TomW

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S.Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddie

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky" - From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of mountains, ground, buildings, sea, trees or interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there!"

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

04ctd

Real Chiefs think Ensigns should be seen and not heard and never ever be allowed to read books on leadership.

Real Chiefs don't own civilian clothes.

Real Chiefs have CPO Association Cards from their last five commands.

Real Chiefs don't remember life before they were a Chief.

Real Chiefs Wedding Proposal: "There will be a wedding at 1000 hours on 29 October, be there in whites with your gear packed because you will be a prime participant."

Real Chiefs favorite national holiday is CPO Initiation.

Real Chiefs believe that in the Navy every day is a holiday, every meal is a feast, every payday is a lottery and every muster is a family reunion.

Real Chiefs favorite breakfast is shipboard SOS.

Real Chiefs don't know how to tell civilian time.

Real Chiefs call each other "Chief."

Real Chiefs greatest fear is signing for property book items.

Real Chiefs dream in Navy Blue, White, Haze Gray and occasionally khaki.

Real Chiefs have served on ships that are now war memorials or tourist attractions.

Real Chiefs get tears in their eyes when the "Chief" dies in the movie "Operation Pacific."

Real Chiefs don't like "Certified Navy Twill" (CNT's). "Wash khaki" is the ONLY thing out of which to make a uniform.

Real Chiefs can find their way to the CPO Club while blindfolded on fifteen different Navy bases.

Real Chiefs have pictures of past ships in their wallets.

Real Chiefs only own ink pens that have "Property U.S. Government" printed on them.

Real Chiefs never volunteer to get mandatory flu shots.

Real Chiefs have a permanent curl in their forefinger.

Real Chiefs don't order supplies, they swap for them.

Real Chiefs favorite quote is from the movie Ben Hur, "We keep you alive to serve this ship."

Real Chiefs think excessive modesty is their only fault.

Real Chiefs hate to write evaluations, except for their own.

Real Chiefs turn in a four page brag sheet for their evaluation.

Real Chiefs always say their last ship was their best ship.

Real Chiefs know that the black tar in their coffee cup makes the coffee taste better.

Real Chiefs are proudest when one of their former strikers makes Chief.

Real Chiefs idea of heaven: Three good PO1's and a Division Officer who does what he is told.

Real Chiefs think John Wayne would have made a good Chief if he had not gone soft and made Marine movies.

Real Chiefs use the term "Good Training" to describe any unpleasant task. Scraping the sides of the ship is "Good Training." Having to sleep on your sea bag in the parking lot because there was no room in the barracks is "Good Training."

Real Chiefs teach their children that the highest attainment in life should be in becoming a Chief.

Real Chiefs can never fathom why a Chief would even consider accepting a commission.

Real Chiefs think "Crepes and Quiche" are a gay Hollywood couple.

Real Chiefs rather hitchhike than own an imported automobile, truck or motorcycle.

Real Chiefs keep four sets of dress khaki uniforms in the closet in hopes they will come back.

Real Chiefs love their mothers mainly because she has a son or daughter in the Navy. Real Chiefs believe that the only thing to make life more complete is if he/she had been born in a naval hospital. Real Chiefs are always right and they know it. In the impossible hypothesis that a subordinate may be right, the former still applies.

Real Chiefs do not regard an officer's rank and title as the measure of his or her competence.

Real Chiefs are the only people who can make the title "Ensign" sound like a four letter word.

Real Chiefs are always "The Chief" - even in shower shoes and a towel.

Real Chiefs will tell you that they are always a part of the answer, never the problem.

Real Chiefs will always say, "Let me do it for you, Sir," and then promptly assign someone to do it.

Real Chiefs don't sleep; they rest.

Real Chiefs are never late; they are detained elsewhere.

Real Chiefs never leave work; their presence is required elsewhere.

Real Chiefs never eat sliders at mid rats.

Real Chiefs don't eat quiche, and they can't pronounce it or spell it.

Real Chiefs never read the newspaper in the mess; they study current events.

Real Chiefs play cut-throat Hearts, not Poker; and never, ever Bridge.

Real Chiefs never play a sport where the ball doesn't come back by itself (bowling - yes, golf - no, tennis - never).

