More Humor (Part II)
Banned
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 184
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From: New Hampshire
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Banned
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 184
Likes: 0
From: New Hampshire
Here's another cute one - hope it's not a repeat
Ad in the Atlanta Journal
The following ad in "The Atlanta Journal" is reported to have received
numerous calls: "SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting,
camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the
right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get
home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm
yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society
about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR retriever.
Men are so easy....
The following ad in "The Atlanta Journal" is reported to have received
numerous calls: "SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting,
camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the
right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get
home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm
yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society
about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR retriever.
Men are so easy....
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,049
Likes: 2
From: Skiatook OK currently Pecos TX
Ted Nugent on Deer Hunting
Ted was being interviewed by a French journalist.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French you know."
Ted was being interviewed by a French journalist.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French you know."
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,049
Likes: 2
From: Skiatook OK currently Pecos TX
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Another two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on,
he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at The Trailer Estates Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,'" Morris replied.
To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!'"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis!"
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Another two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on,
he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes Yes, I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at The Trailer Estates Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,'" Morris replied.
To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!'"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis!"
Banned
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 184
Likes: 0
From: New Hampshire
The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 286
Likes: 0
From: Bellingham Washington
Wisdom dressed in reality
And now, after that great introduction:
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. (echo,echo,echo)
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines .
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn tomorrow !!
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. (echo,echo,echo)
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines .
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn tomorrow !!
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 286
Likes: 0
From: Bellingham Washington
The Priest and the Pilot
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that! I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Peter, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas ".
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next its the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the good father, that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?" "Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that! I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Peter, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas ".
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next its the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the good father, that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?" "Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 286
Likes: 0
From: Bellingham Washington
Probably a repeat but SWMBO says it needs constant reminding to men......Somehow, I don't get the point, course I don't golf either.....
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this,
try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne, and let me
relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to
get a fulltime job along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning
to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about
the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how
hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half
an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when
she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the
Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night
is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I
hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but
now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically
reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't
clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em
for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That
way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any
(if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of
my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half
finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair
man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of
freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is
easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get
as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more
tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Wayne
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The
police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long
50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end,
with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer
lying nearby.
His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The
all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club lengthwise.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this,
try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne, and let me
relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to
get a fulltime job along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning
to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about
the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how
hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half
an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when
she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the
Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night
is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I
hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but
now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically
reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't
clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em
for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That
way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any
(if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of
my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half
finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair
man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of
freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is
easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get
as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more
tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Wayne
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The
police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long
50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end,
with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer
lying nearby.
His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The
all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club lengthwise.
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 730
Likes: 1
From: Versailles, MO
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be darned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike..
Registered User
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 643
Likes: 0
From: Duluth, MN
A farmer, an american engineer, and osama bin ladin were walking and came upon a genie. the genie said i will grant each of you one wish, that being three wishes total. the farmer went first stating that his great-grandfather was a farmer, and his grandfather was a farmer and his father was a farmer, and he himself was a farmer and wished for all the land to bare good crops for his kids and there kids and so on and so on. the genie blinked his eyes and *poof* all the land was fertile. osama went next and asked for a wall to be built around iraq, iran, and afganistan. to keep out all the christian infidels so that he and his muslim brothers and sisters could live in peace. the genie blinked his eyes again and *poof* the wall was put around all those countries. now it was the american engineers turn..... he asked the genie to tell him about that wall. the genie replied that the wall was 5000 feet high so no one could climb over it and went 1000 feet into the ground so no one could dig under it. he also said that there are no openings on the wall...... the engineer said...... fill it with water........
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 286
Likes: 0
From: Bellingham Washington
OLD ROOSTER . . .
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud
rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old
rooster and says,
"OK old timer, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot
handle ALL of these
hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let
me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up
and I am taking over.."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I
will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive
domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a
chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the
front porch of the
farmhouse and the you ng rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and
gaining fast. The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the
front porch when
he sees the roosters go running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young
rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"****.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story?
1) You don't get old being a fool!
2) Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome
youth and arrogance!
3) Don't mess with OLD TIMERS
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud
rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old
rooster and says,
"OK old timer, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot
handle ALL of these
hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let
me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up
and I am taking over.."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I
will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive
domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a
chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the
front porch of the
farmhouse and the you ng rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and
gaining fast. The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the
front porch when
he sees the roosters go running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young
rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"****.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story?
1) You don't get old being a fool!
2) Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome
youth and arrogance!
3) Don't mess with OLD TIMERS
Banned
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 184
Likes: 0
From: New Hampshire
You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make one day!
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "What four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A Mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed and a Jackass to pay for it all."
The teacher fainted.
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "What four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A Mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed and a Jackass to pay for it all."
The teacher fainted.
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 286
Likes: 0
From: Bellingham Washington
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of
those Barbies in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95"
The amazed father asks: "You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only 19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's best Friends.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of
those Barbies in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95"
The amazed father asks: "You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only 19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's best Friends.
Administrator/Jarhead
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,999
Likes: 33
From: Jonesborough, TN
This is a long one, but I nearly cry every time I read it...
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town (or whenever they get bored at work). It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast...
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy Cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting to drunk from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. gal is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really upsets me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that crazy Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town (or whenever they get bored at work). It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast...
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy Cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting to drunk from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. gal is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really upsets me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that crazy Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.