A man gets home, screeches his car into the
driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and
shouts at the top of his lungs...... "Honey, pack your
bags. I won the lottery!"


The Wife says, 'Oh my Goodness! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?"


"Doesn't matter," he says. "Just get the heck
out."

 

My wife didn't find this nearly as amusing as I did...

 

 

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
>
> He watched as His father moved from horse to horse, running
> his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After
> a few minutes, Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?"
>
> His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to
> make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
>
> Johnny, looking worried said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants
> to buy Mom."

 

...ouch...
'what can brown do for you?' a whole new meaning!

 

 

Three men, one German, one Japanese, and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. " That was my pager," he said. "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand." The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said........

"Well, will ya look at that, I'm getting a fax."

 

 

 

A man was walking down the street and sees Superman standing on the street corner with rips and tears in his Superman suit . He walks up to Superman and asks , '' Superman , what happened to you ? " He replied , " Yesterday I was flying over town and saw Wonderwoman lying naked on top of a building . I could not resist , I just swooped down right on top of her ". The man said , " Wow , I bet she was suprised ". Superman said , " Well , not half as suprised as the Invisable Man !!!!!!! "

 

they're all good ones!!!

What do chevy motors and door-to-door salesmen have in common? They're always knocking.

 

And Bush said to Kerry, "why the long face?"

 

Little Johnny Jones was out playing with his neighborhood friends last week and told them all that his dad had a list of all the dads on the block and that he could easily beat them all up. Billy Smith went home crying and told his dad about the list that Mr Jones had. Mr Smith was quite upset and stormed over to Mr Jones' house. He was yelling that there was no way Mr Jones could beat him up - "in fact, why don't you step out here in the front yard RIGHT NOW and we'll get this cleared up!!!" Mr Jones looked at Mr Smith and said, "Well, if you feel that way about it, I'll just take your name off the list."

DW

 

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond
in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball
court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it
was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or
make you get out of the pond naked."

"I only came to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and inexperience

 

Ok everyone prepare yourselves for the funniest joke ever.............................................. ..............................................Ford !