Real Chiefs call their spouses WIFELANT or WIFEPAC, or CINCHOUSE or CINCFAM.

Real Chiefs are at sea when their kids are born. ["You have to be there to lay the keel but not to launch them."] Real Chiefs always say, "Morning," never "Good morning," except when they are getting ready to get underway.

Real Chiefs never eat off of the ship. They know the best food is in the Chiefs' Mess.

Real Chiefs are hated by Supply Officers who take inventory after the Real Chief pays a social call.

Real Chiefs don't write in cursive, except for their paycheck signatures.

Real Chiefs think that the easiest day at sea is tougher than the worst day on shore duty.

Real Chiefs don't make coffee.

Real Chiefs know that you can never, ever, at any time, at any location, sea or shore, or under any circumstances, be allowed to run out of coffee.

Real Chiefs never wash out their coffee cups, rinse maybe, but never wash unless they know that it has been ****** in.

Real Chiefs have a coffee pot next to their desks with an intravenous tube running into their arms.

Real Chiefs have a Goat Locker.

Real Chiefs never vacation; every day on the ship is a vacation.

Real Chiefs think that "sensitivity" is a control **** on a radar or sonar console and that's all it is.

Real Chiefs have the heart of a little boy ... kept in a jar on the desk.

Real Chiefs' think that remote control is a PO1 on the other end of a walkie-talkie.

Real Chiefs know that you don't need a computer to sail a ship, especially when the power is out.

Real Chiefs think that a seven-course meal on liberty is a baked potato and a six-pack of beer.

Real Chiefs never go on liberty with their juniors; they conduct training sessions.

Real Chiefs never have wine on liberty; it better be brewed and it better be cold.

Real Chiefs can name at least fifteen bars in Hong Kong, but know that the best bars are across the bay in Kowloon.

Real Chiefs have tattoos; otherwise, how would they remember what a great time they had on liberty?

Real Chiefs can communicate with each other using farts.

Real Chiefs have mastered the use of the silent, but deadly, fart and they are not afraid to use it, especially around watch stations.

Real Chiefs have a "Zippo" that has been everywhere and still works.

Real Chiefs have tattoos on their forearms that would force them to keep their cuffs buttoned at a church picnic.

Real Chiefs take eighteen year-old idiots and hammer them into Sailors.

Real Chiefs know that the term "All hands" means "All hands."

Real Chiefs don't have to command respect; they get it because there is nothing else that you can give them.

Real Chiefs are expert at choosing descriptive adjectives and nouns, none of which their mothers would endorse.

Real Chiefs have rows of hard-earned, worn, and faded ribbons, but know that ribbons don't make you a Sailor.

Real Chiefs are matured like good whisky in steel hulls over many years.

Real Chiefs aren't the kind of guys you thank; monkeys in zoos don't spend a lot of time thanking the guy who makes them do tricks for peanuts.

Real Chiefs are the standard by which you measure all others.

Real Chiefs were educated at the other end of an anchor chain from Copenhagen to Singapore.

Real Chiefs never excuse being late, not helping a shipmate, or running out of coffee.

Real Chiefs never spill a drink.

Real Chiefs never drink and drive because you might hit a bump and spill a drink.

Real Chiefs never go to sick call.

Real Chiefs have to go out and bring everyone back.

Real Chiefs know that you never wrestle with a pig because you both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

Real Chiefs never argue with an idiot because people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Real Chiefs observe everything, but admire nothing.

Real Chiefs know that they will always get what they in-spect, not what they ex-pect.

Real Chiefs agreed with John Wayne when he said, "Life is tough! But it's tougher when you're stupid!"

Real Chiefs know that no sailor is completely worthless, because worst case, they serve as a good bad example.

Real Chiefs know that there's no help program like a self-help program.

Real Chiefs will tell you that, "If you are going to do something stupid, at least be smart about it."

Real Chiefs can write up anyone they want.

Real Chiefs are the ultimate paradox. On the one hand they don't give a crap, but on the other hand, Real Chiefs are very careful and precise.

Real Chiefs can find the best bar in any port by dead reckoning.

Real Chiefs paint their houses Navy Grey with their addresses taken from their favorite hull number.

Real Chiefs have a red and green buoy at the end of their driveways.

