kitchen and the bedroom!
Q: Why doon't women need watches? A: Duh!! There's a clock on the stove.
Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: Forget that, why is she out of the kitchen?!!
Q: What does it mean when your wife serves you breakfast in bed? A: You made her chain too long!!
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb? A: None..let her cook in the dark!!
He he....
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 379
Likes: 0
From: New Braunfels, TX
ONE LINER JOKES
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her newboyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. --Sue Murphy
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her newboyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. --Sue Murphy
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 379
Likes: 0
From: New Braunfels, TX
JOKES PICK UP LINES
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk by again?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?.
Your father must be a thief, he stole the stars and put them in your eyes
HI! Can I buy you a car?
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
Hi! Do you have a name?, or can I call you mine? -Carmie-
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk by again?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?.
Your father must be a thief, he stole the stars and put them in your eyes
HI! Can I buy you a car?
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
Hi! Do you have a name?, or can I call you mine? -Carmie-
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 379
Likes: 0
From: New Braunfels, TX
DOCTOR JOKES
A Doctor passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately, he'd been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, "I'll take door #3!" "Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSES' Hell!"
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.
A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000. The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things: 1 screw $ 1 Knowing how to put it in $4999
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
A Doctor passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately, he'd been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, "I'll take door #3!" "Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSES' Hell!"
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.
A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000. The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things: 1 screw $ 1 Knowing how to put it in $4999
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 379
Likes: 0
From: New Braunfels, TX
MARRAIGE JOKES
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In some cases, it's almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out....
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Judy, pack up your things! I just won the New York lottery!' Judy replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Mondays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in London and mine is in N.Y.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. She got a mudpack and looked great for a day. Then the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
My wife told me to be more affectionate, so I got a girlfriend.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than mine."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically>asked, "Relatives of yours?" Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it, and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving, that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week, my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to give her back."
Marriage is like a phone call in the night, First the ring, And then you wake up!
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license. The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In some cases, it's almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out....
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Judy, pack up your things! I just won the New York lottery!' Judy replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Mondays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in London and mine is in N.Y.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. She got a mudpack and looked great for a day. Then the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
My wife told me to be more affectionate, so I got a girlfriend.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than mine."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically>asked, "Relatives of yours?" Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it, and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving, that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week, my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to give her back."
Marriage is like a phone call in the night, First the ring, And then you wake up!
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license. The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
DTR's Night Watchman & Poet Laureate
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,156
Likes: 1
From: Lyndon KS
The RIGHT horse..........
The BOSS sent me this..its for those women who may wonder if owning a horse is a good way to stay in shape...
Response to Dr Phil's comment on horse ownership as exercise
At this time
of year, after the holidays, ads for
weight-loss programs saturate print media and the airwaves. Even TV talk
shows devote time to the battle of the bulge. I caught part
of a Dr. Phil episode in which the prominent self-help guru was evaluating
the situation of one overweight guest. The woman
commented that she'd like to buy a horse so she could get exercise via
riding. "That's great for the horse," responded Dr.
Phil drolly, "but what good is it for you?"
Obviously, Dr. Phil has missed out on the cardiovascular workout we woman get attempting to get into a sports bra and riding pants...
Clearly, the good doctor doesn't own a horse. At least, not the right
horse. A quiet, well-broke, agreeable mount may indeed not
offer much in the way of fitness training. But, the right horse (and most
of us have owned 1 or 2, haven't we?) will provide a
body-building, cardiovascular- enhancing workout that would make Richard
Simmons envious.
Allow me to explain... With the right horse, you begin your fitness
program by walking out to the pasture. As you stride briskly , you
carry the halter and lead rope behind you, pushed up high on your back so
the lead doesn't drag. The purpose of this is to tone your
chest and upper-arm muscles (because you're not fooling your horse- -for
he knows what you carry). As you approach to within a few feet
of him, he'll walk slowly away from you, but at a pace just so you can't
reach him, then stop. This will be repeated several times in
succession, until you're ready to jog. At that point, because you own just
the right horse, he will trot, then gallop around the
pasture.
If you're at the advanced level of fitness, you may continue chasing after
him for maximum aerobic benefits (or, just stop and
start throwing rocks at him to give your rotator cuffs a workout. Make
sure you switch throwing arms, not only is this a benefit to
you, your horse will think it hilarious). Beginners may prefer to toss the
halter and lead on the ground, bend forward from the
waist, and engage in heavy breathing and chanting (that's what we'll call
it, anyway --chanting) as the horse continues to circle the field. For
those of you that have experience with this exercise, you may choose to
throw the halter and lead, walk briskly, bend, pickup, repeat. When the
horse determines you've had enough of this warm-up session, he'll allow you
to catch him.
