Tool Definitions
09-27-2004, 11:50 AM
#1
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Tool Definitions
Originally written for the DIY motorcyclist, I'm sure we can all relate to most of these. 
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war,
the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining
rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through
the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats
and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel
Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it
also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders
just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy
into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum
you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching
for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle
to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake
setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a
motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich
tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off
your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in
bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing
the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may
have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount
prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits
aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years
ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war,
the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining
rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through
the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats
and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel
Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it
also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders
just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy
into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum
you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching
for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle
to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake
setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a
motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich
tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off
your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in
bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing
the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may
have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount
prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits
aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years
ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
09-20-2007, 01:26 PM
#3
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lol I like those.
First tool i usually grab at work when working with rusted bolts, screws, etc are my "nut buster" channel locks. They grib/cut into the bolt, nut, wherever and won't slip. Put a bolt in the vice, clamp it down, then try to turn the head of the bolt with these, and the bolt will break (i should test out the largest bolt size i can break)
First tool i usually grab at work when working with rusted bolts, screws, etc are my "nut buster" channel locks. They grib/cut into the bolt, nut, wherever and won't slip. Put a bolt in the vice, clamp it down, then try to turn the head of the bolt with these, and the bolt will break (i should test out the largest bolt size i can break)
09-20-2007, 10:59 PM
#4
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For rounded bolts I can get at with my 1/2 impact I always reach for my Mac Edge impact sockets, they work great at removing rouned bolts/nuts. They also grab into the side of the bolt/nut to remove it
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