Joke of the Day
Registered User
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 3,733
Likes: 264
From: Austria Europe
Kung Fu Tse
The famous Chinese philosopher Kung Fu Tse says:
A compagny is like a tree full of monkeys, all of them on different branches, on different heights.
Some climb up, some do some nonsense and some just sit around doing nothing.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the lowest branches look up and see nothing but bumholes.
AlpineRAM
A compagny is like a tree full of monkeys, all of them on different branches, on different heights.
Some climb up, some do some nonsense and some just sit around doing nothing.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the lowest branches look up and see nothing but bumholes.
AlpineRAM
Administrator / Scooter Bum
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 9,086
Likes: 49
From: Central VA
Sent to me today by one of my buddys:
Now that Charley is gone, we can breathe easier. But remember to prepare for the next one...
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days
STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3.
Drive to Ohio and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Ohio.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Ohio.
Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc..
You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
- 23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
- Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
- A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
- A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
-A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL
be irate alligators.)
- $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course, these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.
Now that Charley is gone, we can breathe easier. But remember to prepare for the next one...
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days
STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3.
Drive to Ohio and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Ohio.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Ohio.
Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc..
You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
- 23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
- Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
- A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
- A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
-A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL
be irate alligators.)
- $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course, these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how
vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,032
Likes: 1
From: Where water boils at 193.4°
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running
for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving...seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years
for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving...seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years
Registered User
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 107
Likes: 0
Originally posted by CJ
Stupid joke #4
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree..................cuz he was dead.
CJ
Stupid joke #4
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree..................cuz he was dead.
CJ
or... he smelled his finger.....Monkey falling out of tree video
cul
Banned
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 356
Likes: 0
From: The Garden State
It is the year 2004 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has".
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has".
Banned
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 356
Likes: 0
From: The Garden State
The latest polls:
40% of parents who dislike 30% of their children prefer George W Bush
60% of households that fly flags think America con do no wrong 26% of the time.
70% of women who think Mr.Bush is more likeable than their husbands prefer John Kerry.
52% of people with wall-to-wall carpeting dislike Mr.Bush's plan for redecorating Iraq.
98% of people who are hearing-impaired like 50% of what they hear from Mr. Bush.
100% of Spanish-American War veterans are dead.
98% of WW1 veterans can't remember the name of either candidate. Both prefer Coolidge.
43% of women think Mr. Bush has more presidential hair. 26% think John Edwards has more vice presidential hair. 47% think Mr. Edwards has more presidential hair and 26% think Mr. Kerry has more vice presidential hair. 92% think Dick Cheney has no hair. 73% think Mr. Bush's hair is irrelevant. 54% think Mr. Bush is irrelevant.
76% of women think Teresa Hainz KIerry colors her hair. 53% of those women would prefer a different color. 42% would prefer a different first lady.
One-half of all Jewish mothers like one-half of Mr. Kerry.
63% of single women over 50 think John Kerry is too tall for his own good. 71% of divorced women say George Bush would be an ideal ex-husband.
Before the Republican convention, 86% of the population thought Zell Miller was a professional golfer. After the convention, 92% of the population would not like to be in his foursome.
50% of the electorate think that polls are misleading, inaccurate and inconclusive. The other 50% agree 30% of the time with 40% of the results.........
40% of parents who dislike 30% of their children prefer George W Bush
60% of households that fly flags think America con do no wrong 26% of the time.
70% of women who think Mr.Bush is more likeable than their husbands prefer John Kerry.
52% of people with wall-to-wall carpeting dislike Mr.Bush's plan for redecorating Iraq.
98% of people who are hearing-impaired like 50% of what they hear from Mr. Bush.
100% of Spanish-American War veterans are dead.
98% of WW1 veterans can't remember the name of either candidate. Both prefer Coolidge.
43% of women think Mr. Bush has more presidential hair. 26% think John Edwards has more vice presidential hair. 47% think Mr. Edwards has more presidential hair and 26% think Mr. Kerry has more vice presidential hair. 92% think Dick Cheney has no hair. 73% think Mr. Bush's hair is irrelevant. 54% think Mr. Bush is irrelevant.
76% of women think Teresa Hainz KIerry colors her hair. 53% of those women would prefer a different color. 42% would prefer a different first lady.
One-half of all Jewish mothers like one-half of Mr. Kerry.
63% of single women over 50 think John Kerry is too tall for his own good. 71% of divorced women say George Bush would be an ideal ex-husband.
Before the Republican convention, 86% of the population thought Zell Miller was a professional golfer. After the convention, 92% of the population would not like to be in his foursome.
50% of the electorate think that polls are misleading, inaccurate and inconclusive. The other 50% agree 30% of the time with 40% of the results.........
Registered User
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 270
Likes: 0
From: Denver Co.
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but, it fell into a farmers field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on a tractor and asked what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I am going to get it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer responded, "I am one of the best lawyers in the country and if you don't let me get that duck, I will sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is this Texas Three Kick rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old coot. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city fellar. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot in the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off of his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of this will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old fart, now it's my turn!"
The sly old farmer smiled and said, "NAW, I GIVE UP!"
"You can have the duck."
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on a tractor and asked what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I am going to get it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer responded, "I am one of the best lawyers in the country and if you don't let me get that duck, I will sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is this Texas Three Kick rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old coot. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city fellar. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot in the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off of his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of this will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old fart, now it's my turn!"
The sly old farmer smiled and said, "NAW, I GIVE UP!"
"You can have the duck."