Now comes the total upper-body workout of grooming. The right horse, of
course, will be caked in dried mud. The cement-like
consistency of it will require work-to-exhaustion effort of your biceps
and triceps. NOTE: this exercise has added value, the dried mud will stick
to your face with perspiration, instant facial!
Next comes the bending, stretching, and toning of hoof-picking. Bend over,
pick up the horse's left front foot , then be prepared
to jump back as he stomps it back down to the ground, narrowly missing
your foot. (Keep your knees bent as you jump, to protect
your lower back.) Reach down and pick up the foot again, hopping about
with the horse to maintain your grip as you attempt to pick
what seems to be dirt mixed with Super Glue from the hoof. Eventually the
horse may stand still; you may be chanting by this
time. Repeat the entire circuit 3 more times, with the remaining feet.
Once you can stand erect again, it's time for the insect repellent
exercise. True, with this one, your horse may actually get more of
a workout than you do, but you certainly get more of the repellent.
It goes like this:
Squirt!-circle- circle. Squirt!-circle- circle.
Squirt!-circle- circle--- and so on, until you're completely misted with
repellent and chanting 'whoa you sonofa***** whoa'. To receive
maximum benefit from this exercise, make sure you are at the beginning of
a deep inhalation during the 'squirt' cycle and exhale
after the last chanting 'whoa'.
With the right horse, saddling up provides both aerobic and strength
building benefits. The trick is to keep your feet moving
as you heft the saddle blanket over and over (and over), trying to keep it
in place on a moving target. The blanket exercise warms you
up for the saddle exercise, for which the routine is the same, only the
weight is much greater -- perfect for buffing those hard-to-tone shoulder
muscles.
Now comes the mounting exercise. With the right horse, it's left leg up,
hop-hop-hop, left leg down, heavy breathing. Left leg up,
hop-hop-hop, left leg down, heavy breathing. For balance, go around to the
other side and continue the exercise (right leg up,
hop-hop-hop, heavy breathing, right leg down, heavy breathing, etc.).
When your heart rate begins to exceed your target range,
look for a bucket. Bend over, pick it up, place it upside-down next to the
horse, wait for the horse to move away, then bend over, pick
it up again, place it next to the horse, and so on.
NOTE: this is a cooling down routine not to be confused with the warm up
pasture-routine When the horse deems you've had enough of
these repetitions, he'll stand still and allow you to actually mount. At
this point, of course, you'll be too exhausted to ride
and your facial mask is dropping off in chunks. It's best not to overdo
it, so dismount, grab a glass of wine, and head in to
recover in a bubble bath.
Response to Dr Phil's comment on horse ownership as exercise
At this time
of year, after the holidays, ads for
weight-loss programs saturate print media and the airwaves. Even TV talk
shows devote time to the battle of the bulge. I caught part
of a Dr. Phil episode in which the prominent self-help guru was evaluating
the situation of one overweight guest. The woman
commented that she'd like to buy a horse so she could get exercise via
riding. "That's great for the horse," responded Dr.
Phil drolly, "but what good is it for you?"
Obviously, Dr. Phil has missed out on the cardiovascular workout we woman get attempting to get into a sports bra and riding pants...
Clearly, the good doctor doesn't own a horse. At least, not the right
horse. A quiet, well-broke, agreeable mount may indeed not
offer much in the way of fitness training. But, the right horse (and most
of us have owned 1 or 2, haven't we?) will provide a
body-building, cardiovascular- enhancing workout that would make Richard
Simmons envious.
Allow me to explain... With the right horse, you begin your fitness
program by walking out to the pasture. As you stride briskly , you
carry the halter and lead rope behind you, pushed up high on your back so
the lead doesn't drag. The purpose of this is to tone your
chest and upper-arm muscles (because you're not fooling your horse- -for
he knows what you carry). As you approach to within a few feet
of him, he'll walk slowly away from you, but at a pace just so you can't
reach him, then stop. This will be repeated several times in
succession, until you're ready to jog. At that point, because you own just
the right horse, he will trot, then gallop around the
pasture.
If you're at the advanced level of fitness, you may continue chasing after
him for maximum aerobic benefits (or, just stop and
start throwing rocks at him to give your rotator cuffs a workout. Make
sure you switch throwing arms, not only is this a benefit to
you, your horse will think it hilarious). Beginners may prefer to toss the
halter and lead on the ground, bend forward from the
waist, and engage in heavy breathing and chanting (that's what we'll call
it, anyway --chanting) as the horse continues to circle the field. For
those of you that have experience with this exercise, you may choose to
throw the halter and lead, walk briskly, bend, pickup, repeat. When the
horse determines you've had enough of this warm-up session, he'll allow you
to catch him.
