Joke of the Day
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Joined: May 2004
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From: St Louis
A man and a woman were scuba diving in the ocean. A storm came up and the woman was swept away. After several days the search was called off. A week later the husband gets a knock on the door. It was the police. "Mr. Smith, we have bad news, good news, and great news." "Ok, what's the bad news?"
"We're sorry sir, we found your wife. She's dead."
"Oh, that's just horrible", the man says as he breaks down.
"What is the good news?"
"Well, when we pulled up your wife she had two 5 pound lobsters on her."
"What is the great news?"
"We're pullin' her up again tomorrow!"
"We're sorry sir, we found your wife. She's dead."
"Oh, that's just horrible", the man says as he breaks down.
"What is the good news?"
"Well, when we pulled up your wife she had two 5 pound lobsters on her."
"What is the great news?"
"We're pullin' her up again tomorrow!"
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 551
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From: Cincinnati, OH
Sorry, Mods - I figured that joke would be okay with the jokes about getting 'felt up' on the first page. How about this one instead:
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged, shaking and withered hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table. Suddenly it was smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral!"
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged, shaking and withered hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table. Suddenly it was smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral!"
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A couple wants to join a church, the preacher informs them that the only way to join the church is to abstain from sex for 30 days.
Because they really want to join, the couple agrees to give it a try.
A month later the preacher gives them a call, he asks the husband "Did you make it 30 days without sex?"
The man says "Well preacher, we made it 28 days without any problems, on day 29 my old lady dropped a can of corn, when she bent over to pick it up I looked at her, she looked at me, and we had sex right there." "Right where she dropped that can of corn."
The preacher says "Well I appreciate your honesty but you won't be allowed in the church."
The man says "That's no big deal preacher, we're not allowed in Kroger's either."
Because they really want to join, the couple agrees to give it a try.
A month later the preacher gives them a call, he asks the husband "Did you make it 30 days without sex?"
The man says "Well preacher, we made it 28 days without any problems, on day 29 my old lady dropped a can of corn, when she bent over to pick it up I looked at her, she looked at me, and we had sex right there." "Right where she dropped that can of corn."
The preacher says "Well I appreciate your honesty but you won't be allowed in the church."
The man says "That's no big deal preacher, we're not allowed in Kroger's either."
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From: The 951-Flatbill center of the universe
Originally posted by jughed440
A couple wants to join a church, the preacher informs them that the only way to join the church is to abstain from sex for 30 days.
Because they really want to join, the couple agrees to give it a try.
A month later the preacher gives them a call, he asks the husband "Did you make it 30 days without sex?"
The man says "Well preacher, we made it 28 days without any problems, on day 29 my old lady dropped a can of corn, when she bent over to pick it up I looked at her, she looked at me, and we had sex right there." "Right where she dropped that can of corn."
The preacher says "Well I appreciate your honesty but you won't be allowed in the church."
The man says "That's no big deal preacher, we're not allowed in Kroger's either."
A couple wants to join a church, the preacher informs them that the only way to join the church is to abstain from sex for 30 days.
Because they really want to join, the couple agrees to give it a try.
A month later the preacher gives them a call, he asks the husband "Did you make it 30 days without sex?"
The man says "Well preacher, we made it 28 days without any problems, on day 29 my old lady dropped a can of corn, when she bent over to pick it up I looked at her, she looked at me, and we had sex right there." "Right where she dropped that can of corn."
The preacher says "Well I appreciate your honesty but you won't be allowed in the church."
The man says "That's no big deal preacher, we're not allowed in Kroger's either."
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 551
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From: Cincinnati, OH
How was yodeling invented? Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down and the farmer went back into the house.
The farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked the farmer, "Who was that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow traveling through," answered the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn." The daughter then asked the farmer, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?" "Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.
The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.
A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked the farmer why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn.
She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked the farmer. Her father answered, "He left several hours ago." "What?" she cried. "He left without saying good bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me!" "What!?" shouted the father. "He took advantage of you?" The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth and yelled out, "I laid the old laDEE, too!"
So that is how yodeling came about.
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Hope that one's okay? My first one was deleted but the last joke above wasn't, so I'm not sure. If it's not appropriate, I apologize in advance to the mods.
Chris
The farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked the farmer, "Who was that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow traveling through," answered the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn." The daughter then asked the farmer, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?" "Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.
The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.
A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked the farmer why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn.
She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked the farmer. Her father answered, "He left several hours ago." "What?" she cried. "He left without saying good bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me!" "What!?" shouted the father. "He took advantage of you?" The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth and yelled out, "I laid the old laDEE, too!"
So that is how yodeling came about.
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Hope that one's okay? My first one was deleted but the last joke above wasn't, so I'm not sure. If it's not appropriate, I apologize in advance to the mods.
Chris
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From: Cookeville, Tn
Two middle eastern men get on the plane one in the window seat the other next to him. An American man sits in the aisle seat and pulls off his shoes an wiggles his toes getting ready for the flight. One of the mid eastern guys says excuse me I need a Coke the American says that's OK I'll get it for you. As soon as he leaves to get the drink the mid eastern picks up his shoe and spits in it. The man returns with his Coke as the other mid eastern man says he would love a Coke also. The American says he'll get it for him and leaves. The mid eastern picks up hi other shoe and spits in it. The American returns and sits own for the rest of the flight.
When they are about to land the American puts his shoes on and knows what has happened. he says "why does it have to be this way?
How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations
This hatered
This animosity
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?
When they are about to land the American puts his shoes on and knows what has happened. he says "why does it have to be this way?
How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations
This hatered
This animosity
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?
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Posts: 86
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An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for
several years. He had a large pond in the back, and some nearby apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, on the way he grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"
The old man said, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the
alligators."
several years. He had a large pond in the back, and some nearby apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, on the way he grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"
The old man said, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the
alligators."
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 136
Likes: 2
From: Nazareth, PA
BAD DAY AT WORK ?
When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days - try this:
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section
where they have thermometers.
You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-Tip".
Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit
and lie down on your bed.
Open the package containing the thermometer remove the thermometer and
carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become
chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer,
and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says:
"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times,
"I am so glad that I do not work in the Quality Control Department at the Q-Tip Company."
When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days - try this:
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section
where they have thermometers.
You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-Tip".
Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit
and lie down on your bed.
Open the package containing the thermometer remove the thermometer and
carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become
chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer,
and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says:
"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times,
"I am so glad that I do not work in the Quality Control Department at the Q-Tip Company."