Real Chiefs eat lightning and crap thunder.

Real Chiefs consider a hurricane to be good sea trials.

Real Chiefs are the Navy.

Real Chiefs think that Ensigns, like diapers, should be changed often and for the same reason.

Real Chiefs know that once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Real Chiefs assume nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood and they act accordingly.

Real Chiefs view land as a mere hazard to navigation.

Real Chiefs never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Real Chiefs never take the advice of someone who has not had their kind of trouble.

04ctd

Character limit is 10k - split it.

here is my FAVORITE:


Real Chiefs refer to their wives as ComNavSoapSuds.

Real Chiefs know that if it is stupid but works, it is not stupid.

Real chiefs will tell you that you can survive on charm for about 5 minutes, after that, you'd better know something.

Real Chiefs know that assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

Real Chiefs never assume, they get the facts.

Real Chiefs do not confuse efforts with results.

Real Chiefs will give you three choices in any situation; change, accept, or leave the Navy.

Real Chiefs think multi-tasking is done in the shipyard head reading a newspaper.

Real Chiefs know that prior proper planning prevents **** poor performance.

Real Chiefs know that every part of the Chief's initiation is an important part of becoming a Chief and don't need to question it.



Real Chiefs know that a wife is not standard NAVY issue.

PistolWhipt

Music to my ears !!!

"Real Chiefs consider a hurricane to be good sea trials."
Now THAT is funny !!

PISTOL

CJ7OX

The most dangerous thing in the Army: A 2LT with a map and compass.

Most feared sentence in the Army: Any sentence by a 2LT beginning with, "In my vast military experience..."

If you have plenty of food, but are low on ammo, the enemy will be attacking shortly. If you have plenty of ammo, but are low on food, you're in for a long wait.

If you can see the enemy, the enemy can see you.

No plan survives contact with the enemy.

You weapon will function flawlessly...until you get in a firefight.

If you aint cheatin', you aint trying. If you get caught, you weren't trying hard enough.

It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Murphy is always present for duty.

usmc2311

Three scariest things in the Marine Corps:

A 2nd Lt with a map

A private saying 'In my experience'

And a Gunny chuckling and saying 'Watch this'

hotdram

The thing left off the chief's list:

"Chiefs aren't issued a Mae West because they can walk on water"

~Rob

Shovelhead

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to worry about.

A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. (or "on order")

If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.

TomW

GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God.

COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

LT COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved.

MAJOR:
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.

CAPTAIN:
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.

FIRST LIEUTENANT:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to walls.

SECOND LIEUTENANT:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

SERGEANT:
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it, HE IS GOD.

Shovelhead

True, very true.

BigBlue

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Those were great.

dslchk_cowgirl

After being married to the military for almost a year that is the best explanation I've ever gotten.

HOHN

These are great truisms.

None of my truisms are witty, just-- well-- TRUE.

I've learned enough to be amazed by the fact that our DOD can accomplish anything at all, no matter how simple. The basic structure is so disorganized and bureaucratic that it boggles the mind.

Just think, the DOD is terrible, and it's STILL the best division of government!

jh

marine4life

1. Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.
2. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
3.When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
4.The problem with taking the easy way out, is that the enemy has already mined it.
5.Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
6.The buddy system is essential to your survival. It gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
7.Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
8.No combat ready unit ever passed an inspection.
9.No inspection ready unit ever passed combat.
10.Fortify your front and you'll get your rear shot up.
11.If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.
12.All five second grenade fuses are three seconds and all five second fuses will burn out in three.
13.If it flies, it dies.
14.Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
15.If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
16.Peace is our profession, mass murder's just a hobby.
17.Killing for peace is like whoring for virginity.
18.There's always a way.
19It's not the one with your name on it, it's the round addressed "to whom it may concern" you have think about.
20.If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
21.If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
22.Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
23.Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
24.If it can be put on backwards, someone will do it.
25.The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
26.The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
27.If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
28.There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
29.You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them


Semper Fi Marines!!! and for the other services, come on, don't be jealous, not everyone can be a marine.

robert chilton

Hohn, I have had the same thoughts. Then it comes to mind that we are this messed up and still whip their butt. How bad have they got it