Now comes the total upper-body workout of grooming. The right horse, of
course, will be caked in dried mud. The cement-like
consistency of it will require work-to-exhaustion effort of your biceps
and triceps. NOTE: this exercise has added value, the dried mud will stick
to your face with perspiration, instant facial!
Next comes the bending, stretching, and toning of hoof-picking. Bend over,
pick up the horse's left front foot , then be prepared
to jump back as he stomps it back down to the ground, narrowly missing
your foot. (Keep your knees bent as you jump, to protect
your lower back.) Reach down and pick up the foot again, hopping about
with the horse to maintain your grip as you attempt to pick
what seems to be dirt mixed with Super Glue from the hoof. Eventually the
horse may stand still; you may be chanting by this
time. Repeat the entire circuit 3 more times, with the remaining feet.
Once you can stand erect again, it's time for the insect repellent
exercise. True, with this one, your horse may actually get more of
a workout than you do, but you certainly get more of the repellent.
It goes like this:
Squirt!-circle- circle. Squirt!-circle- circle.
Squirt!-circle- circle--- and so on, until you're completely misted with
repellent and chanting 'whoa you sonofa***** whoa'. To receive
maximum benefit from this exercise, make sure you are at the beginning of
a deep inhalation during the 'squirt' cycle and exhale
after the last chanting 'whoa'.
With the right horse, saddling up provides both aerobic and strength
building benefits. The trick is to keep your feet moving
as you heft the saddle blanket over and over (and over), trying to keep it
in place on a moving target. The blanket exercise warms you
up for the saddle exercise, for which the routine is the same, only the
weight is much greater -- perfect for buffing those hard-to-tone shoulder
muscles.
Now comes the mounting exercise. With the right horse, it's left leg up,
hop-hop-hop, left leg down, heavy breathing. Left leg up,
hop-hop-hop, left leg down, heavy breathing. For balance, go around to the
other side and continue the exercise (right leg up,
hop-hop-hop, heavy breathing, right leg down, heavy breathing, etc.).
When your heart rate begins to exceed your target range,
look for a bucket. Bend over, pick it up, place it upside-down next to the
horse, wait for the horse to move away, then bend over, pick
it up again, place it next to the horse, and so on.
NOTE: this is a cooling down routine not to be confused with the warm up
pasture-routine When the horse deems you've had enough of
these repetitions, he'll stand still and allow you to actually mount. At
this point, of course, you'll be too exhausted to ride
and your facial mask is dropping off in chunks. It's best not to overdo
it, so dismount, grab a glass of wine, and head in to
recover in a bubble bath.
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 755
Likes: 0
From: St Augustine, Florida
Good Ol' Butch
John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, (hens called pullets) and eight to ten roosters, whose job was to make sure the eggs were fertile. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Registered User
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 550
Likes: 1
From: VA
The robot bar keep
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have".
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, the latest medical break-through's, etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini please".
Again it was superb. The robot again asked. "What is your IQ sir" .
Th is time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
The robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. He left, returned and took a stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ" .
This time the man drawled out, "Uh... About 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked...
A-R-E........ Y-O-U-R......... P-E-O-P-L-E..........
G-O-I-N-G.........T-O........ N-O-M-I-N-A-T-E..........
H-I-L-L-A-R-Y-?????
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, the latest medical break-through's, etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini please".
Again it was superb. The robot again asked. "What is your IQ sir" .
Th is time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
The robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. He left, returned and took a stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ" .
This time the man drawled out, "Uh... About 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked...
A-R-E........ Y-O-U-R......... P-E-O-P-L-E..........
G-O-I-N-G.........T-O........ N-O-M-I-N-A-T-E..........
H-I-L-L-A-R-Y-?????
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 826
Likes: 1
From: Saskatoon, Sk, Canada
An old prospector walked his broken-down mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young cowpoke swaggered out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The cowboy looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the cowboy and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to." A crowd had gathered by then and the cowboy said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the cowboy fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back.
Suddenly everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the cowboy slowly turned around and found himself looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the butt?" The cowboy swallowed hard and said, "No....but I've always wanted to."
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young cowpoke swaggered out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The cowboy looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the cowboy and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to." A crowd had gathered by then and the cowboy said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the cowboy fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back.
Suddenly everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the cowboy slowly turned around and found himself looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the butt?" The cowboy swallowed hard and said, "No....but I've always wanted to."
Thats MR Hoss to you buddy!
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 2,759
Likes: 3
From: Central Texas
The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.
