Especially if it could play dungeons and dragons...

 

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

 

wow.....such a loving husband

 

Dr. Phil Was Conducting A Therapy Session With Four Young Mothers
And Their Small Children. "you All Have Obsessions," He Observed.

To The First Mother, He Said, "you Are Obsessed With Eating You've
Even Named Your Daughter Candy."

He Turned To The Second Mom. "your Obsession Is With Money. Again,
It Manifests Itself In Your Child's Name, Penny."

He Turns To The Third Mom. "your Obsession Is Alcohol. This, Too,
Manifests Itself In Your Child's Name, Brandy."

At This Point, The Fourth Mother Gets Up Takes Her Little Boy By
The Hand And Whispers, "come On Dick, We're Leaving. "

 

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Central Montana
is Planning to do its own titled "Survivor - Montana Style."



The Contestants will start in Billings, travel over to Bozeman and on to Butte.

Then they will head north to Helena, Great Falls, Conrad and Shelby.

From there they will proceed east to Havre and Malta.

Then they will go south to Grass Range and Roundup and the final leg will be

back to Billings.



Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates, and a large bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay. I'm a Vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health.
Republicans suck! Hillary in 2008. Deer Hunting is murder, and I'm here to
confiscate your guns."

The first one that makes it Back to Billings alive wins.

Good luck to All contestants.

 

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger asks "Who?"

The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"

The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his darn widow..."

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

 

Dog diary vs. Cat diary

As seen in a dog's diary:
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to
taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly
on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing
that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I
get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my
attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were
walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on
their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try
to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan... There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear
the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my
confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn
what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy
to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand,
has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am
certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the
metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

 

Two rednecks walk into a bar. While having a beer, they begin to talk about their

trucks, when suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the rednecks looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" the woman shakes her
head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The redneck walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of
her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the redneck walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't
niver seen nobody do it!"

 

ya know Tyler...i heard that if you kick the crap out of a texan the only thing left is an empty pair of boots

 

That may be true, but I don't think the kicker would be too comfortable wearing those boots where they would end up.

 

now that'd be funny to see

 

Texans wear boots?

 

Yup. And we ride horses to school. Sad thing is though is that I had a yankee actually ask me that with a dead serious look on his face.

 

...and do you wear one or two six shooters when you ride?
What about the lasoo? (lariat)