The gun laws in Florida are a little strange. When you enter the state, they search your car; and if you don't have a firearm, they give you one.

I'm all for gun control. If you can't control the gun you can't hit anything.

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch ," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied," and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"

 

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

 

Elderly Couple In Heaven

They were 85 years old, and had been married for 60 years. Though
not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise. One day, their good
health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane
unfortunately crashed, sending them off to heaven.

They reached heaven, St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them
to a beautiful mansion, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall
in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when Peter said,
"Welcome to heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked
Peter how much all this was going to cost. Why, nothing," said St.
Peter. "Remember, this is your reward in heaven."

The old man looked out the window and he saw a championship golf
course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What
are the greens fees?" asked the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter
replied. "You can play for free, every day, any time of the day you
want."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,
with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to
steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages. "Don't even
ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is heaven, and it is all free
for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at
his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and
the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part,"
St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of
whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is heaven!"
The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at." "Not unless you want
to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure?" "Never
again... All you do here is enjoy yourself." The old man glared at his
wife and said,

"You and your bran muffins!

We could have been here
twenty years ago!"

"In God we trust"

 

Crossbred Dogs:

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
* Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
* Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
* Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
* Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

 

CONVERSION UNITS

1- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2- 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

3- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton

4- 1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope

5- Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle

6- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knot furlong

7- 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year

8- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

9- 1/2 large intestine = 1 semicolon

10- 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz

11- Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

12- Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

13- Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

14- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

15- 1/2 bath = 1 demijohn

16- 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

17- Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" , the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee

18- 1 Million microphones = 1 megaphone

19- 1 Million bicycles = 2 megacycles

20- 365.25 days = 1 Unicycle

21- 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

22- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

23- 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 Liter Hosen

24- 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

25- 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

26- 1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo

27- 10 rations = 1 decoration

28- 100 rations = 1 C-ration

 

The Blackfeet asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the nearest phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man replied, "its going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find
every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Blackfeet are collecting wood like crazy!"

 

Not enough zeros. 1 trillion microphones = 1 megaphone (micro to mega). Still amusing though. And sorry in advance, I'm a geek, and couldn't let it go...

 

It depends it you are using the US or British method of measuring. 10-12 or 10-18

 

I think you're both geeks

 

What if you meant a microphone you sing into!


Isn't the English language great!

 

The world's shortest fairy tale?


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"



The girl said, "NO!



And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

 

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it
to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then
proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from
reccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use
this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave
for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know,
I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.





After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".





Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"





The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.





The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.





The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"








The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."








MORAL OF THE STORY:





Women are evil.





Don't mess with them.

 

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."